70. Good Grief: How to Cope with Loss

Snarky Opener (0:00)

What are my five stages of grief?

Denial, denial, denial, cry myself to sleep, and wallow in pity.

Rinse, lather, repeat, baby.

Episode Introduction (0:27)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a Jaded gay just because I've been going through it. I've been feeling super overwhelmed and busy. I've been spreading myself a little too thin.

I'm a little bit behind on some things I've been wanting to work on personally, so I've been playing catch up.

And just with everything going on, it seems like a lot coming at me at once, and really just kind of a little stressed. So, I'm trying to take some time to relax.

But as you all know, that's a very difficult thing for me to do. But alas, here I am.

Grief (0:56)

And something that I'm sure is going to help me relax is talking to you today about grief.

Now a lot of us know that this is typically tied to loss, but I think grief is one of those words that gets tossed around sometimes without us fully understanding what it actually means.

And beyond just its meaning, I don't think many of us know how to process grief. You know, for myself, in the past, when I was feeling grief, I just assumed that I needed time to pass by so I could get over it.

And so, I threw myself into things that would keep me busy, you know, spend all my free time with friends because I didn't want to be alone.

But then months later, I'd be like, okay, all this time has passed and I'm still sad, but why? So, we're going to talk about how we can better understand grief and process our feelings.

But first, you know the drill, let's pull that tarot card.

Tarot (1:45)

So, we drew the Five of Pentacles. And I really like the suit of Pentacles. This is a Minor Arcana card, so it's indicating we need to do some work in our day-to-day lives.

And Pentacles is tied to the element of earth. It's nurturing, feminine energy, so it's reflective and meditative in nature. And to me, Pentacles is really tied to that grounding, stabilizing energy.

It literally represents financial prosperity, but I like to think of it more as emotional prosperity. And you can think of phrases like the fruits of our labor and reaping the rewards of our hard work.

However, in numerology, five tends to be the conflict number. It's representative of change, instability, challenges, difficulties, and loss, which is very on-brand for grief.

Now, when we pull this card, it's telling us we may be focusing on what we feel we're lacking in life, or we might feel depleted.

You know, we might be harboring some feelings of lack or loss which cause us to feel scarcity.

Like if we lose our job, we might fear how we're going to pay for necessities, or if we're going through a breakup, we may fear that we'll never be loved again.

But when we pay too much attention to these fears, we lose sight of what we have in our lives. And as a result, our egos may be bruised, and we may even lose sight of our self-worth.

And that's scary because when we lose sight of that, we lose sight of what we need. But since this is a Minor Arcana card, we need to remember that the sense of loss is temporary.

And as cliche as it may sound, this too shall pass, but in the interim, we really need to carve out time to enjoy the good things we have in life. So maybe that's relying on your support system or chosen family.

And that's easier said than done, because maybe we're thinking, well, these people should know what I need from them.

And so, then we wait on them to come around and support us, but when they don't, we may feel resentful of them, which will only leave us feeling more isolated.

You know, people can't read our minds, so we need to swallow our pride and be proactive in reaching out to our loved ones and asking them for help.

And we especially need to always remember our self-worth, since that can lift us out of any period of loss and get us back on track for what we hope to achieve.

And with that in mind, cue grief.

What is Grief? (3:44)

So, let's kick it off with a vocabulary lesson. According to Oxford Languages, grief is deep sorrow that is the result of loss. And traditionally, grief has been associated with the loss of someone who has died.

According to the American Psychological Association, grief often includes physiological distress, separation, anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.

Meanwhile, the Cleveland Clinic suggests that grief is the experience of coping with loss.

And the Mayo Clinic classifies grief as a strong, overwhelming emotion that can cause people to feel numb and removed from daily life, unable to carry on with regular duties while saddled with their sense of loss.

And I'm going to read a quick excerpt here:

“Grief is the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience. Individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss.”

So, with all that in mind, you kind of understand this bleak umbrella meaning of grief. And while there are some variations, I think it's safe to say it's the sadness associated with loss.

Types of Grief (4:47)

But with that being said, there are actually six distinct types of grief.

