56. LGBTQ+ Alcoholism

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, his idea of taking me on a date was inviting me out to the gay bar so he could ignore me, get drunk with strangers, and flirt with other guys in front of me. Seriously?

Episode Introduction (0:28)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a jaded gay because I had a little oopsy moment this morning.

I woke up at six in the morning. Was shuffling out of bed, opened my bedroom door, and because I was tired and groggy, misjudged the distance and opened the door into my head.

And I legit have a bump on my head, and cut it open a little bit. I mean, nothing major, but definitely have a little cut there and just, I mean, talk about an abrupt wake-up.

It was a rude awakening, to say the least. And I'm also a little disappointed in myself for making that mistake. But what are you gonna do?

LGBTQ+ Alcoholism (1:03) 

Anyway, here's another rude awakening. Today's episode is definitely going to be a heavier topic because we are going to be talking about addiction, specifically drinking problems.

And this is a tough one for me to talk about because personally, I'm not a big drinker. I don't go out much, and when I do drink, have like, a drink or two, usually.

I really don't like getting drunk. It makes me feel out of control, which makes me anxious. And even when I was younger, I never really liked drinking.

But for some reason, that being said, I ended up dating a few guys who had unhealthy relationships with alcohol.

And seeing how they behaved drunk really made me uncomfortable and, because of that, I've had a heightened sense of awareness when it comes to others' drinking habits.

And it's something I still deal with years later, even when I've dated people who don't appear to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

So, we're going to talk about that and look at how drinking problems affect the gay community. So super fun topic today.

But before we dive into that, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (2:02) 

So, today's card is a Major Arcana card. We pulled The Star, which is number 17. So, this is a pretty big card we're getting here, signifying some major changes in our life.

And in this card, we see a woman bent over a pond, and she has one foot on the water and one foot on the earth.

And that's representative, again, water is emotions and earth is kind of our foundation, our stability, typically prosperity. So really, it's kind of showing the balance between the two.

She's also pouring jugs of water, both into the pond and on the land, and that water can represent free-flowing emotions. So, this card is very grounding and reassuring.

And in numerology, we add double digits together, so one plus seven equals eight. And number eight in the Major Arcana is Strength. So, this card is somewhat tied to strength.

Also, the number eight in numerology is really tied to infinity and channeling our infinite power, because number eight is essentially an infinity symbol and the power can kind of just continuously flow through that with no breaks.

And when we draw this card, it's very hopeful, and it's signaling that we're on our way to healing. It's here to lift our spirits after painful transformation, and The Star immediately comes after The Tower card in the Major Arcana.

And as we've talked about, The Tower really signifies, kind of our foundations falling apart. When you look at that card, you see a castle struck by lightning and two people jumping from the castle as it falls apart.

And it's a scary card, but really it shows kind of just jumping into the unknown and taking a chance. But it can also signal very kind of, you know, dramatic and maybe painful transformation.

So, with The Star following this card, The Star is really kind of signaling to us that there's hope on the horizon and that we're on our way to healing.

It's here to show us that we can move on from anything painful in the past and that we're working towards a better future, and that there's positive growth on our horizon.

So, if we're feeling hopeless, this card is really there to kind of give us a gentle hug and renew our hope and faith and understand that things are really going to work out for us in the long run; that the universe has our back.

And this card is reminding us that anything is possible if we work towards it and that we're about to enter more peaceful time in our lives after the turbulence we've experienced.

So overall, this is a pretty helpful card, which is good to have to kind of cleanse the palette because it is going to be a rocky topic that we're getting into.

Also seeing the woman on the card pouring out water is a reminder that we should be drinking more water make sure getting enough water during the day, especially if you are going out to drink afterwards, you should have a glass of water after every drink.

Stay hydrated. Be smart.

My Experiences Dating Men Who Abused Alcohol (4:07)

Anyway, from seeing stars to seeing double with our beer goggles on, let's talk about drinking problems in the gay community.

And to start that off, let's start with a stroll down memory lane by looking at Rob's dating history.

And before we kick it off, though, in all seriousness, let me start off by saying, addiction isn't a person's fault, but it is their responsibility to manage.

Because at the end of the day, your addiction is not an excuse to hurt others. And you'll see from these stories I'm about to tell that none of these men were appropriately managing their addiction.

