54. Love in the Third Degree (with Eric Praniewicz)

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Rob Loveless

What are some obstacles you've encountered being in a polyamorous relationship?

Eric Praniewicz

I think some of the main things are all three of us have some form of anxiety, or like many of us gays do.

Episode Introduction (0:32)

Rob Loveless

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because I stood up for myself, staged the house, and just am expelling all that negative shit.

So, feeling good, the sun is shining, and so am I.

Polyamorous Relationships (0:48)

Rob Loveless

Anyway, kicking it off today, we are talking about polyamorous relationships. You know, typically, a lot of my episodes are framed around monogamous relationships and dating scenarios.

But I do want to be inclusive across all sexualities, genders, and relationship types. And we live in a time where we don't have to be confined to such labels. You know, we can be fluid.

And regardless of relationship type, it's still important to do the emotional work, so you're bringing your best self forward into a relationship, and also to make sure you're attracting emotionally healthy people into your life.

So, I'm very excited, because today I have my friend Eric with me, and we're going to be talking about his experiences with polyamory.

So, we'll hear from him in a bit, but first, you know the drill. Tarot time.

Tarot (1:29)

Rob Loveless

So today we drew The Lovers in reverse, which is a Major Arcana card, number six. It's tied to harmony, reciprocity, and mirror image.

And in astrology, it's tied to Gemini, which is symbolic of duality, communication, and adaptability. Now, typically The Lovers card, everybody gets excited when they see this.

It can be, at times, tied to The Devil. The Devil is number 15 in the Major Arcana. So, if you add that up, one plus five equals six. So, you can kind of see both sides of both The Lovers and The Devil.

But when we draw this card in reverse, it's indicating that our relationship may be out of balance or even codependent. Basically, we can be out of sync with a loved one, whether it's platonic or romantic.

Specifically, there may be emotional strains and communication issues that need to be dealt with. So really, this card is asking us to look inward to find that source of imbalance.

Maybe we need to adapt a little bit. We need to have more open communication.

We need to be honest with our partner or partners, to understand where there may be a little imbalance, and work on re-harmonizing.

Guest Introduction (2:21)

Rob Loveless

So, without further ado, I am excited to introduce our next guest.

He is a fellow Real Housewives stan but promised me that he, even though he's under a lot of stress, won't be flipping a table because we're recording in my closet.

Please welcome my friend, Eric.

Eric Praniewicz

Hello.

Rob Loveless

Well, welcome. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? How you identify, all that fun stuff?

Eric Praniewicz

Yes, my name is Eric. I am 27 years old. My pronouns are he/him I identify as male.

Rob Loveless

And I like to ask all my guests this, are you a jaded or non-jaded gay today?

Eric Praniewicz

Oh, I am so non-jaded today. Things are good. The sun is shining.

I have my little iced green tea lemonade, and I just resigned from a very high-stress job a couple days ago. So, things are things are going great.

Rob Loveless

Oh, exciting. Stick it to the man, and not in the good way.

Eric Praniewicz

Exactly.

What is Polyamory? (3:11)

Rob Loveless

So, I love a good vocabulary lesson.

So, to start off with, today's topic, Oxford Languages defines polyamory as a practice of engaging in multiple romantic and typically sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved, which that sounds very textbook.

When I was doing some research, I also saw ethical non-monogamy come up.

So, to kick it off, what's your personal definition of polyamory?

Eric Praniewicz

My personal definition of polyamory is, I would say, having the ability or capability of expressing and/or feeling genuine romantic love, and to have that form into some sort of relationship with more than one person simultaneously.

Rob Loveless

And can you tell us about your own personal experiences with polyamory?

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah. So, I currently am in what is known as a polyamorous triad relationship, so commonly known as the throuple. There are three of us. We are all gay men.

Rob Loveless

You know, we live in a society where heteronormativity and monogamy are forced upon us at an early age.

So, can you tell us a little bit about when you realized that monogamy wasn't for you?