The first is anticipatory grief.

And this is when you begin grieving before the actual loss. And an example of this is when you begin grieving when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness before you actually lose that person.

Now processing grief beforehand can help prepare you to face loss when the time comes, but it can also distract you from enjoying the remaining time you have.

Next is abbreviated grief.

You know, sometimes you can grieve a loss quickly because you've already done a lot of emotional work preparing for that loss. So, this can actually follow anticipatory grief.

And while you may be grieving for a shorter time, it doesn't make it any less intense or mean that you didn't care about what you lost.

Next is delayed grief.

Sometimes you won't feel grief immediately following a loss.

It can happen days, weeks, or even months later, and this can happen when the shock of your loss pauses your body's ability to work through these emotions.

Or you may have been so busy keeping yourself busy that your body hasn't had time to grieve.

And an example of this is when you've lost a loved one and are responsible for handling their funeral arrangements and will.

You know, you might be so focused on those pieces that your body doesn't have time to grieve. So, you might feel hit suddenly by all the emotions at once, once those things are settled.

Next is inhibited grief.

And this involves repressing our emotions, which isn't uncommon since many of us haven't been taught how to process the confusing emotions that accompany grief.

And we may not even realize we're doing this.

However, if we don't allow ourselves to pause and feel our emotions, our grief can show up as physical symptoms, like an upset stomach, insomnia, anxiety, or even a panic attack.

There's also cumulative grief.

And this is when you're grieving multiple losses at once, which can make that processing difficult and complex in unexpected ways.

You know, for example, sometimes when parents lose a child, the marriage ends after that. So, someone might be dealing with the loss of their child and their marriage.

And lastly, we have collective grief.

And this is when a group of people experience grief simultaneously.

So major events like wars, natural disasters, school shootings, and pandemics can create far-reaching losses that change what counts as quote-unquote normal life.

And I'm sure some of those types of grief may sound familiar to you, and maybe you've even experienced them yourself.

You know, for me personally, the anticipatory grief and cumulative grief really jumped out to me.

And I'm sure that all sounds really heavy. You know, truthfully, I was feeling a little sad just putting this episode together and reflecting on those types of grief in my own life.

Emotional Symptoms of Grief (7:10)

And unsurprisingly, grief affects every aspect of our being: mind, body, and spirit. And it can result in emotional and physical symptoms along with behavioral changes.

So emotionally speaking, people who are experiencing grief typically describe their emotions as coming in waves.

You might feel fine one minute, but then emotions wash over you, and you find yourself in tears.

And these emotions can range from sadness to anger to joy, and you can even feel detached from your emotions at times. And understandably, these emotions can be conflicting and confusing.

And here's a few examples of what that emotional turmoil can feel like from the Cleveland Clinic:

• Sadness that a loved one's gone, but relief that they're at peace
• Yearning for a spouse after a divorce, but also excitement that you get another shot at love
• Guilt for feeling grateful that you no longer have to provide exhausting around the clock care for a dying relative
• Competing feelings of apathy, anger, sadness, and regret as you grieve the loss of a friend or family member with whom you had a strained or hostile relationship

Physical Symptoms of Grief (8:08)

Also, loss is an extreme stressor that can take a major physical toll on our bodies. Grief can overwork our nervous system, which can negatively impact our immune system.

And some physical symptoms of grief include:

• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Nausea
• Restlessness
• Upset stomach
• Heart palpitations
• Weak muscles or joint pain
• Tightness in your chest or throat
• Having reduced or increased appetite
• And trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

And with all that said, it's no surprise that these emotional and physical symptoms can also cause behavioral changes for us. So, we might feel confused or have trouble making decisions.

We might feel as though we've lost a sense of hope or direction, and as a result, we may have trouble focusing on anything other than our loss.

And because of that, we may have trouble keeping track of our responsibilities.

The Five Stages of Grief (8:54)

Now, while grief is unique for every person, the American Psychological Association says that grief typically lasts anywhere from six months to two years and that symptoms will gradually improve as time passes.

