68. Don't Conflate Infatuation with Love

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Honestly, why would I want that feeling of butterflies in my stomach?

Insects are a nuisance, and I do not have the money to hire an exterminator.

Episode Introduction (0:27)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a non-jaded gay because it is pouring here in Philadelphia.

Such a cloudy, rainy day, which I know might sound kind of the opposite of not being jaded, but I love a rainy day. I think it's so cozy.

After I'm done here, I'm hopefully going to just be lazy all day, watch movies. Realistically, probably won't happen because I have a million things on my mind and I can't sit still.

But I like the idea of a rainy day of it being quiet and relaxing and cozy. So, we'll see.

Infatuation (0:55)

Anyway, getting into the topic. You know, a lot of people talk about those butterflies you sometimes get in your stomach when you like someone.

And I think a lot of us might equate needing to feel that to know you like someone. But for me, those butterflies aren't a good thing because usually, spoiler alert, it's anxiety.

Like I've gotten butterflies in my stomach when I've gone out with someone who intimidates me, or maybe they're giving off red flags, but then I feel the butterflies and I'm like, oh, I must have feelings for them.

And we kind of talked about this a bit in the episode on emotional unavailability. You know, sometimes we tend to equate drama with intimacy or crave chaos, but conflate it with excitement.

And this might be because we're so physically attracted to someone that we're relying on our physical attraction to dictate whether we have an actual emotional connection with someone.

And it's important to remember that just because something is exciting doesn't make it real. So, in this episode, we're going to talk about the difference between infatuation and love.

But before we get into it, you know the drill, let's pull that tarot card.

Tarot (1:55)

Ooh. Okay, so we have a jumper for this episode. When I was shuffling, this card fell out from the deck. So maybe it was the universe giving us this card, or maybe I'm just a sloppy shuffler.

Either way, the card for this episode is the Seven of Wands. And Wands, as you know, it's tied to the element of fire.

It's masculine energy, which means it's action-oriented, and that fiery wand energy is representative of passion, creativity, and sexuality.

And in numerology, seven is kind of this magical, transformative number. It's typically tied to strategy, planning, and taking inspired action.

So, the Seven of Wands typically deals with unforeseen challenges, which requires us to be assertive and strategic rather than acting defensively.

And specifically, as it ties to romantic relationships and conflict resolution, we really need to speak up for our needs, but also be willing to hear out our partners' needs.

And while it can be scary to deal with relationship challenges, we shouldn't be afraid to meet these challenges head-on, since they can be overcome and ultimately will make the relationship stronger.

But we also need to make sure we're clearly articulating our boundaries and intentions with our partner.

What is Infatuation? (2:57)

So, with that in mind, let's kick off the episode by asking, what is infatuation? Well, there's a few interesting definitions for it.

Oxford Languages defines it as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.

According to Merriam-Webster, it's a feeling of foolish or obsessive admiration for someone or something. And it's a strong and unreasonable attachment.

Meanwhile, the Cambridge Dictionary says infatuation is strong but not usually lasting feelings of attraction.

Additionally, a 2022 Psych Central article titled Infatuation Versus Love: How Different Are They? explains that infatuation is the feeling of being swept off your feet or head over heels for someone new, despite not knowing them very well.

And many may refer to this as love at first sight. You know, it feels intense, passionate, and beyond reason, but really, infatuation is simply a deep sense of connection that's mainly based on the idealization of someone.

And that's dangerous because infatuation can cause us to ignore relationship red flags and fantasize about the perfect life with someone we just met.

And this is something I'm guilty of, especially when I was younger. I mean, I was 21 when I first started dating men, and I really had never dated anyone before I came out.

So, at 21 suddenly people are noticing me and asking me out and complimenting me. And I'd get swept up in that right off the bat and would start thinking, oh, maybe this is a person for me.

And I think that's normal to think about at some points of a relationship, but I'm talking about, like, after the first date.

Like, I would grab a drink with someone, and then go home and then go home and start wondering, okay, where is this going to go? I think they're really cute. When am I going to see them again?