Eric Praniewicz

I think for me, it was more so, like, it wasn't so much that monogamy wasn't for me, per se, but it was more along the lines of, I am open to more than just the default. I guess.

I've always been somebody who's been really comfortable with myself and who I am and, and, and what I want out of life, and what I want from, you know, love and things like that.

And I've taken a lot of time to myself to kind of realize that love comes in many different forms. And really, it's just kind of been, I'm here to do whatever.

Whatever that may be, and this is just kind of how it's, how it's formed so far.

Coming Out Polyamorous (5:08)

Rob Loveless

So, when it comes to polyamory and your current relationship, did you have to have a second coming out to your family and friends? And how did they respond to that?

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah, and that was, I think that was a big point for all three of us, too, in a way because it was really like we were doing something now that, I mean, like coming out as, as, like, you know, gay or, or, you know, whatever, in that sense, is still like it's not, I don't wanna say it's not such a big deal now, but it's like it's not such a big deal as it used to be.

It's, I mean, it can still be very stressful, and it's still, you know, something that's, it takes a lot of, like, deliberation and a lot of time for people to kind of come to terms with sometimes.

But this is, like, it was a whole other ball game of, oh, like, do I want to tell my parents about this? Do, like, what friends do we tell? Do we tell anybody? Do we tell everybody?

Like, and it was, you know, some of us have told our parents, some of some of our families, know, a lot of our friends know. Luckily, it's been overall pretty positive experience.

Obviously, it comes with a lot of questions and like, you know, that's totally cool because, you know, we want people to be curious and we want people to be understanding and not, like, have sort of preemptive notions about everything going into it.

So, I love when people have questions, and it makes me feel really happy because it makes me feel like, oh, like, this is something new, and I want to learn about it so I can, you know, be better about understanding this stuff. And that's what a lot of it has been so far.

The only things that have been really negative is when somebody does like, like, when they're presented with that information and they're kind of like, oh, I've heard those don't work out.

Like, why would you want to tell somebody that? Like, it can be kind of a little frustrating with that. But overall, it's, it's, it's been very positive.

And even in those circumstances, it kind of, like, has opened up the door to further conversation about it.

And a lot of people who have had that kind of reaction have really come around to more aspects of it as they've learned more about it. And that's really what it comes down to.

Rob Loveless

I think it's interesting that you said that's the kind of negative reaction you get to that because honestly, what if you went around to, you know, heteronormative quote unquote monogamous married people, and said, did you know 50% of all marriages don't work out?

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah, it's kind of weird because I'm like, if you see somebody that's, like, entering in a relationship with somebody that, like, you're not a fan of, or whatever, like, you, you still don't go, like, oh, like, have fun while that lasts.

Like, what, what kind of a response is that? Like, I'm happy for you, but like, you know, I'll see you in a couple months when this is over.

Rob Loveless

What was the Vicki Gunvalson line? Like, call me in three years when your marriage ends.

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's very that, but yeah. Again, it, it usually opens the door to something more positive.

So, it can just be a weird starting off point, whenever that happens.

Rob Loveless

I bet. And, you know, what other kind of, how do you handle any negative reactions that you might have gotten?

Eric Praniewicz

I think you really have to come from a place of, oh, like, they really don't understand, like, what's kind of going on here. It's it usually comes from a place of ignorance.

And you just kind of have to, like, keep your head up a little bit and understand that because there are just going to be people who will have those kind of preconceived notions.

And you really just have to kind of have patience with people as they're learning something new all over again.

And they could be people who have been spending a lot of time in the past few years learning things that they didn't know about previously. So, this may just be another little hurdle for them.

They may be a little bit fatigued, and I feel like that's where some people's negative reactions might come from.

And just, you know, have patience with them as they, as they, you know, have patience with you, and just keep it as a learning experience. Keep the dialogue open.

You know, with those people that I've, I've had kind of odd reactions from, I'll just keep talking to them about things, and I'll keep saying, like, oh yeah.

