Snapbacks, Tattoos, and Bad Attitudes Aren’t Always the Best Qualities
In today’s digital age, where dating apps often present us with a sea of shirtless torsos and minimal information, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters in finding a partner. Many times, we swipe based on superficial details, overlooking the qualities that are essential to us. However, defining and maintaining relationship standards is crucial if we are to manifest the kind of partner we deserve.
The Importance of Defining What You Want
Before diving into the dating world, whether online or in person, it’s essential to have a clear idea of the qualities you’re looking for in a partner. This isn’t just about finding someone who is physically attractive but someone who complements you on a deeper, personal level. Personal traits like kindness, ambition, emotional intelligence, or a sense of humor can be more telling of a potential partner's long-term compatibility than just their appearance.
Reflect on the past relationships you've had—think about what made them work or why they didn’t. What were the qualities of the person that you admired? Maybe the relationship didn’t last for one reason or another, but it can still serve as a benchmark for what you’re looking for going forward.
And remember, this process isn’t about longing for “the one that got away,” but rather identifying the qualities that made that relationship fulfilling. Use it as a blueprint for your future dating life. It’s about recognizing what dynamics and behaviors make a healthy, satisfying relationship for you and refusing to settle for anything less.
Recognizing Key Dating Qualities
Take a few moments to truly think about the characteristics that are most important to you. Is your ideal partner charismatic, compassionate, or family-oriented? What personal qualities are deal-breakers for you? Jot these down and reflect on why they matter.
For those who might have a less-than-stellar dating history or haven’t yet experienced a serious relationship, think of your ideal partner—the “dream boyfriend.” Imagine how they treat you and what key qualities they possess. Remember, the goal is to focus on meaningful traits, not superficial ones like height or sexual position.
Defining Your Dating Non-Negotiables
Once you have a list of qualities, it’s time to categorize them into two columns: Requirements and Negotiables. Requirements are the traits you absolutely need in a partner—perhaps loyalty, a monogamous mindset, or a shared desire for a family. Negotiables are qualities you might be willing to compromise on—perhaps they’re not the funniest person, but they’re someone you can communicate well with.
This exercise will help you create a “golden source of truth” to use as a guide when navigating the dating world. It’s easy to get distracted by good looks or the first person who asks you out, but staying true to your list will help you avoid settling for the wrong type of partner.
Balancing Physical Attraction with Key Qualities
Of course, physical attraction is still important. However, it should complement—not overshadow—the qualities you desire in a partner. If you’re solely dating someone because they’re attractive, but they lack key qualities like emotional intelligence or ambition, you may feel unfulfilled over time.
It’s important to strike a balance between physical chemistry and deeper connection. Consider the physical traits you’re drawn to, but don’t let them dominate your decision-making process. Instead, seek a partner who aligns with both your emotional needs and your physical preferences.
Staying True to Your Standards
When dating, it’s important to be mindful of the qualities you’re looking for from the very beginning. While some qualities might take time to reveal themselves, early interactions often provide clues as to whether someone meets your standards. If you notice behaviors that contradict your non-negotiables—like excessive drinking or disrespectful behavior—don’t hesitate to walk away.
Moreover, when it comes to dating, here are three crucial questions you should ask yourself:
- Do they treat you well?
- Are they looking for similar things out of a relationship?
- Are you attracted to them?
These questions are the three main pillars of any relationship. You should continually reflect on them, not just when you start dating someone but throughout the relationship, ensuring that the answer remains a resounding “yes.”
Dating is about aligning yourself with people who respect your boundaries and share your vision for a future together. By holding yourself to these standards, you can better navigate the dating landscape and find a partner who truly complements your life.
Ensuring You’re Emotionally Ready to Date
Finally, while identifying the qualities you want in a partner is important, it’s equally crucial to make sure you’re emotionally ready to date. As Gabby Bernstein, author of Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace, states, manifesting love is as much about working on your inner love as it is about finding a partner.
Before putting yourself out there, take time to reflect on your own emotional health. Are you practicing self-compassion and treating yourself with kindness? Are you ready to open yourself up to love, or do you need to take a step back to heal and grow? If you're not in a healthy headspace, you could end up self-sabotaging your dating efforts, no matter how aware you are of what you're looking for.
Embracing Self-Worth and Confidence on the Journey to Love
Dating can often feel like a daunting journey, especially in the fast-paced, visually-focused world of apps. However, by identifying the qualities that matter most to you, staying true to your standards, and making sure you’re emotionally ready to put yourself out there, you can manifest the kind of partner who complements your life in meaningful ways.
And as you navigate the complexities of dating and relationships, be sure to be kind to yourself. Practicing self-compassion and believing in your self-worth is crucial and can bring enthusiasm and excitement about the journey ahead.
Also, stay mindful of the messages that arise from your experiences and consider what you’ve learned from past dates and the conversations you have with yourself about those interactions. What insights can you glean from your reflections, and how can they help guide you forward?
Above all, recognize that you have the tools necessary to find what you’re looking for in a partner. You possess the ability to heal and cultivate love in your life. Embracing this confidence is vital, even if it feels challenging at times. As gay men, it can be particularly tough to navigate feelings of loneliness but remember: you are worthy of love.
While it may sometimes feel difficult to embody confidence, even feigning it can help you start believing in your own strength. Give yourself the kindness and acceptance you deserve as you embark on this journey toward love. By cultivating self-belief, you’ll open doors to meaningful relationships that align with your true self.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 18. Setting the Benchmark for Mr. Right.
Tune into your favorite podcast player every Tuesday for new episodes of A Jaded Gay.
