92. Metrosexual Madness

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Oh, now I get it. Self-care isn't gay as long as you're doing it for a girl, silly me.

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Bonjour, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because I recently just got back from a trip to Paris, which was amazing.

Now, it wasn't a total vacation. I did have to go there for some obligations. So, there was a few days that I was not really traveling or seeing anything, just, you know, doing some boring stuff. But, at the end of the day, still got to go there had a few days to myself to travel, explore. It was amazing.

I've been to Paris once before, so I kind of didn't have to go to some of the like, the touristy stuff like, you know, the Notre Dame the Louvre, things like that. So, I got to do some like kind of off the beaten path tours. And it was really great. One of the tours I did actually was about a historic gay neighborhood in Paris, which the history was just amazing.

And actually, if you haven't seen already, this month's bonus episode is recapping my trip to Paris. We'll talk more about that what I've learned about the LGBTQ+ neighborhood there, some other fun gay stuff from being in Paris. So definitely recommend you head over to Patreon after this and check it out.

Metrosexuality (1:26)

Anyway, bringing things back to America here, we are talking about the metrosexual stereotype, or persona or whatever you want to call it. You know, from time to time, we do cover stereotypes on this podcast. And that's what we're doing today. We're talking about metrosexuality.

Now, personal anecdote, my cousins are quite a bit older than me. And when I was a kid, but still old enough to recognize that I felt different from most people around me, I started hearing my family referring to one of my older cousins as being metrosexual. And this was because he cared about his appearance and wore cologne and exhibited behaviors that people stereotypically associate with gay men. And so, a part of me was a bit relieved because I was like, "Oh, wow, a gay guy in our family. How wonderful." As if like metrosexuality was a sexuality. And spoiler alert, it's not, and plot twist, he's also not gay. But as it turns out, the metrosexual wave in the early 2000s was just plain problematic, so we're gonna get into it.

But first, you know the drill. Let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (2:28) 

So, the card for this episode is the Two of Swords. It's a Minor Arcana card. So, it's more about the day to day changes we can make.

Swords is tied to the element of air, and it's masculine energy. So, it's quite action oriented. And Swords is representative of truth, our thoughts and ideas, and how we communicate. So, you can think of it as the Sword of Truth and the pen is mightier than the sword, sayings like that. And in numerology, two is symbolic of duality, partnership and choice.

So, when we draw this card, it's indicating that we might be in a place of indecision. And in the traditional depiction of the two of swords, we see a woman who is blindfolded and holding two swords crossed over her chest, and her back is facing the ocean. And the swords she's holding are in perfect balance, which represents her weighing her thoughts, and water and Cups are representative of our emotions. So, with her back facing the ocean, it's showing that she's relying on her intuition and intellect to weigh her options instead of reacting emotionally.

So, this card is reminding us to balance our Swords and our Cups, our mind and our heart to make a decision that's most aligned with what we want to achieve.

The Term “Metrosexual” and Its Origins (3:36)

So, with that in mind, let's turn over to metrosexuality and kick it off with a vocabulary lesson. So, metrosexual is a combination of the words metropolitan, which in this case means someone who has the sophistication fashionable taste or other habits and manners associated with those who live in a metropolis, and the word sexual.

According to Merriam Webster, a metrosexual is usually an urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments and fashionable clothes. Or, as Urban Dictionary puts it more simply, it's a male who looks like he's gay, but bangs, chicks and not dicks.

And the term metrosexual entered popular culture in 2002, and won the Word of the Year Award from the American Dialect Society in 2003. However, both the term metrosexual and the social phenomenon that it means originated in the mid-90s.

Mark Simpson, an English journalist, writer and broadcaster specializing in popular culture, media and masculinity, first coined the term in his article "Here Come the Mirror Men: Why the Future is Metrosexual" in The Independent on November 15, 1994. The point of the article was to satirize what he saw as consumerism's toll on traditional masculinity. In it, he writes how, in 1994, times have changed because men were seen as caring more about their opinion. Here's an excerpt:

"Metrosexual Man, the single young man with a high disposable income, living or working in the city, because that's where all the best shops are, is perhaps the most promising consumer market of the decade. In the 80s, he was only to be found inside fashion magazines such as GQ, in television advertisements for Levi's jeans or in gay bars. In the 90s, he's everywhere and he's going shopping."