Like, they say hello, or, like, oh, like, here's what's going on with me and the boys and stuff like that. And just, you know, kind of normalize it a little bit.

We're just normal people having our cute little normal life, and it's just there's more of us than usual.

Rob Loveless

So, I know you had mentioned before that, you know it wasn't that you realized monogamy wasn't for you, but you just realized that, you know, you have more love to give to more than just one person.

But when it comes to a relationship type, you know, polyamory versus monogamy, is there a preference of, like?

Say, you were single now. Is there a preference as to, you know, I am only interested in polyamorous relationships, or I lean more towards monogamous relationships?

Or really just depends on the person I meet and what kind of dynamic we're feeling?

Eric Praniewicz

So that's an interesting point that you bring up, actually. So, I'm definitely somebody who's open to all relationship types. For sure.

This was always just something that I've been open to. I never even was fully sure if it was something that would ever happen.

It wasn't like I was, I wasn't somebody who was really, necessarily, like, seeking this out. It just kind of happened in the way that it happened.

If it were to happen again, great. If, you know, something down the line were to change and I was single again, and, you know, I was, as they say, on the market, yeah, I would, I mean, I'd really be open to whatever.

That's, you know, you just keep your mind and keep your heart open and you see what happens there.

Rob Loveless

So, I know you touched upon your relationship a little bit earlier. Can you tell us more about that and how did you and your boyfriends define the relationship?

And what are some boundaries/rules you have in place?

Eric Praniewicz

Another good question. So we are, the dynamic as a whole is what you would call, like, a closed trio. So, there is obviously the aspects of polyamory and that there is more than one person.

But other than that, for us, it typically functions as your regular, you know, run-of-the-mill, gay monogamous relationship.

There are three of us, and, you know, there's no real activity outside of the three of us, pretty much. How it came to be.

There's, I mean, there's a lot of hurdles in the beginning of something like that, especially when, I mean, there were three of us who have never done this before.

My, my partners now, they have been in their relationship with the two of them for a good 11, going on, 12 years. So, they've, they've, they've had a lot of time to establish things.

So, throwing somebody else into the mix is, is, it's definitely been something new.

And while it's been exciting and really great, you know, it comes with its own host of challenges that I think some people don't necessarily realize whenever you're going into that.

But it just takes a ton of communication. A lot, a lot, a lot. A lot of questions being asked too.

You know, oh, like, if I'm not home, like, is, is, you know, is something like this permissible, you know, in terms of, like, sexual dynamic and stuff like that?

There's, there's a lot of ground you have to cover there.

And it might be something that, you know, is a little bit, like, uncomfortable to talk about at first, but, you know, if you're if you're doing that kind of thing, you have to put in that kind of work, or else it's not going to work because assumptions can be made.

Questions can be left unanswered that leave room for anxiety or doubt. And, you know, like any good relationship, you need a lot of communication, and I think this really forces the issue more.

And I think in that way, it's been really good for all of us because we know that we have to talk about that stuff or it's not going to work.

Navigating a Polyamorous Relationship (12:52)

Rob Loveless

Yeah, and I think that's a really good segue into the next question. You know, what are some obstacles you've encountered being in a polyamorous relationship?

You know, both maybe emotionally or sexually, like you touched upon.

Eric Praniewicz

There are definitely hurdles and obstacles, for sure. I think some of the main things are all three of us have some form of anxiety, or, like many of us gays do.

And, and, you know, those can be exacerbated by a lot of different things. Whenever there's, like, a lack of communication between any of us, it can really throw things off in some ways.

I know that whenever, like, whenever the relationship was very new and we were just figuring this out, there was definitely, like, you know, the two of them, they have, like, a very, like, strong bond already.

I am kind of entering this realizing, like, I have to form that kind of bond with two people and kind of, like, almost try to make it even in a way.

And that was a really big challenge at first, and I wasn't really sure how to overcome it because, you know, circumstance can just lead to me spending more time with one of them than the other when all three of us aren't together.

