96. Should You Swipe Left on Gay Dating Apps?

Snarky Opener (0:00)

If you recognize that noise, you might be gay. And odds are, your data was stolen by China. Oops.

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because I found out that recently, A Jaded Gay podcast ranked number one on Apple Podcast's sexuality charts in Singapore.

So, to all my Singapore LGBTQuties, thank you so much for listening and for your support. I was so excited to hear that. And yeah, it's just amazing. I'm glad you're enjoying the episodes. And thank you again for your support. And everybody else around the world, step it up, and let's get this to number one on all the charts.

Happy Two Years and 100 Episodes! (1:00)

But shifting gears a bit, I am super excited for this month of April because there is a lot happening.

So first off, the podcast is turning two years old on April 19. And I can't believe it's been two years already. Time flies when you're having fun.

And then on top of that, at the end of April, we'll be hitting our 100th episode. So pretty big milestones.

And I've just, it's, I know it's going to sound very cliche, but it's been a journey. And I've learned a lot through doing the podcast, I hope you all have too.

And to celebrate the podcast turning two and the 100th episode, all those fun milestones, I want to celebrate my LGBTQuties by giving you the opportunity to win a really exciting thing. Or things I should say.

Enter A Jaded Gay Giveaway (1:43) 

So, keep an eye out for an Instagram post on A Jaded Gay pod's Insta page tomorrow, that's Wednesday, which is how you can actually enter the competition. So, what I'm asking you to do is, one, like the photo, and mention two of your friends in the comments who you think should listen to A Jaded Gay pod and become LGBTQuties. So, by doing that, you get one entry.

If you share that post to your story, you'll get an additional two entries. But make sure you mention the podcast in your story so that way I can see it and count it in with the entries. But wait, there's more.

If you leave a very nice review on Apple Podcasts, you get an additional five entries. But again, make sure you take a screenshot of the review and DM it to me on Instagram so I can make sure again to count that in with your entries.

And then lastly, if you join Patreon at any of the tiers $1, $3, or $5 any tier, you get an additional 10 entries into the competition. So altogether, if you do all those steps, you can get 18 total entries.

And I know you're probably wondering, okay, but what do I win? Well, in my opinion, some pretty great stuff.

The winner will be announced on the April 30 podcast. So, you'll hear about that then. But the winner will get A Jaded Gay hat, t-shirt, and wine tumbler, which is really great for the summertime; highly recommend it. You'll also get signed copies of both my books, even the one I don't like.

And maybe the most exciting part about that, you'll be able to pick a topic for a future episode. So, I mean, I think that's a pretty good deal.

So tomorrow, keep an eye out on the podcast's Instagram page. And you have until Friday, April 26, to do all those fun little tasks. And again, in the Instagram post, I will recap that of what you do for 1, 3, 5, and 10 entries. So, if you forget from listening, don't worry, it'll be in the podcast post.

But I really am encouraging everybody to check it out. You know, share it, like it, comment your friends in it, maybe even join Patreon, I'd really appreciate that. Especially the reviews would be greatly appreciated.

You could do all of it. You could do one of those things, whatever feels right to you. You can do it and be entered into the competition.

So, I'm very excited to see y'all get engaged with that. And I'm excited to pick the winner and have the winner pick a future podcast topic, so it'll be really interesting to see what you come up with.

Gay Dating Apps (3:49) 

Anyway, from Insta likes to Tinder swipes. Today we are talking about dating apps, which seems synonymous with gay dating or maybe hookups.

Odds are we've all used at least one of the apps at some point in our lives. In fact, according to a 2023 Pew Research Study, LGBTQ+ people are 23% more likely to use a dating site or app compared to straight people.

And while it can be a convenient way to meet like-minded gay men in our area, they can also have some negative implications for our mental health. So, swipe right, favorite, woof, whatever it is they do on apps these days, do that to this episode because we are going to get into it.

But first, tarot time.

Tarot (4:05) 

So, the card for this episode is The Magician, which is a Major Arcana card. So, as you know this is signifying something big in our lives, and The Magician is number one in the Major Arcana.