And he goes on to say that Metrosexual Man is a commodity fetish, a collector of fantasies about the male sold to him by advertising. Simpson asserted that traditional heterosexual men were quote, unquote, the world's worst consumers since they primarily shopped for specific items while traditional heterosexual women were expected to buy the rest, whether it was their mom or their wife. However, in the consumerist world of the 90s, the metrosexual man contradicted the basic premise of traditional heterosexuality, that only women are looked at and only men do the looking.

And this was another line from the article that really caught my eye. "Metrosexual man might prefer women, he might prefer men, but when all is said and done, nothing comes between him and his reflection."

And as Encyclopedia.com puts it, Simpson used the term metrosexual to define an explicitly gendered, yet ambiguously sexualized form of narcissistic male consumerism and style consciousness made possible by self-imposed abstention from the financial entanglements, typically associated with being the breadwinner in the context of normative heterosexual family life.

Metrosexuality’s Increase in Popularity (6:29)

However, the word metrosexual really took off following another article Simpson wrote, titled "Meet the Metrosexual," which was published by Salon.com on July 22, 2002. In it he describes David Beckham as the biggest metrosexual in Britain. Here's an excerpt:

"Outing someone is not a thing to be contemplated lightly, but I feel it is my duty to let the world know that David Beckham, role model to hundreds of millions of impressionable boys around the world, heartthrob for equal numbers of young girls, is not heterosexual after all. No, ladies and gents, the captain of the England football squad is actually a screaming, shrieking, flaming, freaking metrosexual. He'll thank me for doing this one day, if only because he didn't have to tell his mother himself."

And he cites that this is the case because Beckham was fashionable, frequently sported trendy haircuts and loved being looked at. Simpson goes on to say that gay men provided the early prototype for metrosexuality since they had a tendency to be socially emasculated. He cites that gay men pioneered the business of accessorizing masculinity in the late 1970s, with the invention of the Castro clone look modeled after The Village People, which we touched upon in our mustaches episode.

And then, fast forwarding to 2002, Simpson claims that straight men were being emasculated by female metrosexuality, as seen in Sex in the City. Female metrosexuality was thought to complement male metrosexuality, except it was active while the latter was passive. And he claimed that a straight men's sense of self and manhood was no longer delivered by his relationship with women. Rather, it was challenged by it. And the more independent, wealthy and powerful women became, the more they were likely to want attractive, well-groomed, well-dressed men around them. Here's another passage:

"The stoic self-denying modest straight male didn't shop enough. His role was to earn money for his wife to spend. And so, he had to be replaced by a new kind of man, one less certain of his identity and much more interested in his image. That's to say, one who was much more interested in being looked at because that's the only way you can be certain you actually exist. A man, in other words, who is an advertiser's walking wet dream."

And one thing to note was this term was used in a more general sense to describe any man who's claimed to a particular sexual identity was rendered either suspect or altogether or irrelevant by his utterly narcissistic obsession with his own sophistication and superior physical appearance. But again, metrosexual could be open to any man, gay, bi or straight. But it was primarily used for straight men who adopted a purportedly quote unquote, gay aesthetic. And also, marketing initiatives tapped into this trend, as a means to increase sales among men, specifically, this newfound demographic.

Metrosexuality Traits (9:13)

And as I was doing research for this episode, I came across a MedicineNet.com article titled, "What Makes Someone Metrosexual?" and I laughed because at the top of this article, it calls out that it was medically reviewed on April 6, 2022. Honestly, like they're a little behind on the times with that one. Anyway, according to the article, the three dimensions of metrosexuality include trendiness, preoccupation with appearance and extensive usage of grooming procedures. They also include five signs you're dating a metrosexual man. So, are you ready for this? And I'm just going to read this verbatim from the article because it is ridiculous.