Or, you know, work stress and stuff like that can leave one of us feeling burnt out and not as communicative while, you know, the other two are, you know, a little bit more in sync when it comes to that.

And that can be a huge stress point for, for people who are already a little anxious and it it takes a lot of checking in. A lot of checking in even when you don't feel like it, like, you have to do it.

Like, every night, we check in with each other and we're like, hey, like, how was today, and when one of us is kind of like feeling a little bit off, we've gotten into the habit of sitting down and saying, like, hey, did I miss anything?

Which has been a really powerful statement of just, is there anything in the past like week or so when I've been mentally checked out that's happened, or that even I have said or done that I haven't noticed that maybe, like, maybe, you know, giving some misgivings or giving doubt, or anything like that?

Rob Loveless

Absolutely. And, you know, I think what you talked about with the checking in the communication, that's so important that I think people in any type of relationship don't maybe take enough time to do in general.

Eric Praniewicz

And it's kind of forced me to look back at my other previous relationships in a way, and that, like, that communication wasn't really there.

And probably a lot of issues that we had could have been resolved if the kind of communication that we're doing now was in place with some past relationships. It's just very eye-opening in that way.

Rob Loveless

So don't be like Daphne from White Lotus. Have those conversations.

Eric Praniewicz

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about the husband.

Rob Loveless

But going from, you know, but you mentioned, communication might have been an issue in past relationships.

Had you been in polyamorous relationships prior to this, or was this your first, your first go at it?

And kind of, how did you, I guess, how did you meet your boyfriends too, and you know, kind of form this, this relationship together?

Eric Praniewicz

It is my first. It's, it's my first little foray into this wonderful little world of untraditional relationship dynamics. It's, it's my first. It's my boyfriends' first as well.

We're all really new to it. We met, we met on Twitter. Actually, believe it or not. It was just, I don't know, I, I tweet a lot. I'm a chronic tweeter, but notwithstanding, I did, I did meet my boys there.

And it was just, I, honestly, I think it was maybe from a thirst comment initially. I'm not gonna lie, it was something like that.

I mean, we're all like, very like, between the three of us, like, whatever goes on, like, in the DMs or whatever is fair game. And this was definitely one of those instances.

And then it was kind of, like, oh, like, by the way, like, I'm Eric, and I see that you live in Pittsburgh, like, can we be friends?

And and it's, it's turned out over the time that we've known each other and I've had this relationship, that we've actually had a lot of mutual friends.

And so, we've, we, I think, we initially met in person. We had dinner together.

We had dinner together to just kind of like, meet and, like, hang out and, like, hang out and, like, get to know each other in person.

And it was really nice. But then we actually didn't really talk so much after that. I think we were all, like, a little bit nervous, and it was a little, like, sort of, like, awkward rom-com dinner scene, in a way.

But, you know, it was still great. And I was still, like, oh, like, I want to hang out again.

And then, like, nothing really happened for a while, as we happened for a while, as we were all pretty bogged down with work.

And then we met again at, like, a group, like, hang out with us and some mutual friends. And from there we were, like, why did we, why did we stop doing this? Like, we enjoy hanging out with one another.

And then it just kind of became a regular thing. We started hanging out more and more, you know, if, if, you know, they needed somebody, like, to watch, watch the dog or something like that.

Like I was, I was there, and a lot of weeknights and weekends and stuff spent together, like, hanging out and, and going places and doing things.

And it just kind of, I don't know, it just kind of developed over time. We texted every day between the three of us, and we talked constantly.

And there were just a lot of commonalities found, I think, and a lot of the way that we view life and also love and, you know, what we, what we want from our lives, it was all compatible in a way that kind of all got us thinking, like, is, is there something else to it?

Like, there were always, like, random little, little side comments, like, oh yeah, if, like, you know, I would be into, like, that kind of a thing, if, like, something were to happen.

Like, just in general, not necessarily, like, you know, you, you want, you want this kind of thing?

