And That, My Friend, is What They Call Closure
As each year draws to a close, it's natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions. We often look back on the highs and lows, reflecting on how much has changed. For some, the end of the year brings a sense of loss or nostalgia, while others see it as a chance to reset.
I’m not one for resolutions—after all, self-improvement shouldn’t be confined to a single time of year—but I do believe in the value of the New Year as a fresh start, a clean slate. But to fully embrace the new opportunities ahead, we must first close the door on the past.
What is Closure?
According to BetterHelp, closure is the desire for an answer that leaves no room for uncertainty. This isn’t exclusive to romantic breakups. It also applies to any area of life—loss of a loved one, career disruptions, or even personal accidents. Essentially, any situation where grief, sadness, or uncertainty lingers can leave us seeking closure.
Additionally, closure provides a sense of control as we process emotions and move forward. Without it, our brains remain fixated on understanding, stuck in an endless loop of questioning what went wrong or what we could have done differently. Psychologists suggest that the absence of closure can actually cause emotional and psychological harm, keeping us from processing and moving on from difficult situations.
Two Motivations for Closure
There are two primary forces driving our need for closure: urgency and permanence tendency.
- Urgency tendency is the immediate desire to find an answer, to explain away confusion quickly. While this need for quick resolution might soothe initial distress, it can sometimes lead to rash decisions or incorrect conclusions.
- Permanence tendency, on the other hand, is about finding long-term closure. This approach allows us to process emotions fully and form logical conclusions, helping us move forward with clarity and confidence.
Your personality might dictate how strongly you feel this need for closure. For example, planners and those who dislike uncertainty may have a higher need for closure, whereas more open-minded and creative individuals might be more comfortable without clear answers.
Understanding the Need for Closure
In 1994, psychologists Arie W. Kruglanski and Donna M. Webster developed a psychological tool known as the Need For Closure Scale (NFCS). This scale was designed to measure the extent to which a person desires closure in their thoughts and decisions. People with a high need for closure tend to seek clear answers, dislike uncertainty, and prefer quick decision-making, while those with a lower need may be more comfortable with ambiguity and open-ended situations.
The NFCS consists of 41 questions that assess a person’s preference for order and decisiveness. Each question corresponds to one of five specific subscales, which focus on different aspects of closure-seeking behavior:
- A: The need for order
- B: The need for predictability
- C: The need for decisiveness
- D: The avoidance of ambiguity
- E: A measure of closed-mindedness
Scores are designed to reflect where individuals fall on the spectrum of needing closure. Scores can range from 82 to 246, with lower scores indicating a reduced need for closure and higher scores showing a stronger desire for it:
- Scores up to 82 suggest a low need for closure, meaning the individual is likely comfortable with uncertainty and open-endedness.
- Scores between 205 and 246 represent a high need for closure, indicating a strong preference for order, structure, and decisiveness.
If you’re curious about your own need for closure, you can complete the questionnaire which is designed to gauge your level of comfort with uncertainty. Each question addresses aspects of daily life, such as whether you prefer predictability in your social circle or if you’re comfortable with sudden changes in routine. Your score on this scale can help you understand how strongly you feel the need for answers in life’s uncertain situations.
Why Some People Avoid Closure
While many people seek closure to move forward from difficult situations, some actively avoid it. This resistance to closure can stem from various emotional or psychological reasons, most notably a fear of commitment or fear of confrontation.
For some, the uncertainty of an unresolved situation feels safer than the finality of knowing the truth. They may avoid closure because they fear what they might discover—whether it’s a painful revelation or even a confirmation of something positive. In either case, the emotional weight of confronting reality can feel overwhelming, prompting some to stay in a state of limbo.
The avoidance of closure often arises from a reluctance to face potential discomfort. When you don't have to confront the end of a relationship or situation, it allows you to delay the inevitable emotions that might follow. Whether it's fear of being hurt, rejected, or even of having to make tough decisions, avoiding closure offers a temporary reprieve from these difficult feelings.
Why Humans Need Closure
When relationships end, especially without explanation, the emotional aftermath can be devastating. According to Psychology Today, being rejected or denied honest answers about why a relationship ended can leave a person feeling stripped of their dignity and sense of self. Without closure, we are left to grapple with the loss of both a partner and a clear understanding of what went wrong.
Breakups, particularly when one-sided, can create a profound sense of grief, stemming from two primary factors:
- The loss of the partnership itself.
- The lack of clarity about why the relationship ended.
When one partner initiates the breakup, they’ve usually had time to reflect, process, and come to terms with their decision. They've already crafted a narrative about why the relationship isn't working. However, the person on the receiving end is often left in shock, thrown from a state of emotional security into a state of confusion. The narrative they once believed in—of a stable and happy relationship—is shattered, leaving them to question everything.
This sudden shift from certainty to ambiguity creates an emotional void. Without the "why," the person left behind is flooded with questions, not just about the past and present, but also about what their future would have been like if the relationship had continued.