So, let's begin. I started accepting that I was gay shortly after I turned 21 the summer before my last semester of college.

And I used Grindr for dates because, like I've said before, I thought that was the gay eHarmony. It's not, and I hope to never use a dating app again, but to each their own.

Anyway, that type of environment, not for me. So pretty much right away, I recognized that there was a party scene within the gay community.

And being in Pittsburgh, where the community is extremely small, it seemed like there was an overlap. So, within a couple months of using Grindr, I saw up close and personal what unhealthy drinking behavior looked like in dating.

So, to kick it off, that fall, I met this guy for dinner, and I had only been 21 for a few months, so I was like, Oh, how sophisticated. We're having alcoholic beverages with dinner.

But while I had a drink, he spiraled and had drink after drink after drink. And he got wasted and made me feel super uncomfortable.

He had some other emotional challenges going on at the time, and the drinking exacerbated his responses to that, which he then tried to force upon me.

And even after we hung out that one time, he kept trying to contact me, and it was super uncomfortable. So fast forward, a few months later, I was living in Jersey.

Left behind that other situation was literally in a new state and like out of contact with him. Didn't need to worry about him bothering me anymore, but I started dating somebody new.

And we were dating for about a month, and I noticed that he also liked to go out for drinks pretty frequently. Again, I'd stick to one or two, but with him, once he started, he could not stop.

And when I met his friends, I noticed that they exhibited similar behavior. In fact, fun story here. So, the first time I met his best girlfriend was at a bar by my apartment.

So, we're there and hanging out whatever, and his friend is talking to this guy. So next thing I know, out of the corner of my eye, I see her making out with this other guy she's talking to.

And as soon as they're done, he walks away. Then she casually turns to me and is like, Oh yeah, that's my drug dealer. Like, wow, talk about shameless.

Was not expecting that, and did not see that one coming, and not my scene. But that kind of behavior continued with him and his friends.

So, St Patrick's Day that year, we went out to Hoboken, and I was the DD, and he and his friends got trashed. Well, first off, they pre-gamed and left for Hoboken without me. So first red flag there.

Anyway, that night, they just got sloppier and sloppier, and eventually, his friends left him, and I drove us back home because, again, I hadn't been drinking that night.

And on the car ride there, he told me that he had a boyfriend, and I guess I was his side chick. But then he's like, but I was only dating that guy for the money, and you're way hotter, so I'm breaking up with him for you.

And you know, I think there's a compliment in there somewhere, but not quite sure.

But regardless, I was flabbergasted, especially considering he lived at home, and I met his mom and saw her every time I picked him up for dates, and she knew he had a boyfriend the whole time, and like apparently, didn't care, since she saw him with me all the time, knowing that I wasn't his official boyfriend.

By the way, did I mention that I have trust issues? Anyway, that situation ended quickly, and I think I may save that story for the future, for a funnier episode about bad breakups.

But anyway, about six months after that cluster, I moved back to Pittsburgh. And I still used dating apps, but I feel like I was warier about who I was going out with.

I mean, don't get me wrong, my standards were still low, but I was more aware of drinking patterns, and if guys mentioned they like going out to bars, I typically shied away from them.

And when it came to first dates, I prefer to get coffee over drinks.

But then October 2016 to May 2017, I hit the unholy trifecta of gay men with unhealthy relationships with alcohol. So, in October of 2016, this guy asked me out for a drink over Facebook.

And I had seen him on the apps before. People knew him in the Pittsburgh gay scene. He seemed like he had a bad attitude, and he worked at a bar. So of course, I said yes.

And we met for a drink, and he seemed really standoffish. It was not a good date.

But then when I got back to my place, I got a message from him saying something along the lines of, well, it was nice hanging out with you, but I know you're probably not interested in seeing me again.

Which now I recognize was full-on gaslighting. But back then I thought, oh my god, I gave off a bad impression, and he was nervous because of that, so that's why he was acting standoffish.

So, I apologized and said I was still interested. And we ended up seeing each other pretty consistently for about a month, but it was always grabbing a drink before he went to work at the bar.

And then some days he'd tell me that he would get drunk after work and went out to do coke or was grinding with a stranger at a gay bar. And 2023 Rob would be like, boy, bye.