And my mind would be racing about them, which is obviously not good because one, this person is still a stranger to me, and I'm liking the idea of them versus them as an actual person.

But two, that's idealization and idolization, which isn't a healthy foundation for a relationship.

How Long Does Infatuation Last? (4:39)

In fact, long-term commitments don't usually survive on infatuation alone, but you may experience infatuation for years depending on the circumstances.

Dr. Joann Mundin, a board-certified psychiatrist from Sacramento, says that infatuation lasts for between 18 months and three years, and unless a long-distance relationship is involved or an extremely insecure individual is fascinated, infatuation rarely lasts longer.

And there we have it. Extremely insecure individual, which explains why I've gotten swept up in infatuation in the past.

But in all seriousness, we might become infatuated with someone because we're physically attracted to them, because dating someone new is exciting, or because we love to fall in love.

But ultimately, it's because of the chemical reaction in our brains. Here's an excerpt from LoveToKnow:

“You might actually feel high and euphoric when you're infatuated with someone. In your brain, the dopamine center is rewarded when you see or think about your love interest. Then your brain gets flooded with dopamine. This pleasure response feels so good that it's easy to mistake infatuation with a real connection. Many relationships are built on this pleasure and reward reaction, which can basically self-destruct when the two of you realize this is what holds you together.”

Examples of Infatuation (5:43)

So, what exactly does infatuation look like? Well, here are a few signs, which will probably sound familiar:

• You're constantly thinking about this person
• You haven't had that many real interactions or deep conversations with each other yet, yet you already have strong feelings for them
• You feel like this person is basically perfect, or the quote-unquote ideal partner
• You feel like this person is a perfect match for you. You feel vaguely obsessed with this person
• You're very physically attracted to them, and it can sometimes distract you from exploring other facets of this person
• You don't know them that well on an actual personal level
• Most of what you know about them is surface level, based on appearance, or based on their behavior in a group setting
• Most of what you know about this person is the same stuff that any acquaintance might know about them
• Most of what you know about this person is from hearsay or social media, not from actual conversations or experiences you've had with each other
• You fantasize about this person despite not knowing them on a personal level
• You feel a little disappointed when they don't meet your expectations, or you shrug it off as just a fluke
• You ignore early signs of incompatibility that go against your fantasy
• You're very concerned about impressing this person and having them see you in a positive light
• You're overjoyed by the idea of quote-unquote having this person or being quote-unquote chosen by them
• You're forming strong feelings for them very quickly, almost as if you knew instantly
• And lastly, everything is moving super quickly, and you're hitting or wanting to hit relationship milestones as fast as possible

Now, if you're like me, hearing that list may be confusing because, for a long time, I thought those were signs of liking someone.

And it can be a normal part of the early stages of getting to know someone or of a new relationship.

Infatuation vs. Love (7:16)

Infatuation can also be present in the process of falling in love and, in healthy amounts, it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be unhealthy in extremes.

In fact, a 2022, Glam article writes that infatuation leans more toward control and jealousy, a need for that person, as opposed to a loving desire for them and wanting the best for them.

Additionally, Grace Suh, a licensed mental health counselor, says infatuation is self-serving because you feel good fantasizing about the person, but the reality is that this person who you think is perfect is probably not perfect.

And this brings us to establishing the core difference between infatuation and love. Going back to the Psych Central article, infatuation is usually based off assumptions, while love is based off of reality.

And there's four core pillars supporting this difference:

Number one is perfection versus individuality.

When we're infatuated with someone, we might see someone as flawless or ideal despite evidence of differences.

So, we might put a positive spin on undesirable characteristics instead of accepting them. And in extreme circumstances, infatuation can lure us into abusive relationships because it's blinding us to red flags.

Meanwhile, love has identified and acknowledged differences as individuality, accepting the partner as a whole.

Next is craving versus satisfaction.

When we're infatuated with someone, we might experience feelings similar to a high, like heightened arousal, excessive laughter, anticipation, and longing.

And these sound like the butterflies I'm used to. But if we're not mitigating these feelings, we can end up putting ourselves in situations that may not be safe for us.