However, it's not the first card to appear because as you might remember, the first card in the Major Arcana is actually The Fool, which has a value of zero. But this is the first card in the Major Arcana with an assigned number. And as we know, one is tied to the individual and new beginnings.

Now in traditional depictions of this card, it shows a man with a pentacle, cup, and sword on the table in front of him. And he's holding a wand high over his head. So, this card has pieces of all four Minor Arcana suits, representing all four elements and their energies. But it's especially heavy on Wands, which is tied to the element of fire, and is representative of passion, creativity, and sexuality. Wands is also masculine energy and it's very action-oriented.

Also, above The Magician's head is an infinity symbol, which is telling us that our energy and inner magic is constantly flowing through us with no end. So, when we draw this card, it's reminding us that we have all the elements in front of us to achieve what we desire.

But we need to take action with clear intentions that connect with our passions if we want to make our dreams a reality. And because we have all these elements at our fingertips, this card is reminding us that we are more powerful than we know.

The History of Online Dating (5:57)

So, with that in mind, let's start off the episode with the history of online dating. According to eHarmony, when the first modern newspaper was invented, people bought personal ads to discreetly connect and communicate with one another in hopes of finding love or sex.

And I'm clutching my pearls. You mean to tell me people were having sex since colonial times?

Oh, my God, go to church.

Just kidding. It's natural. Get over it.

But in all seriousness, according to DatingAdvice.com, the first known personal ads were published in 1685, and in the 1700s, gay men began to place ads using code words. Anyway, back to eHarmony's timeline, in 1959, two Stanford students conducted a class project for the Happy Families Planning Services, where they used a punch card questionnaire and an IBM 650 mainframe computer to match 49 pairs of men and women.

In 1965, two Harvard students conducted a social experiment called Operation Match, where they used a questionnaire and an IBM 1401 to match students based on their similarities. And during the '60s, millions used the service, paying approximately $3 to fill out a questionnaire.

Then, in 1993, the World Wide Web launched into the public domain, and by 1995, the keywords online dating was searched for over 135,000 times a month. By 1998, email had become widely adopted and it also was the year that You Got Mail, starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, came out. And then in 2000, Dr. Neil Clark Warren launched eHarmony, which was the first algorithm-based dating site.

Then in 2004, Facebook was invented by Mark Zuckerberg, which has come to impact how we connect and date using the internet. I mean, anyone else remember how pokes were synonymous with flirting? Nope, just me. Okay.

Anyway, in 2007, we see the iPhone and other smartphones hit the market. And eHarmony also says that by 2009, gay dating sites were becoming popular. But that's also the year eHarmony launched Compatible Partners. So, I'm sure gay dating sites were popular before this date. They're just trying to plug in their inclusivity.

Jumping ahead to 2012, location-based dating apps and social discovery applications were becoming extremely popular. And today, here we are asking each other what apps they're on or what app they met their significant other on.

The History of Online Gay Dating (8:18)

But let's take a deeper history lesson regarding online gay dating, pre dating apps. So according to an October 2023 article from the Windy City Times titled The Evolution of LGBTQ+ Online Dating, author Michelle Zipkin, says that online LGBTQ+ dating culture first manifested in the early '90s.

In December 1993, Andy Cramer launched Gay.net, which was a bulletin board system. And these types of systems were major online spaces that served as local or regional dial-up networks that were operated mostly by hobbyists or enthusiasts. Following the HIV/AIDS crisis that hit the U.S. in 1981, Cramer thought about how he had lost so many friends to AIDS, and how lonely that was for gay men who felt disconnected from the community. So, he launched Gay.net and mailed out diskettes that allowed members to install the software, which was initially run on 16 modems. And in the first year of its existence, 10,000 gay and bisexual men paid $10 a month to access Gay.net.

Now prior to this, there was Prodigy, AOL and CompuServe, but they were all heavily censored and Cramer wanted to create a more inclusive space. And fun fact, Cramer actually met his husband of 27 years on the site. Anyway, he later merged Gay.net with Gay.com, which went from 1 million to 4 million users in 1999. And Gay.com was a Java-based chat system launched by Mark Elderkin in 1996.