But while everyone's grief looks different and adheres to different timelines, there are five common stages people may go through as they process their grief.

Now you've probably heard people talk about those five stages of grief. So, a little background. In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist, published a book titled On Death and Dying.

This book was inspired by her work with over 200 people who had terminal illnesses. Through the conversation she had with them, Kubler-Ross identified five common stages people experienced as they grapple with the realities of impending death.

And this became a five-stage grief model, popularly referred to as DABDA, which I'll tell you more about in a minute.

Now, this grief model has received some criticism over the years because people mistakenly believe Kubler-Ross's model has to be followed in a specific order, which actually isn't the case.

She now notes that these five stages are not linear.

And people may not even experience all five stages. So, it's now more readily known that these five stages of grief are the most commonly observed in the grieving population.

Anyway, the five stages of grief, or DABDA, which is an acronym, consists of:

• Denial, having difficulty accepting the loss is real
• Anger, directing anger at multiple sources, or even no one in particular for not being able to prevent the loss
• Bargaining, imagining an agreement where you don't have to deal with the loss or regretting past actions that you imagine could have spared you from the loss
• Depression, and this includes emotional attachment
• And lastly, acceptance, embracing the reality of the loss, even if the pain is still there

So, let's break those down a little further.

Starting off with denial.

This stage can be accompanied by feelings of avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, and fear, but denial is actually the stage that can initially help you survive the loss.

It's kind of like your body's natural defense mechanism since denial aids in pacing your feelings of grief. It tells us, hey, there's only so much I can take right now.

So instead of being completely overwhelmed with our grief, we deny it and stagger its full impact on us. Often, loss can come quickly, which leaves us in a state of shock.

So, when you're in this stage, it's also common to wonder how life will go on. And you may even cling to a false sense of hope that the loss isn't happening.

For example, if you get broken up with you might think, oh, this is just a road bump, and my partner is going to come back and will want to work things out with me, even though that may not be the case.

So, you're living in a preferable reality as opposed to an actual reality.

And while this stage is our natural defense mechanism, it's also tough because we feel like life makes no sense, has no meaning, and is too overwhelming.

So, moving on to the next stage, we have anger.

And once the actual reality of the situation starts to settle in, that's when you might start feeling angry. Additionally, you may feel frustrated, irritated, and anxious.

And, you know, we might wonder why this loss is happening to us, and feel like life is unfair.

We may even look elsewhere to blame something else for the cause of our grief or redirect anger to our close friends and family.

And obviously, we want to keep it in check to a degree, so that we're not lashing out at others, but anger is a necessary stage of grief, and it's important to encourage ourselves to truly feel that anger instead of suppressing it.

In fact, anger is the strength that binds us to reality. When we experience a grief event, we might feel disconnected from reality and that we have nothing grounding us anymore.

We may feel deserted, abandoned, or alone, but the direction of anger towards someone or something is what can actually bridge us back to reality and connect us to people again.

Essentially, it's something to grasp onto and is a normal part of the healing process. But again, it's important that we don't let the anger control us.

Next is the bargaining stage.

Which is when we may struggle to find meaning in the situation. And in a way, this stage is false hope. We may believe that we can avoid grief through some kind of negotiation.

And Psycom provides an example of this, where someone is praying to God, saying, “If you heal my husband, I’ll be the best partner I can ever be and never complain again.”

Basically, you're so desperate to get your life back to normal that you're willing to make a major life change or sacrifice to find some return to normalcy.

And it's normal to feel a lot of guilt associated with bargaining. And this stage is when a lot of the what-ifs start to come up.

You know, what if I didn't say that? What if I did this instead? What if this hadn't happened?

Next, we have depression, which is pretty self-explanatory.

But during this stage, you may feel overwhelmed, helpless, and flighty.

And in this context, depression is a reaction to the emptiness we feel when we're finally living in that reality and realize the person or situation is gone forever.

So, we might withdraw from social situations and feel numb or like we're living in a fog.

And everything may seem overwhelming, and we may feel hopeless and wonder, what's the point of going on, since we've lost something that meant so much to us?