Number one, he frequently looks in the mirror and admires himself. If your boyfriend prefers to look in the mirror after he gets out of the shower, admiring himself while inspecting his hair and dousing it with hairspray and gel or staring at his sideburns, then he is a man who is concerned about his appearance. Number two, he is quite picky about housework. Usually, men wouldn't mind a speck of dirt here and there as long as they see a mop regularly passing over the floor or the bedroom is clean. However, if your lover constantly criticizes you for missing a place, he may be metrosexual. Number three, he enjoys dressing up. When he puts on a suit, he could easily pass for a male model. If his scent from a branded perfume stays on your clothes for days after you embrace him, he is most likely a metrosexual man. Number four, he critiques your attire. Assume you two decide to go out and you dress casually because you've grown so familiar with him and at ease with him. However, when you show him your clothing, he is unimpressed with the matching of your shoes. He may quickly point out your lack of fashion and urge you to dress properly. And number five, he enjoys grooming and hairstyles. He is metrosexual if he gets a manicure and pedicure at least one time a month and likes tweezing his eyebrows.

I'm just gonna say it, I don't think anybody likes tweezing their eyebrows. I do it so I don't have a unibrow, like excuse me. Anyway, moving on with the ridiculousness.

A Marriage.com article from April 2023 also expands upon this list, with some additional signs of someone being a metrosexual. And again, I'm going to just read these verbatim.

Number one fashion forward. A metrosexual man is often in tune with the latest fashion trends and takes pride in his appearance. Metrosexual men like to dress well and keep up with the latest trends in their well curated wardrobes. They spend time putting together stylish outfits and take pride in their metrosexual style. Number two, attention to detail. A metrosexual man has a great sense of style, and a keen eye for detail. He's likely to be organized and meticulous in his approach to life. Metrosexual men may tie their shoelaces to the color coordination of their outfits, and they strive for perfection. Number three appreciation for self-care. A metrosexual man values and understands the importance of self-care. He's likely to engage in activities like spa treatments and other wellness practices to maintain his mental and physical health. And lastly, number four, open mindedness. One of their best metrosexual characteristics is their open-minded personality. A metrosexual man is open minded and accepting of other's differences. Metrosexual men have a keen interest in art. They appreciate everything related to it, and are always willing to explore and learn new things.

So first off, I'm calling BS on that last one. Like being open minded does not make you metrosexual, it makes you a good human being. Also, self-care does not make you metrosexual, it means you're being a healthy person. And the author of this article, again it's an article from April 2023, says that metrosexuality has gained popularity recently. Like sorry, Noah, but you're about 20 years too late to this party. But again, he goes on to list ten benefits of dating a metrosexual guy, and this is geared to women dating men.

Number one is grooming and personal hygiene. Metrosexual men take pride in their appearance, which means they often put time and effort into and have excellent grooming, dress well and maintain their personal hygiene. Number two fashion sense. Metrosexual men are known for their impeccable fashion, sense and style, which can be appealing and attractive to some partners, so you can expect to have a well-dressed partner. Number three attention to detail. Metrosexual men pay attention to the details, which means they're likely to remember the little things that matter to their partner. Number four confidence. A metrosexual man exudes confidence. He is secure in his masculinity and doesn't feel threatened by nontraditional gender roles or expressions. This can be a huge turn on for their partner. Number five open mindedness. A metrosexual man is often open to trying new things. Whether it be new cuisines or activities. He's likely to be interested in exploring fashion, cuisine, culture and experiences beyond his comfort zone.

Number six, emotional intelligence. Metrosexual men are often in touch with their emotions and have high levels of emotional intelligence, making them excellent communicators and partners. They may be attentive to their partner's needs and feelings. Number seven, independence. A metrosexual man is often self-sufficient and can take care of themselves, which can be a relief for their partner. Number eight social skills. Metrosexual men are often outgoing and have excellent social skills, making them great at networking and socializing. Number nine, he's respectful. By valuing self-care and grooming, a metrosexual man will likely have greater respect for himself and those around him. This can translate to a partner who feels respected and valued. And number ten, self-care. Metrosexual men prioritize self-care such as meditation, yoga or therapy to maintain physical and emotional wellbeing. In this way, they are likely to encourage their partner to prioritize their self-care as well.