And then, we kind of touched upon this in our Gaydar episode, but in November 1999, Gary Frisch and Henry Badenhorst founded the profile-based dating website for gay and bisexual men called Gaydar. And they created this after a friend of theirs complained they were too busy to find a boyfriend offline. So, the initial idea for it was based upon a then-current concept of a corporate intranet that was in development

 Now, in the 2000s, some more LGBTQ+-specific dating sites popped up, but one of the most popular were OkCupid, which launched in 2004.

The History of Grindr (10:21)

But then the landscape of gay dating seemed to forever change in 2009 with the advent of Grindr. I mean, literally, if you Google the history of gay dating apps, the majority of the results are about the history of Grindr and how it changed gay dating.

Anyway, in March of 2009, Israeli entrepreneur Joel Simkhai launched Grindr as a way for gay men to make friends. And it used the iPhone's satellite location data to let people discover other men nearby. Now, while Gaydar was already a popular website and also launched an app that same year, they were slow to adapt their app and Grindr came out on top. And Grindr's success was also a matter of being in the right place at the right time. Just six months after the iPhone 3G launched, smartphones were slowly starting to gain traction which gave Simkhai an idea.

Here's a quote from a 2018 Verdict article who spoke to Landen Zumwalt, Director of Corporate Communications at Grindr:

"Joel was working in Manhattan after college and found online dating very time-consuming. Everyone always seemed to be a mile or more away, and Joel had always wondered who was gay around him. He felt that there had to be a better way so he set forth on developing a way for gay men to connect using smartphones, which were becoming more prevalent at the time. When the second-generation iPhone came out with GPS, the solution became clear to Joel."

After two years of development, Grindr first appeared in the app store just six months after the iPhone 3G launched, not only was it the first geolocation dating app, it was also one of the first apps aimed at gay users and one of the first third-party apps for the iPhone. And those features alone helped Grindr succeed without any special marketing campaigns.

Additionally, in June 2009, three months after the app launched actor Stephen Fry appeared on the BBC show Top Gear and talked about Grindr. Simkhai later told media that Fry's impact was instant, resulting in about 10,000 downloads overnight, which increased their base by 50%. And Grindr also popularized dating apps and geolocation technology.

According to Statista, Grindr has approximately 12.15 million active users and more than 2.89 million quarterly downloads. It's also the fourth highest-grossing dating application worldwide and reaches more than 190 countries.

And I'm not going to explain how Grindr works and its different features because I'm sure most of you already know that. But despite being an early innovator for gay dating apps, there has been criticism of it regarding discrimination and safety concerns, which we'll cover in a bit.

But before we do, let's take a look at some other popular gay dating apps.

Most Popular Gay Dating Apps of 2023 (12:59)

So, I Googled the most popular dating apps of 2023 and this is the list that Google provided:

• Scruff
• Her
• Growlr
• Surge
• Daddyhunt
• Grindr
• Hornet
• Lex
• Jack'd
• Mingle2
• BiggerCity
• and Romeo

Now, I was surprised because there are a good number of those I didn't recognize, and we're not going to cover them all.

Scruff (13:22)

But kicking it off with Scruff, according to BuzzFeed News, the app was launched in October 2010 as a rival to Grindr. The article describes Scruff as being edgier yet friendlier and championed users who were more hairy and scruffy and maybe bearish compared to Grindr, which seemed to be flooded with young hairless V-shaped torsos. While it still utilized similar templates and geolocation technology, it did provide some enhanced features. And according to Wikipedia, it had more than 15 million users in 2019, but don't quote me on that.

Jack’d (13:54)

Also, in 2010, Jack'd was launched. According to Pink News, it's similar to Grindr, but it's tailored specifically for people of color. And in 2019, the parent company of Scruff bought Jack'd.

Growlr (14:07)

Growlr was also launched in November 2010 by Coley Cummiskey, and it was the world's first bear dating app. It's been considered a key part of the bear community, offering support to many bear events around the world and serving as the genesis for other bear dating apps that have been established since. And in March 2019, it was sold to the Meet Group, which is a straight social app company.