And then lastly, there's acceptance.

And this is when you begin exploring new options, putting a new plan in place, and start moving on.

Now this doesn't mean that it's okay that you've experienced loss, but rather that you're going to be okay in spite of your loss.

During this stage, your emotions may begin to stabilize, and you re-enter reality. You come to terms with your new reality and begin to readjust to your new sense of normalcy.

Now, it doesn't mean that your grief has totally lifted.

You'll have good days where you feel fine, and then bad days where you may cry uncontrollably, but the good days will begin to outnumber the bad ones.

And you start to engage with your social circle again, and while you realize your loss can never be replaced, you do move, grow, and evolve into your new reality.

Now, while it's laid out in those five steps, which seem to kind of flow from one into the other, remember that this grief model does not have to be linear, and you don't have to experience all those stages of grief.

But if you think back to the times of loss in your life, whether it was the loss of a loved one or a breakup, I'm sure some of those stages of grief resonate with you.

My Experiences with Grief (14:48)

I mean, for me personally, I went through quite a bit of grief with my move to Philly, even beforehand.

And I didn't really realize that until I was doing research for this episode because truthfully, I didn't really know what it meant to grieve.

And I realized too, that for the months after my move, and I'm sure some of this is still ongoing for me now, but I was dealing with cumulative grief.

You know, the past seven years, I was working to build a life in Pittsburgh, only to move somewhere new and start over from scratch.

Like I had worked my ass off at a job which I thought had potential for me only to be taken advantage of, and realized that no matter what I did, I was never going to get ahead there.

And I had bought my house in 2018 and made it a home for myself over the years, thinking that was going to be the place I lived forever.

I had friendships and people I cared about there too, that I had forged relationships with since college and beyond.

And while I wasn't the happiest in Pittsburgh and wanted more, that life was still familiar to me.

But then, once I moved to Philly, I started a new job where, once again, I was at the bottom of the food chain. I moved into a smaller apartment in an unfamiliar place. I didn't have many friends out here.

I was entering a new financial situation, and I said goodbye to a lot of people in Pittsburgh who were my support system, so I didn't have them to lean on in this weird situation I was in this new place.

And so, all of that really just compounded just shy of 30 that I was starting over in pretty much every aspect of my life.

And again, while I wasn't the happiest in Pittsburgh, it felt like I lost a lot in one fell swoop, like ripped the band-aid off. And so, I was grieving that.

And it was this very confusing thing because I wanted to be in Philly, but nothing seemed right out here when I first moved. And I wasn't always the best at allowing myself to grieve.

In fact, during one of my therapy sessions, I just broke down crying in the middle of my sentence, and my therapist was like, you're still grieving things from over a year ago because you haven't given yourself the time to grieve.

And that was kind of a wake-up call for me.

Cope with Grief (16:33)

So, with that being said, how can we allow ourselves to grieve as we're navigating our way through these different stages of grief? Well, shocker, but it starts with taking care of ourselves.

And the best way to do that is by practicing self-care, which we've talked about in quite a few episodes now. And it's also important to stick to a routine.

You know, grief has a tendency to disrupt our sense of normalcy, which can cause our emotions to spiral.

So, by maintaining our routine, it helps us regain a sense of control, which can help us regulate our emotions. But also, don't distract yourself from those emotions.

Let yourself cry or be angry when you feel it, instead of trying to rationalize them. And sometimes it can be difficult to feel our emotions if we don't have someone to talk to.

So, one thing I've been doing is when I feel like I have too many emotions or like my mind is racing, I write my feelings down in a journal.

You know, it helps me get them out and kind of put words to them so I can understand what I'm feeling, and then that kind of helps me feel and process them.

And unsurprisingly, it's probably a good idea to talk to a counselor to help you process your grief.

Like literally, in the past two months, I have cried more to my therapist than I have in the past eight years of therapy.

And that feels uncomfortable, but it's also therapeutic to get those emotions out and then process them in a safe space. And don't forget to reach out to your support system.

It's okay to have some alone time, to allow yourself to grieve, but don't isolate yourself.