But back then, I wanted to make it work. And I was like, well, let me tell him that coke isn't good for him, and it makes me concerned that he's doing it, and then he'll stop doing it and we can have a healthy relationship. I was so stupid.

And I remember one of my good friend's brothers met him when we were all going out one time. And after the fact, he was like, Rob, and he treats you well, right? And I lied and I was like, oh, yeah, isn't this?

Like, how you treat somebody you like. It turns out, after the fact, I found out he told my friend, that guy is a total dick. Why is Rob with him? And all I can say is he had tattoos.

I guess that was my 2016 kryptonite. Anyway, one night, this tool texted me, good night, babe, and then ghosted me. Not even eased off of hanging out, like complete silence.

And I wasn't sure if he was dead from one of his benders or ghosting me. So, me being my obsessive self, I re-downloaded Grindr to check if he was online there or to see if he was alive.

Turns out, thank God, he didn't die. He was just ghosting me. But by being on Grindr, this other guy messaged me.

I was 23 and he was 32, so a little older, but I thought, I need someone older and more mature, right? Turns out, I didn't get that from him, though.

And I talked about this dating situation in the Valentine's Day episode. But just a quick refresher, first date, we met for lunch downtown, which was nice.

He looked a little older than his pictures, but I thought maybe he just didn't sleep well the night before. Happens to all of us. So, first month, things seemed fine.

I'm thinking he's mature and emotionally available. Then he admits he lied about his age. And he was actually 38 so 15 years older than me at that time.

And also, around that time, his drinking habits really came to light. And it wasn't just like, oh, I party too hard. It was a daily part of his life.

There was one time I stayed over at his place, and at 10 am, he brought out a charcuterie tray, which, I mean, I love cheese.

But also, with that, he brought out a bottle of wine, and he drank the whole bottle. 10 am. Like once he started, he could not stop, and he couldn't handle the alcohol either.

He'd make bad decisions and say and do shitty things. We'd make plans, and he'd show up hours later because he went to the bar and lost track of time.

I mean, I remember I was having a small New Year's Eve party. I never heard from him a whole 24 hours before because he got drunk and blacked out at a friend's house, lost his phone.

I don't remember the whole details, but like it was some train wreck like that. But I had no idea where he was, if he was alive. And then in the midst of my little party, he comes over shit-faced.

He also told me one time that he got drunk at a work party and pinched I don't know if it was either his boss or one of his team's bosses, but he pinched his nipples at a work party.

And he said it so matter of factly, no remorse or shame. And it got to the point where he'd say really hurtful things to me when he was drunk.

And funny enough, during that time period, the bad-attitude alcoholic texted me out of the blue and was like, oh, I got scared, and that's why I got quiet. Can I have another chance?

And luckily, baby Rob was at least smart enough to channel Miss Kelly Clarkson and say, you had your chance. You blew it.

And at 23 years old, I was trying to encourage a 38-year-old man to go to counseling. I mean, I reached out to the counseling office, I worked to get an appointment set up, and he did go to the first session.

But then, of course, he gave up on that. And at that point, I realized I had to break up with him. And I mean, we sat down and had a civil conversation. It was one of the few times he was sober.

But I avoided the topic of his drinking and just said it felt like we weren't compatible, and he agreed.

And then a few weeks later, I started dating someone else who ended up being very much into the gay party scene. I mean, he was such a regular at the gay bar, he would get free beer from the bartenders.

And our dates were really just going to the bar so he could hang out with his friends. In fact, it got to the point where it felt like I knew his friends better than I knew him.

And that was the first time I really felt anxious when I was dating someone. You know, I never knew when he would show up or if he would want to make plans. He'd say to meet him at a bar.

I'd get there and be waiting half an hour because he got caught up elsewhere with his friends.

He'd make plans with me and said he'd text me when he's ready to hang out, and then it would be 10 o'clock at night, and I still hadn't heard from him.

And when I was hanging out with him, I wasn't actually with him. He was flirting with other people at the bar in front of me. I mean, two months into our fling, he was still on Grindr.

And this was leading up to my 24th birthday, and I realized I didn't want to start a new year with this drama and anxiety, so I broke up with him a few days shy of my birthday.

And these three dating situations really had a long-lasting impact on me. Now, granted, I did not handle them right. I wasn't giving myself time to process the things I went through. I was just a dating maniac.