BiggerCity (14:29)

Also tied to the bear community is BiggerCity, which is tailored for bears, chubs, and chasers. Now this one I had trouble finding any info about, but apparently it started out as a website in 2002 and later launched the app. And I'm assuming it launched post 2010 since Growlr was the first bear dating app.

Hornet (14:47)

Meanwhile, Hornet launched in 2011 with the intention to be used in countries where coming out as LGBTQ+ is problematic. According to Pink News, it's widely used in countries like France, Brazil, Russia, and Turkey, and it's also popular with a niche UK audience. And in addition to dating, Hornet's in-house editorial team also provides LGBTQ+ news and city guides.

Online Sexual Racism (15:11)

Now while these apps provided a convenient way for gay men to connect, they did cause problems. For starters, there has been rampant racial, body, and gender discrimination on the apps.

And starting with race, some of these apps including Grindr and Scruff had ethnicity filters, which allowed users to filter and block members of certain ethnicities from their grid searches. And it wasn't until the murder of George Floyd in May 2020 that these apps began to remove the ethnicity filter feature. Grindr was among the first followed by Scruff and Jack'd, and then several others followed suit.

But interestingly enough, Cornell researchers had recommended this to be done two years prior in a paper on addressing racial bias and discrimination in dating apps. But even though those features were removed in 2020, it doesn't stop dating app users from having their quote-unquote, preferences, nor does it prevent racist and hostile language on the apps.

I mean, I'm sure we've all seen the phrase no fats, no fems, no insert race in online dating profiles. And just another reminder that if you do have that in your profile, delete it immediately and take a long look at yourself in the mirror.

Body Image Issues (16:19)

Meanwhile, a 2019 study published in the international peer-reviewed journal Body Image found that Grindr negatively affects body image through weight stigma, sexual objectification, and social comparison. In 2023, another scientific journal, BMC Public Health, found that Grindr was one of the most important predictors of orthorexia, which is the unhealthy obsession with eating healthy foods. There's also pressure to adhere to a certain body type such as twink, jock, or bear, and there are other factors being judged, including height and body hair.

Safety Issues (16:51)

And then there are also safety issues. Aside from just remaining safe because you're meeting a stranger from the internet, there have been reports of homophobes using gay dating apps to target gay men. And beyond our physical safety. There's also concerns over the safety of our data and privacy.

Grindr’s Data & Security Concerns (17:08)

In 2016, the Kunlun Group, a Chinese gaming company began buying out Grindr, which was completed in 2018. However, intelligence experts were concerned that this buyout would give the Chinese government access to Grindr profiles of American users. And China is certainly not the most LGBTQ+ friendly country adding another layer of concern.

Also in 2018, reports surfaced that there was a security flaw with Grindr where users' precise locations could be exposed. It was also revealed that Grindr was sending some unencrypted personal data to third parties, and this data included users' HIV statuses.

In March 2020, after continuous national security concerns, the Kunlun group sold Grindr to San Vincente Acquisition. However, in June of that year, Reuters reported that San Vincente Acquisition had ties to the Kunlun Group. And as the cherry on top of this, the new owners are straight.

Dating Apps’ Potential Impact on Gay Bars (18:05)

Another potential issue about gay dating apps, although this one is debated, is the effect they have on gay bars.

Since around 2015, there have been complaints that gay dating apps have dehumanized each other and contributes to what some have described as, quote-unquote, a loss of community. Mark Oakley, owner of the Eagle bar in London, was quoted in 2015 as saying, "Grindr came along offering a much more direct route to sex with no real barriers. Why would people want to go to a club, pay a door entry fee, pay for drinks when there might not even be anyone there they like."

In 2017. The Financial Times, which is a British daily business newspaper, published an article about the disruptive influence Grindr and other gay apps had on gay bars. It cites research from the Urban Laboratory at University College London that between 2006 and 2017, the UK capital had lost more than half its gay bars and clubs, falling from 125 to 53.