I also laughed because the MedicineNet.com article raises the important question: Are metrosexuals accepted in society? And plot twist, they are. But in all seriousness, I think it's important to note that the article does state that men are increasingly exposed to pictures that tell them you don't look good enough, just as women have been for many years, and it appears that guys are now subject to the same beauty standards as women.

Metrosexuality’s Decline (15:16)

Now, going back to the metrosexuality trend of the early aughts. It began to be dismissed as passe almost as soon as it entered mainstream consciousness. In 2004, Simpson himself bemoaned the general public's failure to recognize the double-edged critique of classism and heteronormativity implicit in his original explication of the phenomenon. And by 2006, a number of journalists and cultural commentators were declaring an end to the era of the metrosexual and heralding the welcomed return of a rougher, less refined ideal of upper middle class heterosexual men.

Now for me personally, this quote unquote, gay aesthetic associated with metrosexuality that was previously referenced confused me. I mean, I was in elementary school during the peak popularity of metrosexuality, but in high school, I noticed how certain aesthetics were stereotyped as being gay. You know, if kids thought you looked geeky or scruffy or ugly, they'd make fun of you. But if you tried to dress nice and groom properly to look like the hot guys you saw on TV and on magazines, then you were gay. And I remember hearing things like guys who go to the gym or guys who wear V necks are gay, and I do both those things.

But there was even one time my senior year of high school where it was using proactive, and my dad walked in while I was washing my face with it. And he was like, "Oh, do other guys use that?" And I straight up responded, "I don't know, but I do," which was bold for me because back then, as a teenager, I didn't have a ton of confidence. And in fact, I still don't. So, I just never understood how trying to look good was associated with the gay aesthetic.

Critiques of Metrosexuality (16:47)

And in the years since the metrosexuality trend, it's received scrutiny. In a 2018 New York Times article titled "Metrosexuals Were Just Straight Men Who Loved Self Care, Right?" author Alex Williams questioned if the idea of straight men adopting the quote unquote gay aesthetic for the primary purpose of attracting women was at some fundamental level homophobic, or if it was a step toward breaking down old rigid definitions of masculinity.

Back in 2003, actor Peter Paige, who played Emmet in Queer as Folk and identifies as a gay man, commented on the impact of metrosexuality in gay circles and how he was having a harder time than ever telling straight men from gay men. But he did clarify one significant difference between hitting on metrosexuals compared to their quote, unquote, less evolved predecessors. And here's his quote:

"Before, you used to get punched. Now it's all 'Gee, thanks. I'm straight, but I'm really flattered.'"

Still, Williams believes the idea of straight men mining gay iconography for style cues smacks of cultural appropriation.

Additionally, in a 2017 article published by Archer, which is an Australian publication about sexuality, gender and identity, Abdullah Hassan Erikat calls metrosexuality a toxic ongoing dilemma. He writes that it complicates rigid sexuality even further and that metrosexuals can only be accepted as such, if they have already established enough masculine behavior to balance some aesthetic effeminacy. Here's a quote:

"On the other hand, there's me and so many others who would be singled out as gay and too feminine if we decided to associate ourselves with metrosexuality. After all, we haven't accrued enough masculine credentials to do so."

He also asserts that metrosexuals pose a huge danger to the concept of homosexuality, sexual health and psychology because it is encapsulated by the heteropatriarchy. And the behavior of metrosexuals who straddle feminine and masculine do so by excluding, marginalizing and pleasing others who don't have the same social and sexual masculinity credentials.

So essentially, he's saying metrosexuals, the straight men who are appropriating the quote unquote gay aesthetic, can only get away with it if they give off enough masculine vibes. Because, for many of us who didn't come off as being masculine enough for our peers, we were bullied for being gay if we cared about grooming ourselves and dressing fashionably.