Remind yourself that just because you're grieving a loss, not everything has changed in your life and that there are still people in your life who love you.

And on the flip side, make sure you're being supportive, if you're helping a friend or loved one move on through their own grief. Be present and ask them what they need.

Offer to help, since some people may have trouble asking for help when they need it. Let them know that you're open to talking when they're ready to and don't minimize someone's loss.

You know, when I was in the process of moving to Philly, I was understandably very stressed.

You know, I was packing, coordinating movers, working with a property manager to rent out my house in Pittsburgh, getting prepared for a new job, saying goodbye to people I really cared about, working on my finances to pay for my move, was getting ready to move into a totally unfamiliar place.

There was a lot up in the air. And I was saying all of this to one of my friends, and they responded with, yeah, but you wanted to move to Philly.

And then they changed the conversation to something that had happened to them that day. And you know, they're right. Yes, I did want to move to Philly, and I am happy to be there.

But getting to Philly didn't just fix everything overnight for me. And it doesn't ease your emotions or diminish your sense of loss.

So, while you may not understand someone else's grief or emotions, don't diminish what they're going through.

You know, sometimes it's more valuable to just listen to what someone has to say and reply with, I'm so sorry you're going through this, or I'm here for you, instead of trying to offer some advice or your own opinion on the matter.

Episode Closing (19:08)

So, there you have it. There's some info for you on grief. And I know this is a heavy topic, but I think it's important to understand how grief works as we continue to work on our emotional well-being.

And again, grief is unique for everyone, so there's not a one-size-fits-all timeline or cycle of how you cope with loss in your life.

And like the tarot tells us, when we're going through grief, when we have that sense of loss, it's really easy to focus on what we're lacking and fearing that we're never going to get out of this situation.

We'll always be alone. We'll always be sad, whatever it may be. But when we do that, we can actually lose our sense of self and our self-worth. So, we really need to pay attention to what we need.

You know, we may not always have those people being as proactive as we need them to be, and asking what we need.

So, part of growing up and maturing is realizing when we need help and knowing how to ask for it. And we really need to value ourselves.

We need to value the work we've put in and what we're going through.

We need to be kind and understanding to ourselves when we're going through a tough time, allowing us to feel those emotions, so that way we can really treat ourselves the way we should be treated, and really develop that sense of self-worth.

Because, remember, having that sense of self-worth is what can help lift us out of any sense of loss and put us back on track to achieve what we want to.

And spoiler alert, next week is going to be another heavy episode, because it's going to be a follow-up to grief.

There's a little bit more to this topic, specifically about complicated grief that can be prolonged, and as LGBTQ+ people, we face stigmatization and adversity that has at times diminished our grief because society hasn't always considered our loss worthy of grief.

So again, heavy topic next week, but definitely an important one to discuss. So, stay tuned for that. And as always, thank you for listening.

Butt Plugs (20:40)

Quickly, though, before we go shameless butt plug at the end here. Actually, two things. One is, I meant to announce this like four episodes ago but never did.

The podcast actually has a website now, so check it out ajadedgay.com. Basically, all the information you can want there, has all the episodes, has some information about guests.

You can send emails directly through there, leave reviews. It also links to some of our social channels, also links to the merchandise.

And that is butt plug number two, we have new summer merch.

And I know it's like mid to late August now that this is coming out, so summer's kind of drifting towards the end, but hold on to that sense of summer. Make it last a little bit longer. New merch here.

We have some fun stuff. Have a wine tumbler, flip flops, fanny pack, water bottles, other drinking wear. There's coffee mugs, beer pint mugs, phone cases, so some really cute stuff there.

Check it out. You know, I love the support.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (21:26)

Also, if you don't go on the website and just want to contact me directly, always reach out. You can let me know what you think about the episode or any other questions rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can follow the podcast on Instagram. TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. Get access to episodes a day early, ad-free. There's some free goodies in there depending on the tier that you join.

You could get a free T-shirt, great stuff. Really appreciate the support. Again, that's Patreon @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (22:29)

The American Psychological Association says that grief typically lasts...