Now some of this is credited to rising rents and their 2007 smoking ban, but gay dating apps like Grindr and Scruff eliminated the need to meet first in bars. In 2016, Grindr founder Joel Simkhai spoke out against claims that the app was contributing to the death of gay bars. However, a 2023 Washington Post article claims that there are 45% fewer gay bars today than there were in 2002, and cites gay dating apps as a factor in that.

But others note that you can't blame gay bar closures purely on gay dating apps and that other factors, like the greater mainstream acceptance of LGBTQ+ people, play a factor in this as well. I mean, because of this mainstream acceptance, queer people don't exclusively need gay spaces and are moving out of gayborhoods and gay bar districts.

Additionally, more same-sex couples are starting to have kids so they're spending more time at home or involved with their kids' social activities, instead of going to gay bars. And we touched upon both of these aspects in the gay neighborhoods episode.

Meanwhile, some even say that dating apps allow a new sense of community building for LGBTQ+ people. So, it appears to be somewhat debatable over just how much blame to place on gay dating apps for gay bar closures.

Dating Apps’ Mental Health Effects on Gay Men (20:12)

But one thing we do have some more concrete statistics for is that gay dating apps can be bad for our mental health.

For one thing, it can exacerbate physical insecurities we may have which we touched on in the episode on gay men comparing themselves to one another. And in that episode, we talked about a 2020 research study at California State Polytechnic University Pomona, which took a look at gay men and their self-perceptions based on Grindr use.

The researchers observed toxic behavior and the study found that there was a slightly higher percentage of users experiencing negative self-feelings than users who experienced positive self-feelings. And the author proposed that those negative self-feelings were reinforced by users socially comparing themselves to others.

But despite acknowledging the toxic behavior, most participants expressed continuing using Grindr to seek physical validation, regardless of potential adverse effects on self-perception.

Additionally, while dating apps connect this to others in the community, it can also contribute to feelings of loneliness. A 2019 Psychology Today article explains that the convenience of dating apps to find others based on proximity has put a greater focus on more superficial sexual relationships.

Now, obviously, there's nothing wrong with that. But this makes it more difficult for people who are trying to find a long-term partner or friends in the LGBTQ+ community, as opposed to a casual encounter.

They go on to cite a recent study published in Psychology & Sexuality, which explored the motivations and outcomes associated with using various gay dating apps among a sample of 191 gay and bisexual men. They found that 71% of participants logged into gay dating apps at least once a day, with the majority logging in two to four times a day.

And just under half the sample size indicated that their primary use for the apps was to meet people for sex. Meanwhile, just under 19% of participants in the study said that their primary reason for using the apps was to find someone to date. So, with that in mind, the question of whether using gay dating apps has negative or positive impacts on gay men really depends on what they're using the apps for.

For example, men in the study who reported that they use gay dating apps primarily to find sexual partners reported higher levels of self-esteem and life satisfaction, as well as lower levels of loneliness compared to men who indicated their primary use for gay dating apps, was any of the other reasons unrelated to seeking a sexual partner, such as finding dates or making friends.

“A Vicious Cycle” (22:39)

Also, in 2019, Marco Bagnoli published the article How Using Grindr Can Lead to Mental Health Problems in Medium and illustrated a quote-unquote, vicious cycle when it comes to gay dating app usage. Here's the passage:

"Most gay men log onto Grindr when they feel sad, anxious, or lonely. The opportunity to have sex immediately and nearby can distract them from those painful emotions. Every time unbearable feelings arise, they click on the app and find someone to have a hook up with. When they're done, and they're back home, another unpleasant feeling arises: guilt. They feel guilty about using the app just to have meaningless sex with some stranger. And to avoid feeling that way, they opened the app again. There a vicious cycle begins and it can go on forever if they don't do anything to break it."

And this cycle can actually lead to a type of dating app addiction.

Variable Ratio Reinforcement (23:31)

Psychiatrist Jack Turban wrote in a Vox article how gay dating apps are designed to make finding sex easy, which can make them hard to stop using.

In his article, Turban explains that neuroscientists have found that orgasm causes activation of pleasure areas of the brain, while deactivating areas of self-control. And these researchers have observed that these patterns of activation in men are very similar compared to the brain of individuals using heroin or cocaine.