How to Provide Closure in a Breakup
Breaking up with someone you care about can feel overwhelming, especially when you're concerned about hurting their feelings or grappling with guilt over ending the relationship. It's natural to want to soften the blow or avoid the hard truths, but being upfront is essential for providing clarity and closure. Without honesty, your partner may be left in confusion, struggling to understand why the relationship ended.
To ensure a compassionate breakup, follow these key steps:
- Be Honest: While it's tempting to sugarcoat the truth or leave out certain details, sharing your genuine reasons for ending the relationship is the most important step. Your partner deserves to know the factors that led to your decision. This honesty, though painful at the moment, will allow them to process and move on.
- Give Time to Grieve: After breaking the news, allow your partner space to grieve the end of the relationship. This period of mourning is vital for them to begin healing. Avoid rushing through this stage and be mindful of their emotional needs during this time.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries moving forward. This helps prevent misunderstandings and sets expectations for how you will communicate post-breakup. While it may feel uncomfortable, boundaries provide both individuals with the necessary space to heal and regain their emotional balance.
- Offer a Follow-Up Conversation: In the initial breakup conversation, you may not be able to address all of your partner's concerns. It can be helpful to offer to meet again in a few weeks' time to answer any lingering questions and provide a final goodbye. This gesture can help them gain closure and move forward with greater peace.
By speaking openly and honestly, you allow your partner the opportunity to understand the end of the relationship in a meaningful way. This approach, while difficult, is an act of kindness that fosters closure for both parties. When handled with care, a breakup can bring about emotional resolution, allowing both individuals to move on peacefully and begin new chapters in their lives.
How to Create Your Own Closure
Breakups don’t always end the way we want them to. In an ideal world, both parties would have an honest conversation, share their feelings, and provide each other with the closure they need to move on. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes we’re left ghosted, given vague reasons, or stuck with a post-it note saying, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.”
So, what do you do when your ex refuses to give you the closure you need? You create it for yourself:
- Reevaluate Your Partner: It’s common to idealize someone during a relationship, thinking of them as kind and amazing, but their actions during a breakup might reveal another side. If your ex was truly as great as you believed, they would have the decency to handle the breakup with care, even if it was difficult or uncomfortable.
- Write Your Feelings: You may feel the urge to confront your ex for answers, but in most cases, it won't bring the closure you seek. A healthier option is to write down your feelings—whether in a journal or as a letter to your ex—but don’t send it. This practice allows you to express your emotions without opening up more hurt or prolonging the breakup.
- Avoid Social Media: Checking up on your ex’s social media only prolongs the pain, like picking at a wound that hasn’t healed. If you find yourself constantly checking their Facebook or Instagram, consider blocking them. This isn’t petty—it’s a way of creating boundaries for your emotional well-being. Additionally, if they’re checking up on you after the breakup, it sends a clear message that they no longer have access to your life.
- Forgive Yourself: A breakup can stir up feelings of self-blame, resulting in you questioning your actions. This negative self-talk can spiral out of control, leading you to believe there’s something wrong with you. Yes, you may have made mistakes in the relationship, but that’s part of being human. Show yourself compassion, knowing that you are exactly where you need to be in life. Healing takes time, and you are enough, just as you are.
Closure Beyond Relationships
While the idea of closure often comes up in romantic relationships, it’s a practice that can be applied to any area of life. Whether it's a disagreement at work, tension with friends or family, or financial challenges, unresolved feelings can leave us feeling stuck, questioning ourselves, and unable to move forward.
Maybe you had a conflict with a coworker that left you doubting your professionalism. You might find yourself wondering, Was I wrong? Did I overreact? Am I difficult to work with? Or perhaps you’re still angry, feeling like the other person was at fault and that you're not getting the recognition or respect you deserve.
In these situations, the steps you’d take to find closure after a breakup can still apply. Write a letter to your coworker or the person involved, but don’t send it. The act of writing helps you process your emotions and release pent-up frustrations without escalating the situation. Journaling can also provide a space to reflect and find clarity in your feelings.
If you find that you were in the wrong, show yourself some grace. Mistakes are inevitable, and learning to forgive yourself is crucial. Use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and move forward with the understanding that we all make errors in judgment from time to time.
Moving Forward with Intention
As we approach the new year, take time to reflect on where you need closure. What do you need to let go of to move forward with a clean slate? Maybe you’re holding on to negative emotions from past relationships, work dynamics, or personal struggles. Use this time to grieve, process, and release those feelings.
Every year comes with both good and bad, and surviving a tough year is an accomplishment in itself. So, whether you feel like you’re thriving or just getting by, embrace the new year as a chance to reset. Set your intentions, focus on what you want to achieve, and give yourself the grace to move forward with purpose.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 37. Creating Your Own Closure.
Tune into your favorite podcast player every Tuesday for new episodes of A Jaded Gay.