You know, maybe we rush into being intimate with someone before we feel that real emotional connection with them.

Or maybe we're not getting enough sleep because we're staying out all night with our crush because we want to spend as much time with them as possible.

Now, love also involves feelings of excitement, but it allows us to feel a calmer sense of excitement that brings contentment.

So, when it's love, it's free of constant craving for that other person or the anxiety that it may cause you, resulting from the uncertainty of their feelings.

The third pillar is assumptions versus intimacy.

When we're infatuated with someone, we typically only know the superficial things about that person. We don't know all the nitty gritty details.

In fact, my counselor in Pittsburgh once told me that it takes months to really get to start seeing that true person you're dating. On the other hand, love is based on a real sense of intimacy.

This includes knowing things about your partner other people aren't privy to witnessing vulnerability and emotional need and being trusted with potentially hurtful information.

And lastly is planning the future versus future planning.

When we experience infatuation, we tend to fantasize about the ideal future we could have with the other person.

So, you might think of dream vacations, having a family, or achievements you'll receive.

And while those might be things you plan with a partner in the early stages of infatuation, you're ultimately fantasizing about these things without input from the other person.

So maybe you're thinking about your future with the person you're dating, you know, the house with the white picket fence, two kids, and a dog, but you don't even know if the person you're dating wants kids.

And this type of infatuation can even lead us to believe the other person is in love with you without this being the case.

Not that they can't love you, but you're building up this ideology way too early on without truly knowing the other person. And unsurprisingly, this sets us up for major disappointment.

Strengthen Your Relationship (10:28)

Now, again, while being infatuated is normal at the beginning, which is sometimes referred to as the honeymoon phase, it's important to know the difference between infatuation and love so that you don't get yourself swept up in it too soon.

And while infatuation isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's important to know if you really like someone despite their imperfections, or if you're just crushing on the superficial aspects.

And there are some things you can do to strengthen your relationship, to move it from the honeymoon phase to a real emotionally intimate bond:

• Number one, give your relationship some time and know that nothing happens overnight
• Number two, healthy communication is a huge part of a successful relationship, along with the ability to compromise
• And number three, make sure there is a reciprocal sense of commitment to the relationship, which is what will create the attachment needed to fall in love

How to Avoid Infatuation (11:13)

But for those of us, myself included, who may find it harder to not become infatuated in the early dating stages and tend to fall head over heels, here are some ways to overcome those intense feelings:

For starters, let's get in touch with reality.

We have to accept that no one is perfect and that everyone has flaws.

So, while this may sound kind of negative, make a list of some of those undesirable qualities in the other person to ground you in reality.

And this isn't meant to pick them apart, but it humanizes them and may help you realize if these are things you can see past, or if they are red flags that your infatuation may have blinded you to.

Also, look at your dating patterns and see if you have a tendency to become infatuated.

And I'm guilty as charged. If you realize that obsession is a common occurrence in your dating patterns, try journaling to organize your thoughts and better understand your patterns.

Also, when your feelings get overwhelming, remind yourself that this obsessing is something you have a tendency to do.

And give this situation some time.

Look back at other moments in your life when you were obsessed or infatuated with someone and ask yourself how you feel about that person today.

I remember in one situation where I was really infatuated with someone, he broke up with me, and I was gutted, and I thought I was always going to feel sad.

But years later, I look back and feel foolish for how I was in that dating scenario and how I accepted certain things that hurt me before the breakup occurred.

And I've fallen for people since then, and I've been hurt by some people since then, but in all those situations, I've never once thought, oh, if only things worked out with blank, then this wouldn't have happened, or he was the one who got away, or anything like that.

I believe in onwards and upwards.

*I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.*

Now, once we've grounded ourselves, let's refocus our thoughts.

Try thinking about someone else. Now you might think, well, maybe I should try to make myself stop thinking about the person I'm infatuated with.

But surprisingly, that can actually make you think about them even more. So instead, try to focus on a family member or friend, someone you're genuinely connected to.