So, a neutral action like clicking on Grindr, paired with a pleasurable response in the brain, like having an orgasm can cause humans to learn that action over and over again. And while that can be a normal pleasure response, it could also lead to addiction in some. Here's a quote:

"Grindr, intentionally or not leverages, a psychological concept called variable ratio reinforcement, in which rewards for clicking come at unpredictable intervals. You may find a hook-up immediately, or you may be on your phone for hours before you find one. Variable ratio reinforcement is one of the most effective ways to reinforce behavior, and it makes stopping that behavior extremely difficult."

And a common example of this variable ratio is slot machines. Since gamblers don't know when the next payout will be, they keep pulling the lever hoping to win.

Turban goes on to liken Grindr as a slot machine that rewards you with an orgasm at unpredictable intervals, which can be a powerful recipe for addiction.

A Distraction from Bad Emotions (24:55)

And across the board in the research I found on this, a core theme reported by gay men about why they use Grindr and gay dating apps was to stop feeling sad or anxious or lonely. Basically, these apps were used as a distraction from bad emotions.

Additionally, Time Well Spent, a nonprofit focused on the digital attention crisis, surveyed 200,000 iPhone users and found that 77% of Grindr users felt regret after using the app. And it goes back to that vicious cycle we previously talked about. Some users keep coming back to gay dating apps for that temporary emotional relief.

Roadblocks to Finding Love (25:30)

Turban also explains that gay dating app use can prevent some men from finding lasting relationships. He surveyed users to learn about their experiences on the app.

One 23-year-old was afraid of rejection and using Grindr shielded him from the pain of in-person turndowns.

And another said that whenever he and his boyfriend fought, he would typically download Grindr to quote-unquote, find an alternative instead of working through the problems.

So, with all that being said, maybe excessive use of gay dating apps has desensitized us and caused us to lose some of our social skills when it comes to community building.

Personal Opinion (26:04)

Now, with that all being said, I don't think gay dating apps are the source of all evil.

I mean, I feel the back half of this episode was kind of critical to them. But I can see both sides. There are definitely benefits to them, as well as some potential issues. And hey, I've definitely used them in my 20s when I was trying to date and had mixed responses to using them.

I mean, I definitely had some okay dating experiences from them, and I made some friends along the way. And if you want to hear some of my opinions and dating app stories, check out this month's bonus episode on Patreon, which is linked in the episode description.

But for me, personally, I did feel self-conscious using the apps like, "Oh, am I as attractive as this person next to me in the grid?" Or if I went on a date with someone from one of the apps, I'd worry like, "Oh, are they still on the apps looking to meet other guys? Or do they want to get to know me more?"

You know, I created a lot of insecurity in myself through how I viewed the apps, and I really haven't used them in a couple years.

There was a brief period of time where I was on Hinge last summer since I was new to Philly and was really just interested in having dinner or a drink with someone and having someone to talk to even if it was just for friendship. But honestly, there was so much going on last year, I felt that dating was not right for me. And I realized that I really needed to spend time to focus on myself and getting acclimated to Philly, and all that.

And that's continued into this year. You know, I like being alone right now and having my quiet time at home and making time for my podcasting and writing and really putting my focus into building genuine friendships, especially within the gay community, as opposed to trying to date. And I felt less anxious and insecure not being on any apps so I don't plan on getting on any anytime soon.

You know, I think I've said it before, but 2024 is the planned year of being single. I told myself, maybe 2025, I'll see how I'm feeling and if I'm interested in dating, but for right now I like being on my own. It just feels safer for me right now and after a big year of change in 2023, I need to feel safe and not overthink.

Plus, I kind of like the idea of trying to meet other gay men to be friends with in actual social settings, like through friends or social groups, as opposed to a dating app.

Episode Closing (28:01)

So, with all that in mind, I do think it's important to be mindful of what you're looking for and how you're using any apps you may be on and how you're feeling when you're using the apps. And I think a good way of checking in with ourselves is by reflecting on our boundaries, and also implementing them when it comes to using dating apps.