And like I said earlier, I never understood why people associated caring about your image, or practicing good hygiene were qualities of being gay. But in addition to that, another frustration I have with the concept of metrosexuality is it's not an actual sexuality. It was a trendy cultural observation. And I feel like the commodity of metrosexuality takes away from society's understanding of actual human sexuality.

And there's a ton of online forums where people in the LGBTQ+ community debate this. And I really liked this one response I found from Quora user Tommy Pengelly:

"I've always seen it less as an identity and more as a social phenomena. And for me, there's an irony to me that makes me giggle. Same with manbag and guyliner. You're trying to keep the masculinity intact, but the process of doing that takes the masculinity away. However, unless they want sex with me, they can stay far, far away. I get tired of queer people who I can't be intimate with. Why would I want to waste time with the straight guy trying to get some LGBTQ+ street cred?"

Episode Closing (20:11)

And in closing, I do think that in recent years, society has redefined what quote unquote masculinity means here in the United States, meaning you can work out, you can dress nice, you can take care of yourself, and your sexuality isn't necessarily questioned. I mean, I know a lot of straight men who check those boxes, and they don't label themselves as metrosexual or try to appropriate some gay aesthetic. They're just themselves. So, while I believe that the metrosexual trend has problematic roots, I do hope that maybe some good came out of it, and that it could be a starting point to having a more inclusive concept of masculinity.

And tying it back to the tarot, Two of Swords, it's telling us that, again, we might be at a crossroads trying to make a decision. So, we have those swords crossed over our chest, representing our choices in perfect balance. While it might be a little different from the card's, traditional meaning, I do think that in regards to this episode, this card is a reminder of keeping everything in balance. You know, there's definitely preconceived notions that society places on you, you know, what they expect you to be as a traditional man. But then, when you come out as gay, you're not considered a "traditional" man. So then, in the gay community, there might be other perceptions of how you should present as a gay man. So, it could really feel conflicting, and you're trying to figure out your own identity while these two different aspects are also trying to define your identity for you.

So, I think really, the lesson for this episode is just keep those swords crossed over your chest, keep everything in balance, to really remain your authentic self. You know, there's no one way to be gay, just like there's no one way to be straight. So, we want to keep ourselves in balance to make sure that we're really taking on the identity we want, that aligns with who we want to be in the long term. And also, always trust your intuition. You know what's best for you. So really believe in yourself that you have the ability to make the right decisions for yourself. One, as it regards to your identity, but two, for any other decisions or crossroads you may reach in life.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (21:57)

So, as always, thank you so much for listening. I'd really be interested to hear what your opinions of the metrosexuality trend are. Do you think it's problematic? Do you think it was helpful in kind of pushing forward conversations about redefining masculinity? Really curious to know. So please feel free to email me your feedback, rob@ajadedgay.com.

Also, I'm hoping to start reading some emails at the start of episodes. So, like any questions you have, whether it's about the podcast, me, if you want advice or anything, feel free to send that my way. I'd love to start engaging more with all the listeners out there.

Don't forget to check out the website, ajadedgay.com, for more information on episodes, resources, guests, merchandise, all that fun stuff. You can follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram, @rob_loveless.

Also, if you're feeling generous, please consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That's @ajadedgaypod. $1 a month, you get instant access to ad-free episodes a day early and exclusive monthly bonus episodes. At the $3 and $5 tiers, you also get some additional goodies like t-shirts and a shout out on air from yours truly, really fun. So, I appreciate the support there. If you're not ready for that kind of commitment, I totally get it. You can also do a one-time donation for the podcast on Buy Me a Coffee, @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness. Mmm-bye.

Outtake (23:49) 

And in the tradition. And in the tradition, excuse me, and your traditional depiction blah blah blah. Oh my God. Blah blah blah let's let's get going here. In the - oh God. In the traditional depiction of the Two of Swords...