“Sometimes People Don't Talk About Yellow Flags”
Growing up LGBTQ+ in a heteronormative family can be a journey filled with both self-discovery and challenges. Reflecting on my own experiences, I’ve often found myself comparing my path to that of my sister, Amy. Our shared family upbringing was marked by love and support, yet our experiences with dating, relationships, and societal expectations were shaped by different realities—mine as a gay man and hers as a straight woman.
Shared Upbringing, Different Realities
Growing up in a family where our parents’ marriage was the blueprint for love and commitment, my sister Amy and I absorbed similar values in markedly different ways. Their union, begun in their early twenties—a rarity today—set an aspirational tone for love: a lifelong partnership based on mutual respect and devotion. For Amy, this mirrored the teachings of our Roman Catholic upbringing, presenting a clear and linear narrative of love: meet someone, fall in love, and stay together.
Amy’s early relationships reflected this ideal. She clung to the belief that love, once found, should endure, even through challenges. Yet, as she gained experience, her perspective evolved. Amy now recognizes the importance of balance and mutual effort, learning to identify "yellow flags" and set boundaries that honor her needs. For her, love remains a priority, but it’s no longer about perfect adherence to a predefined script—it’s about intentionality and growth.
For me, growing up gay in a predominantly heterosexual world meant navigating an entirely different reality. The examples of love surrounding me rarely reflected my experience. The Church’s teachings excluded people like me, leaving me to navigate uncharted emotional terrain without role models or clear guidance.
While Amy saw a future filled with stability and milestones like marriage as inevitable, I struggled with uncertainty. The absence of LGBTQ+ representation in both media and real life left me hesitant and doubtful. As I began dating later in life, I carried those uncertainties with me, learning through trial and error what love and partnership truly meant. Like Amy, I’ve grown to understand that commitment shouldn’t require compromising my values or happiness—it requires finding someone who aligns with both.
These contrasting experiences underscore how even shared environments can influence individuals in profoundly different ways. While Amy found reassurance in the societal examples around her, I had to carve out my own understanding of love, often without a clear path forward.
Generational Shifts in Understanding LGBTQ+ Identities
By the time Amy entered high school, the cultural landscape had begun to change. LGBTQ+ acceptance was increasing, and her experiences reflected that shift. Openly gay classmates, including a teammate, were met with support rather than ostracism. While not without challenges—derogatory comments still surfaced—the overall environment was more inclusive than what I had experienced just a few years earlier.
Now working as an athletic trainer in collegiate sports—a space historically less inclusive—Amy witnesses even greater acceptance. Compared to her younger years, where casual homophobia was commonplace, today’s athletes more openly embrace their identities. Amy actively fosters inclusivity in her clinics, addressing harmful language and creating a respectful environment.
While progress is undeniable, Amy recognizes the road ahead. Acceptance within sports, for example, still lags behind other spaces, reflecting the ongoing need for advocacy and visibility. Her experiences, however, demonstrate how cultural shifts are gradually reshaping environments, making them safer and more welcoming for LGBTQ+ individuals.
Redefining Milestones: Embracing New Timelines
Traditional milestones—marriage, children, and a settled life—often define societal expectations, but for Amy and me, those markers look different. At 27, Amy is single and focused on her career, finding fulfillment in personal growth and professional achievements. Meanwhile, at 31, I’m still exploring what love and partnership mean for me.
Amy has become less focused on the idea of bringing someone home to meet our parents and more committed to ensuring that any potential partner shares her values and is serious about building a meaningful relationship. For her, the quality and commitment of a connection now matter far more than rushing to meet traditional expectations. For me, introducing someone to my family feels deeply vulnerable, as though revealing an intimate part of myself.
This generational divide adds another layer of complexity. Our mom, married since her early twenties, struggles to relate to the nuances of modern dating. For her generation, the gap between major milestones—first love, marriage, and starting a family—was shorter and more straightforward. Today, the extended timeline between these events creates room for exploration, but also friction in understanding across generations.
Still, these differences aren’t insurmountable. Amy and I have learned to appreciate the wisdom in our parents’ perspectives, even as we adapt their advice to fit our contemporary realities.
Lessons in Patience, Progress, and Perspective
Reflecting on our journeys, one lesson stands out: fulfillment isn’t about meeting milestones on a set timeline; it’s about embracing where we are now. Both Amy and I are planners by nature, but life has taught us the value of flexibility.
Amy’s recent accomplishments, like earning her master’s degree and starting a new job, showcase how progress isn’t always about adhering to the original plan but finding fulfillment in the unexpected. Similarly, I’ve worked to strengthen other areas of my life, preparing for opportunities that align with my goals and values.
This shift in perspective helps us navigate societal expectations. Rather than viewing delays as failures, we see them as opportunities for growth and recalibration. Milestones reached later—or in unexpected ways—are no less meaningful or valuable.
Ultimately, our experiences affirm that achieving prosperity isn’t about controlling every step of the journey or racing toward an imagined finish line. It’s about trusting the process, celebrating small victories, and finding joy in the present moment. In embracing life’s unpredictability, we’re building a richer, more authentic future—on our own terms.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 40. We Are Family: Part 2 (with Amy Loveless).
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