And I also didn't break things off when I saw red flags because I wanted to make it work.

But this time in my life really made me realize the overlap between the gay community and the gay scene and also made me realize how much I don't want to be a part of that party scene.

And in other dating scenarios after those situations, I was really in tune to others' drinking patterns.

For example, I dated a guy a few years ago who, I mean, he didn't display any signs of having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. You know, I never saw him drunk or anything like that.

But one time, we were having some drinks at his house. I mean, we weren't going anywhere. We weren't driving anywhere. We were just staying in.

And I remember he had a third beer, and I started getting anxious over that. And you know, like I said, he wasn't showing any signs of being drunk, he had never been drunk around me or said mean things to me when he was drunk.

I mean, he still had some emotional issues that he took out on me, but he did that sober, not drunk.

So anyway, when it came to drinking, even though he wasn't showing any of these red flags I had seen in other men with unhealthy drinking relationships, it still made me anxious to see him have a third drink.

And it's interesting, because other guys I've dated, my gay friends, when we talk about all these kinds of situations, it seems like they all have had an ex or know someone in the gay community who has had major issues with alcohol.

And so, this led me to wonder, do gay men tend to have more substance abuse issues specifically related to alcohol?

Rates of Alcohol Abuse Among the LGBTQ+ Community (14:03)

Well, according to the CDC, when compared to the general population, gay and bisexual men, lesbian, and transgender individuals are more likely to:

• Use alcohol and drugs
• Have higher rates of substance abuse
• Not withhold from alcohol and drug use
• And continue heavy drinking later into life

According to American Addiction Centers, the rate of substance abuse is estimated to be 9% for the general population, and wait for it, between 20 and 30% in gay and transgender people.

Here are some additional metrics.

The rate of alcohol abuse in gay and transgender individuals may be as high as 25% compared to 5% to 10% in the general population, and the use of tobacco products is significantly higher in gay individuals than in heterosexuals.

Some studies suggest 200% higher. And this isn't a new problem for the LGBTQ+ community. In doing some research, one of the earlier articles I found regarding gay men and their relationship with alcohol was from 1991.

There have been a handful of studies on this correlation over the years, with the most recent I found being from 2016 which we'll get into in a bit.

But it's important to note that studies are limited, because really, until the AIDS pandemic in the 80s, there really was not much focus on gay men and health studies. But back to the topic.

Why Are Substance Abuse Rates Higher Among the LGBTQ+ Community? (15:18)

You may be asking why substance abuse rates are higher among the LGBTQ+ community versus the general population.

Or maybe you're not surprised, and the answer is obvious.

But here it is: alcohol and drug use among some gay and bisexual men can be a reaction to homophobia, discrimination, or violence they experienced due to their sexual orientation.

And this is the general consensus across all those studies on the matter. In fact, AlcoholRehabGuide.org has a whole page dedicated to LGBTQ+ alcoholism.

Here's an excerpt from the page:

“The LGBTQ community is strongly impacted by alcoholism for a number of reasons. One of the most important is the intense bigotry that the LGBTQ community faces on a daily basis. This is especially true for older LGBTQ individuals or those who reside in less tolerant regions. This bigotry often results in intense emotional distress, including anxiety, fear, and feelings of low self-esteem. Many turn to alcohol as a way to self-medicate, at least temporarily. As time goes on, this “self-medication” actually makes these symptoms worse, leading to more drinking, and a downward spiral has begun.”

Additionally, alcohol use has been deeply ingrained in the LGBTQ+ community.

I mean, we talked about it in the mafia episode, but for a long time, gay bars were the only safe space where gay men could be open about their sexuality.

So as a result, drinking became one of the primary social interactions for our community.

Also, let's talk about minority stress. We touched upon this in the gay and anxious episode.

And by definition, minority stress is the negative impact of adverse social conditions experienced by a marginalized group.

And according to AlcoholRehabGuide.org as a result of such social pressures, several co-occurring disorders or mental illnesses that are present alongside alcoholism are more common among members of the LGBTQ community.

And going back to the American Addiction Center's information, some examples they give of minority stress include:

• Workplace discrimination
• Housing discrimination
• Issues with acceptance of same-sex relationships and marriages
• And healthcare discrimination

Additionally, for some gay men, addiction issues may already run in the family, so that's another challenging factor.