But it was, it was, we all knew at some point that it was something that we would be open to, if stars aligned, like, with, with the right person, kind of a thing.

And I don't know, the more that we got talking about it, the more it kind of became a thing where, like, is it right for the three of us to try maybe?

And you know, there was, there were a lot of sentiments kind of shared with one another, like, oh, I, you know, I actually, like, really, really care about you, like, as more than a friend, but I don't really know how to handle this kind of a thing.

And, you know, then it sort of enters a gray area of, is this something more than friendship? Is it? What does this look like for us?

And that's kind of, you know, when the three of us started realizing it, that's, that's when you start having the hard conversations about it.

And then once it's kind of acknowledged and brought into existence, then you can really dive into the deep stuff there. And that's what we did.

And now here we are almost, almost a year later, and it's going great.

Misconceptions About Polyamory (19:52)

Rob Loveless

Now, I know you talked earlier about, you know, getting some negative comments from people, and really, it's just kind of a lack of education, so you have to kind of help them understand and kind of teach them and show them that, you know, there's more than just one type of relationship.

So that being said, what are some common misconceptions people have about polyamory?

Eric Praniewicz

There are a lot. One, uh, the biggest one, probably from within the LGBT community, is that we are polyamorous, therefore it is an open relationship.

All bets are off kind of a thing. A lot of assumptions just kind of shot right into the DMs about stuff like that. We're like, hey, pump the brakes there a little bit. That's not really what this is.

Polyamory is not the same as an open relationship. It is also not the same as polygamy, which, whenever we made a little announcement on Twitter, it did go viral.

It went fairly like, very viral, especially amongst, like, gay Twitter, to the point where conservative Twitter did find it, and they did harass me and my boyfriends a lot, and shared it throughout their sphere.

And a lot of really, really harsh, terrible things said about all of us from anywhere from Oh, like, we are all, like, country bumpkins on meth and are related.

Or, oh, these three ugly, ugly people can't find anybody else, so they've just decided to date each other. Or, oh, like, you're the reason that monkeypox is spreading.

Or literally, because, like, you know, monkeypox was, was, it was all the rage at the time.

So that was, that was fun. You know, enjoy your monkeypox.

Rob Loveless

This season's pandemic is...

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah, and you can just tell throughout it that nobody's really paying attention to what is actually happening. But I digress. Yeah, polyamory is not the same as polygamy.

Very, very, very different. Everybody is, number one, consenting in this relationship. And number two, it's not really like a thing where one person is in charge of the rest of them.

It's a very egalitarian kind of thing. We are all equals in this and there's no religious connotation to it, because, yeah.

There's, yeah, there's a lot of, there's, there's a lot going on there.

Rob Loveless

Another episode for another day.

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah, religious trauma. Insert Jamie Lee Curtis. Trowma. But yeah, so polyamory is not necessarily openness or non-monogamy. Otherwise, it's, it's not polygamy.

It's, it's just a relationship that is happening in the same way as any other relationship dynamic happens, just with more than two people.

And I think one thing to kind of overcome that is just sharing my life with people online, and kind of showing people, you know, what life looks like through the lens of us, and even, you know, sharing when we've had hard days and, like, how we've been able to overcome it.

I feel like this term is overused a little bit these days, especially, like, on Twitter and social media, but just normalizing it because there's, there's, you know, it is different, and you know that's, that's fun and exciting sometimes, but it's also just, it's just life, and it's just normal to us.

Rob Loveless

And what would you say to someone who is anti-polyamory or who has negative perceptions of it?

And what would you want them to know or better understand about it?

Eric Praniewicz

One, read some books. If you are really against that sort of thing, just open your mind and listen.

And, you know, the petty part of me would say like, well, glad you're not in a relationship like this, then, because it doesn't affect you, regardless.

Honestly, enjoy the sock that you have under your bed because clearly, you've got some issues to work through. Find a therapist maybe.

Rob Loveless

Get a good lawyer.

