Nothing Says “True Love” Like Manipulation
Some may already know the term love bombing, while for others, it might be new. And here’s a spoiler: love bombing isn’t as romantic as it sounds. In fact, you may have experienced it in a past dating scenario—or even unknowingly love bombed someone yourself. That’s why it’s crucial to understand what love bombing is, how to recognize the behaviors associated with it, and, most importantly, how to cope if you find yourself on the receiving end.
What is Love Bombing?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, love bombing is the act of showering someone with attention and affection, often with the underlying goal of influencing or manipulating them. At the beginning of a relationship, small gestures like paying for dinner, giving flowers, or exchanging gifts are normal ways to show care. However, love bombing goes a step further, with strings attached to these gestures as a means to hold them over the person if things get challenging.
Love bombing is frequently linked to individuals with narcissistic or antisocial traits and is described by Psychology Today as a calculated tactic to gain control over a partner and increase their dependency. Though not always driven by intentional harm, it is widely recognized as a form of emotional abuse, often used to manipulate and dominate in relationships.
Examples of Love Bombing
At its core, love bombing is intense, relentless, and often leaves the recipient feeling uncomfortable, with common examples including:
- Lavish or excessive gift-giving, especially early in the relationship
- Over-the-top flattery that feels exaggerated or insincere
- Intense declarations of love or commitment, like proclaiming “I love you,” “You’re my soulmate,” or “You’re everything I’ve been looking for” very early on, sometimes even on a first date
- Constant contact or communication, such as a barrage of texts or calls, making it hard for the other person to have space
- Pushing for quick commitment, like suggesting marriage or moving in together right from the start
- Emotional neediness and reactivity, where the love bomber becomes upset if the other person has their own plans or delays in responding
- Disregarding boundaries, ignoring attempts to establish limits or pace the relationship more gradually
While someone’s attention early in dating may seem affectionate, it’s important to trust your intuition. If something feels off, take a step back and reflect since discomfort is often a sign that something may be wrong.
Phases of Narcissism and Love Bombing
Love bombing is often a tactic used within the broader cycle of narcissistic relationships, which typically includes several phases: idealization, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering. According to Psych Central, this cycle contributes to the manipulative nature of love bombing.
- Idealization: In the initial dating phase, the love bomber showers their partner with affection, gifts, and attention. This phase feels blissful, with the partner often believing they've found a true soulmate. However, this "idealization" stage serves to create a strong emotional attachment, which the love bomber can later leverage. As the relationship progresses, they may push for quick commitments or react negatively to boundaries.
- Devaluation: Once the love bomber feels secure, their behavior often shifts toward criticism and control. Affection may be withheld as punishment, or the partner might experience emotional or verbal abuse, sometimes escalating to physical aggression. Manipulative tactics emerge, with the love bomber cycling between praise and criticism to keep the partner emotionally dependent and destabilized.
- Discarding: If the partner resists or demands boundaries, the love bomber may move on abruptly, often replacing the partner with someone new. This sudden "discarding" serves to boost the love bomber's ego by reasserting control and reinforcing the idea that their partner was "imperfect" or “not meeting their needs.”
- Hoovering: After a breakup or distancing, the love bomber may return to their discarded partner with renewed affection and promising they’ve changed in an attempt to “suck” them back into the relationship. This phase is named after the vacuum cleaner brand “Hoover” and represents another manipulation tactic to restart the cycle under the guise of “making amends.”
While each phase may feel genuine, particularly during hoovering, these stages typically serve to reinforce the narcissist’s control.
Likely Love Bombers
Interestingly, love bombing often aligns with specific personality types and gender trends. Dr. Chitra Raghavan, a psychology professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, notes that love bombing is frequently carried out by the male partner in heterosexual relationships.
Meanwhile, a 2019 Men's Health article by Zachary Zane connects love bombing with individuals exhibiting narcissistic and sociopathic traits, which make up 1% and 1-4% of the population, respectively. However, Zane points out that love bombing appears to extend beyond these personality types, as many women and gay men report experiencing it, suggesting that it may also be a learned behavior more widespread than just among narcissists or sociopaths.
Who is Most Vulnerable to Love Bombing?
Certain personality types and life experiences can make individuals more susceptible to love bombing. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, identifies several vulnerable groups: people-pleasers, individuals who grew up in narcissistic or abusive households, those who are younger or inexperienced in relationships, and empaths. Empaths, known for their deep emotional sensitivity, often absorb others’ emotions, making them more likely to be affected by manipulative behaviors.
The impact of love bombing on these individuals can be emotionally damaging, as they may feel indebted or manipulated into reciprocating at an uncomfortable level. This form of psychological manipulation can initiate a cycle of emotional abuse, where the love bomber exploits areas of insecurity for control.
Protect Yourself from Love Bombing
Protecting yourself from love bombing requires awareness and a measured approach to new relationships. Love bombing often progresses quickly, starting with intense affection only to shift abruptly to controlling or manipulative behaviors. It can feel like an ideal partner has changed overnight, leaving you unsettled and unsure.
To guard against this, remember that genuine affection builds gradually and comfortably for both partners. Although it’s natural to want a kind, attentive partner, healthy relationships grow at a steady pace. Love bombers, however, tend to push for rapid commitment and may show an intense interest in deepening the relationship before trust has had time to develop. Watch for sudden changes, where initial warmth gives way to anger or unreasonable demands if they don’t get their way.
A key strategy to protect yourself is to establish personal boundaries early on. Psychiatrist Dale Archer recommends that, in emotionally healthy relationships, boundaries are respected without question. Keep in mind that love bombing often relies on eroding boundaries over time, so remaining vigilant can help you distinguish between genuine affection and manipulative tactics.
How to Heal After Being Love Bombed
Recovering from love bombing is challenging but essential to rebuild emotional health. Experts advise taking the first step by completely cutting off contact with the love bomber. This includes blocking their number, unfollowing them on social media, and removing any avenues for them to re-enter your life. This isn’t a petty action—it’s crucial for protecting your emotional space and maintaining your boundaries.
If you’ve been isolated from friends and family, prioritize reconnecting with them. Love bombing often leaves survivors feeling disconnected from themselves, as they’ve spent so much energy conforming to the manipulator’s expectations. Re-establishing these relationships can help you regain a sense of identity and support.
Throughout the healing process, practice patience and kindness with yourself. Therapy can be instrumental, helping survivors process and reframe their experiences, according to GoodTherapy.org. Understanding the dynamics of emotional abuse can alleviate any lingering confusion or cognitive dissonance from the manipulative behavior. With self-compassion and the right support, survivors can move forward and build resilience, prepared to recognize and avoid similar patterns in the future.
Finding Clarity and Taking Action
Recognizing love bombing is about bringing clarity to complex, often confusing situations, and empowering ourselves to take action. If any part of this resonates with your experiences, it may be time to pause, reflect on your current relationship, and consider your next steps.
Gaining this clarity can involve reconnecting with supportive friends or family, speaking with a therapist, or seeking information from trusted resources. Trusting your intuition and taking steps to regain perspective are crucial to moving forward confidently, knowing you’ll be all right, no matter what.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 29. Love Bombing.
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