Gender & Societal Roles’ Impact on LGBTQ+ Alcoholism (17:32)

Also, a 2016 study titled The Influence of Gender and Sexual Orientation on Alcohol Use and Alcohol-Related Problems found that gender and societal roles may also play a part in higher rates of substance abuse within the LGBTQ+ community.

Here's a quote:

“Employment and other social roles are believed to be protective against drinking problems among heterosexual men and women. Jobs and social responsibilities tend to promote enhanced self-esteem and offer greater social support, and they entail responsibilities and more intensive social monitoring that may discourage excessive drinking.

However, in part because of societal stigma and discrimination, fewer lesbian women and gay men engage in traditional roles such as marriage, childbearing, and childrearing or have responsibilities associated with social roles believed to limit alcohol use (especially among women) in the general population.”

And I think it's important to note that across the board, it was found that larger numbers of women in the LGBTQ+ community are impacted by alcoholism.

In fact, lesbian women have a three times greater likelihood of alcohol consumption compared to heterosexual men and women.

And there are several theories why this is the case, but it's believed to be the combination of sexism and homophobia women in the LGBTQ+ community face.

Coping with LGBTQ+ Alcoholism (18:47)

And going through all that, I don't think any of us are surprised by some of the factors that contribute to alcoholism within the LGBTQ+ community. But what can we do? How can we help prevent this?

Well, I think the answer is genuine equality and respect for the LGBTQ+ community, but since equal rights are still up for debate in 2023 it's up to us to fix this.

I think we need to make sure that we are the healthiest versions of ourselves, emotionally and physically. And to put that out into the world so we can better support one another.

Now I'm not a medical professional, not a mental health expert, not a drug and alcohol counselor.

I write emails for a living, so if you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol addiction, please be aware of the resources available to you, and we're going to go over some of those in a bit.

But first off, just want to acknowledge that getting help can be scary. You know, we talked about minority stress and healthcare discrimination.

Now, unsurprisingly, gay men may be hesitant to utilize healthcare services that can assist them in identifying and treating issues with substance abuse, because they've had significant experience with healthcare professionals who are unaware of the specific needs of this group, or there may be outright hostility or discrimination directed at them.

So, we need to find professionals that understand our unique needs as gay men.

Fortunately, as AlcoholRehabGuide.org notes, treatment facilities across the country are becoming more sensitive to a variety of communities, healing patients in recovery with unique treatment plans, including the LGBTQ+ community.

In fact, the American Addiction Centers has a page dedicated to LGBTQ+-friendly rehab facilities, and I've included the link to that in the episode notes.

Now, full disclosure, there are only a small number of states that are included in this list, but check them out. They may offer virtual treatment options too.

So, whether it's for you or for a loved one, take some time to look over these facilities and their resources and do some research on what resources may be available in your area.

But remember, and this is tough to accept, but people may only get help if they accept that there's a problem and want to get help.

You can't force someone to address their substance abuse issues if they don't want to.

Like I said, when I was dating that guy, I was dealing with all his antics and trying to get him into therapy, but ultimately, he had to be the one that wanted to work on himself. And at that time, he didn't want to, so nothing was going to change.

So, it's important to remain supportive, but also be sure to create some boundaries and take care of yourself.

Because, again, like the core of almost every episode, we talk about being the most emotionally healthy version of yourself you can be, and putting that out in the world makes a better place for everyone, especially our LGBTQ+ community.

Episode Closing (21:17)

And connecting it back to the tarot, when we draw The Star, we're seeing that we are on the path to healing.

We are getting ready to leave behind all those bad experiences, move on from the turmoil we may have encountered, and move on to a more peaceful, hopeful, and healthy time.

So again, if you know somebody who needs help, be there to support them, but create those boundaries so that you are taking care of yourself too.

Or if you're somebody who needs help, again, it can be scary to admit that, but there are resources there to help you.

So please check out the resources in this episode's notes and see what treatment plans, if any, may be beneficial for you.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (21:48)

And as always, thank you all for listening. I really appreciate it. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can also connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

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You get to listen to the episodes a day early, ad-free, and for $5 you can get a personalized shout-out for me on the episode, so check that out.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness. Mmm-bye.

Outtake (22:54)

But what can we do? How can we—oh, gross. There was an ant crawling on the wall right next to me. That's disgusting.