Eric Praniewicz

Yeah, get a good lawyer. And also just, you know, enjoy your life and let me enjoy mine because I don't care about you, and you don't have to care about me.

But also learn something from it, maybe.

Episode Closing (24:03)

Rob Loveless

And what advice would you give to someone who is considering polyamory, or is navigating a polyamorous relationship, maybe for the first time?

Eric Praniewicz

Know yourself. Definitely know yourself. First and foremost, understand who you are and what you want more than anything else.

Try to really understand what it is that you're comfortable with. Also, don't be afraid to try things because you might surprise yourself at what you're comfortable with and what you're not.

Sometimes, you really just have to insert yourself in the situation and don't be so hard on yourself if you do try something out like that, and you're feeling like it's not for you.

Understand that it's going to be a lot of work. Understand that you are going to have to communicate more than you ever have in your life.

But if you do, and if it works out well because of that, then it's you're going to know that it's worth it at that point. And it really, really is so, so worth it.

Rob Loveless

And connecting it all back to the tarot. I think what you touched upon a lot in your, your own personal dynamic really reflects in the tarot of, you know, when we see The Lovers in reverse, it's indicating there might be a disharmony, and obviously, literally, the card means a romantic relationship.

But it doesn't have to be tied to that. We might be miscommunicating with, you know, friends, family, maybe a romantic partner, maybe even ourselves.

So, we need to look within ourselves to see what kind of that wedge maybe that we're experiencing in our relationships, and kind of find ways to overcome that.

And we need to remind ourselves to be adaptable and be open to a new situation or a new person or a new process to get back on track so we could find that sense of harmony.

And again, I think above all else, communication is key. So, kind of wrapping things up, do you have any final thoughts or words?

Eric Praniewicz

Know thyself again. And just have fun with it, like, just keep your mind and your heart open and, and, you know, whatever comes, you know, just let it come, whatever that is.

Let it happen, feel yourself, love yourself, and like any good relationship, keep your independence too.

And that's another, that's another nice thing about this, actually, is that, like, there are three of us, and there's a lot of people and there's a lot of communication, but it's also forced me to realize, like, I still have my own life.

I'm still my own person, even though I'm in a relationship because I've always had a tendency to lose myself in relationships, and this is the first time that I've really been like, oh, that doesn't have to be a thing. Like, I can still be my own person and, and have my own independent life while being in love, and I don't have to let it consume me in a way that's unhealthy.

Rob Loveless

Yeah. Like Cher Horowitz said in Clueless, to thy own self, be true.

Eric Praniewicz

Yes!

Connect with Eric (26:34)

Rob Loveless

So wrapping things up, is there anything you want to plug? Where can people find you at?

Eric Praniewicz

People can find me on Instagram @pranadelrey. P-R-A-N-A-D-E-L-R-E-Y. You can, you can find me on Twitter, but maybe DM me on Instagram for that handle.

Otherwise, have a, have a wonderful day. Love each other, love yourself, and do something nice for somebody today.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (27:01)

Rob Loveless

Thanks, Eric. And if you have any feedback or questions about the episode, you can always reach out to me, rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod.

You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless. You can also support the show on Patreon for as little as $1 a month @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Rob Loveless & Eric Praniewicz

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (27:54)

Eric Praniewicz

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about the husband.

Rob Loveless

I'm trying to think how his voice. It's like, all right. Did you just say let's not talk about the husband?

Eric Praniewicz

Maybe you can have a piece of bread and you'll calm down.

Rob Loveless

She does defend you, Kim, she does defend you.

Eric Praniewicz

You beast.

Rob Loveless

Beast?

Eric Praniewicz

How dare you?

Rob Loveless

And I apologized. Actually, you didn't. No, you didn't.

Kyle's over here like. I just realized I tried to, like, imitate that whole facial thing, but it's a podcast and I'm whispering so nobody listening... Uh, Patreon content. We'll reenact that whole ASMR.

Eric Praniewicz

If you know, you know.

Rob Loveless

Never forget.