And if you do think that dating apps are having a majorly negative impact on your life, or if you feel like you have an unhealthy relationship with them, definitely talk to a therapist to unpack that. And if being on the apps feels right to you, that's great.

But remember to be kind. Remember that there is a person on the other side of the online profile you're messaging.

And tying it back to the tarot, The Magician, it's signifying a new beginning and the individual. It's letting us know that we have all the elements at our fingertips, and we can create what we want. And, in relation to dating apps, you know, there's not a one-size-fits-all all approach for a dating app.

There's obviously different apps for different things, you have different experiences on different apps. And you can really go into any of them with the intent of whether you're looking for casual sex or friends or just casual dating or a long-term relationship. So really, it's kind of a choose-your-own adventure, if you will.

But just like The Magician reminding us that we have everything we need and that we're stronger than we know, we have to be mindful about why we're on the apps. We have to trust our intuition.

You know, it's easy to get distracted by the sea of shirtless hotties on any grid-style app. But if you're looking for a genuine relationship, you can't just base that off of looks or kind of scroll through a grid and say who's the hottest here that I want to go out with?

You know, if you're looking for something more serious and you know, casual hookups don't feel comfortable to you, then be mindful of that and don't be you know, persuaded by being in a certain mood or by seeing that hot shirtless profile to just jump into something if you're not really comfortable doing that and if you're going to feel guilty about it afterwards.

And again, if that is something that appeals to you, there's no shame in that. Like I always say as long as everything's consensual and everyone's safe. But just be mindful of the reason you're on the app, whatever app you're choosing, and make sure you bring that energy forward, you know be forthcoming when somebody asks you what you're looking for.

You know, be truthful, be kind. And don't just write off that, because maybe, you know, I'm looking for something more casual, and this person's looking for something more serious or vice versa. Don't necessarily write that person off as, well, you're a waste of my time. I mean, you could still form a friendship from that.

I think, in this day and age, when the election season ads and political rants have begun, more than ever, we can use friends and we can use that feeling of support within our community. We don't need to be attracted to everyone, you know, we don't need to want to hook up with everyone or date everyone. But we can still support one another and be platonic friends and be kind to each other. It takes zero effort to be kind.

You know, I've talked about that meme before on Instagram that says, you know, just because you're not attracted to somebody doesn't mean you can't be nice to them. And it's true.

So again, trust your intuition, trust yourself, and what you're bringing forward to a dating profile, what you're looking for, be forthcoming, and keep that in mind through interactions. And also know that you have the magic to create whatever type of connection you want on the app, whether it's friendship, whether it's something casual, whether it's something more serious.

We have the ability to create those interpersonal relationships within our community. And we can also use that as an opportunity to spread kindness, which we need now more than ever.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (31:13)

So anyway, that's my spiel on dating apps. Like I said, if you want to hear more about my experiences, and my ranking based off of my experiences of dating apps, check out the Patreon episode.

But I'd really love to hear from you all. Like you know, do you use dating apps frequently? Have you had success from them? Do you have any crazy stories about using a dating app? Feel free to send it my way. I'd love to hear about it and if you're okay with it, maybe we can read some of these on air and share our worst dating app stories or best dating app stories. Anyway, you know the email; send it to rob@ajadedgay.com.

Also, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. Five stars are greatly appreciated, as always. You can also check out the website ajadedgay.com, for more information about episodes, resources, guests, links to merchandise, all that fun stuff.

You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, if you're feeling generous, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That's @ajadedgaypod. And remember, if you do that you also get 10 entries into this really fun giveaway. So, if the feeling of being generous isn't enough, you might win something in return. So, I think that's a pretty good trade-off. For $1, not a bad deal.

And again, signing up for Patreon you get access to episodes ad-free a day early, exclusive monthly bonus content, at the $3 and $5 tier you get t-shirts, and at the $5 tier you get a personalized shout-out from yours truly. So yeah, check it out. Or if you're afraid of commitment, you can also do a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have so you got to make your own happiness. Mmm-bye.

Outtake (33:18) 

So, first off, the podcast is turning two years old on April...oh, shit. What was the date? I should know my own podcast's birthday. Oops. Let's see... on April 19.