Also, keep yourself busy with engaging activities.

Now this is a fine line because you don't want to keep yourself so busy that you're trying to distract yourself from your emotions, but keep your mind engaged by reading or going for a walk, or call a friend on the phone.

Just do something that creates positive feelings for you.

And lastly, if you really feel this sense of infatuation is tough to shake, consider talking to a therapist. Maybe you have an insecure attachment style, or maybe there's some kind of underlying issue.

Regardless, getting professional help and support is really important, not only to help you navigate whatever the current situation is that you're going through but to ensure you have a healthy foundation for the future.

And of course, talk to your loved ones about what you're going through.

How to Be Emotionally Available (13:45)

And ultimately, it's important to make sure we're emotionally available and not equating drama with intimacy or confusing that chaos with excitement.

And if you didn't listen to that episode from January, I highly recommend you do so. But as a recap, ChoosingTherapy.com cites the following as ways we can become more emotionally available:

Get mindful of your emotional experience.

Noticing what you're feeling, allowing emotions to show up, and accepting their presence without judgment are important steps in becoming emotionally available.

If needed, look up feelings-related words online, or do some personal exploration around what certain emotions feel like for you. Identify the causes of emotional unavailability.

While it's not always possible to know the exact causes of emotional unavailability, it's helpful if you can identify them as this allows for self-validation, processing, and reflection, which can make you more emotionally available down the line.

Practice opening up.

Once you're able to identify what you're feeling, try sharing this with others to demonstrate to yourself that opening up isn't necessarily dangerous. You can practice this gradually.

Start by sharing wanted or positive emotions and work up to the heavier, less desirable ones. Or perhaps share with a trusted family member before moving on to sharing with your partner.

Talk to trusted people about emotions.

Having conversations with trusted people about emotions may also help increase emotional availability as it makes talking about emotions more comfortable.

This may also allow you to hear how others express their emotions, so you have a template going forward.

And lastly, take it slow.

Taking relationships slowly is often the better alternative to abandoning them completely for people who are emotionally unavailable and have the urge to withdraw.

Going slowly allows for the gradual learning that emotional vulnerability and intimacy are safe and can continue to be practiced.

Episode Closing (15:27)

And turning it back to the Tarot, Seven of Wands, it's really reminding us that, you know, relationship challenges are going to come up, but we can't be afraid of them.

We can't just turn away and abandon them if we want to be emotionally healthy and find an emotionally fulfilling, healthy relationship. It's really scary.

Confrontation can be scary, asking for things we want can be scary, telling a partner things that they're doing that hurt us or bother us can be scary.

But if we approach that in a healthy way, then we can really kind of overcome that and make sure we're building a secure foundation for ourselves going forward.

Again, we really need to approach this in a strategic way.

Nothing good will come from acting emotionally or reactively to a situation because we'll often say things that we regret, and we won't be able to form our feelings in the right way.

So instead, really think through how you're feeling and how you can communicate those things.

And again, I know it's scary because there's always that fear of, well, if I bring this up, I might lose that person, but odds are, if we're losing them, they're not interested in us for the right reason, or we're not actually a compatible match.

So, it's better to find that out earlier on and have those conversations about what's bothering us and risk losing that person, as opposed to holding it back and trying to build a whole life with someone and years later bringing these things up and finding out that they're not actually receptive to our wants and needs.

And again, just as it's important for us to bring that up for ourselves, we also need to make sure we're hearing out our partner and addressing their wants and needs as well.

So really, we need to focus on the communication and take that inspired action to speak up for ourselves and also hear out our partners.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (16:48)

So as always, thank you for listening to this episode.

I hope you found it helpful. I know going through this, there were some things that really jumped out to me that I need to work on for myself to avoid unnecessarily high infatuation going forward.

But let me know your thoughts. Feel free to send me an email rob@ajadedgay.com. Please also remember to rate, review, and subscribe. I really appreciate that.

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And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (18:10)

You might actually feel high and euphoric when you're infatuated with some...oh, look at me. I'm not even infatuated and I'm getting tongue-tied.