53. Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Gays

Snarky Opener (0:00)

When it comes to who can cry the most, it's no competition. I always win.

Episode Introduction (0:24)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a non-jaded gay because tomorrow marks one year that I launched the podcast.

Can't believe it's already been a year. We've covered tons of topics, way more episodes than I thought. You know, a few listeners have engaged with me.

I really appreciate all the support, and I'm looking forward to another year and many more to go. Hopefully. We'll see.

Anyway, what better way to mark the occasion of the one-year anniversary than talk about a deep, emotional topic that may make many of us gay men uncomfortable?

Comparing Ourselves to Other Gay Men (0:56) 

Today, we are going to be talking about comparing ourselves to others, specifically comparing ourselves to our dates. And I've touched upon this before.

You know myself personally, I've compared myself to others I've dated in the past.

Like, oh, is he more muscular than me, or does he seem more masculine than me, or is he ahead in his career compared to me?

And partially, that's because I am an insecure person. I will admit it. Full transparency, I'm insecure. I'm working on it, but I'm insecure at the moment.

But also, I do think that for some aspects, it's easy to compare ourselves to someone of the same gender.

You know, as gay men, we may grapple with perfectionism because we feel we need to overcompensate for being gay.

And then when it comes to dating, we may feel threatened by a partner who may seem to have it more together than we do, which obviously that can make us feel uncomfortable, and it creates obstacles when it comes to opening up to someone and letting our guard down.

So, we're going to take a look into this. But first, you know the drill. Let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (1:52) 

So, today's card is the Ten of Pentacles in reverse. Again, Pentacles is part of the Minor Arcana, so it's more of the day-to-day things we need to be working on.

It's tied to the element of earth. It's feminine energy. So, it's asking us to meditate and reflect.

And really, you can think about this card as kind of putting in the hard work, reaping the rewards of your hard work, the fruits of our labor, all that fun stuff. It is also tied to prosperity, sometimes literally financial prosperity.

But I think you can also interpret this card in terms of emotional prosperity. And in numerology, the number ten signifies that we've completed a cycle.

So, ten is the end of the cycle. Because in numerology, when we get double digits, we add them together.

So, number ten shows the end of a cycle, and adding it together to get number one shows the beginning of a new cycle.

But when we draw this card in reverse, it may indicate that we're losing something or breaking with tradition.

And specifically, this card, you know, it's, it's kind of tied to family dynamics, but I think you can think of it larger from just a societal aspect.

But really, it's saying that maybe we're feeling controlled by the expectations placed upon us. Maybe that is by family or friends. Maybe it's by society at large.

So, we need to reflect and see, are these really, are these expectations really what we want for ourselves? Do we have to break those traditions? Break those expectations have been placed upon us?

And as a result, maybe we have to say goodbye to some people along the way, so we can be our authentic selves.

And it might be scary for us to move forward. I mean, I think we need to start a running tab of how many times I say this, but like the Kylie Minogue song Better the Devil, You Know.

You know, it's easier to hold on to a situation that's familiar to you, even if it might be repressing you, holding you back, or making you unhappy, as opposed to entering the unknown, which is scary, but it might offer new potential for you to be a better version of yourself.

So, while we may be afraid to move forward, it's probably in our best interest to really reflect to see if we're currently living the way we want to, or if we're just fulfilling expectations placed upon us that aren't fulfilling to ourselves.

And it's also a reminder that sometimes you know the things we surround ourselves with maybe, you know, maybe literally tied to wealth, because, again, this card is linked to financial prosperity, but maybe just, you know, the things that we thought we need to have out of life, in either a relationship, a partnership, a career, whatever.

Maybe it's kind of a false illusion that we have this, but it's not what we really wanted. It's what we were expected to achieve because others told us that.

And so, we kind of need to shatter that illusion and really take some time to soul search and figure out what it is that we want for ourselves without the expectations or validation of others, and then find a way to move forward to that, even though we might be afraid to.

Why Do People Compare Themselves to Others? (4:11)

And with that in mind, let's understand why we compare ourselves to others. And this isn't exclusive to gay people by any means, because everyone tends to compare themselves to others at times.

In fact, some studies have found that as much as 10% of our thoughts involve comparisons of some kind. So why did we do this?

Well, in 1954 psychologist Leon Festinger developed the social comparison theory.

And this is the idea that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they stack up against others. And there's a fine line as to if this is healthy or not.

People who regularly compare themselves to others may find motivation to improve, but may also experience feelings of deep dissatisfaction, guilt, or remorse.

So, what benefits do we gain from comparing ourselves to others? Well, here's a quick excerpt from Psychology Today:

“When individuals compare themselves to others as a way of measuring their personal development or to motivate themselves to improve and, in the process, develop a more positive self-image, comparisons can be beneficial. It takes discipline, however, to avoid the pitfalls of negative comparison.

In large part, how we react to comparisons depends on who we compare ourselves to: When we just want to feel better about ourselves, we tend to engage in comparisons to people worse off than we are, although this can become an unhealthy habit. When we want to improve, though, we may compare ourselves to people roughly similar to us but higher achieving in one trait or another.”

But while comparison can motivate people to improve, it can also promote judgmental, biased, and overly competitive or superior attitudes.

And if we become too fixated on comparing ourselves to one another, we may develop harmful behaviors.

For example, if we're comparing our body to that of a professional athlete, maybe we begin to become too obsessive with working out or develop an eating disorder as we strive to quote-unquote look better than them.

And I personally believe that comparing ourselves too much to others can cause us to become too reliant upon other people's perceptions of us for validation, instead of being able to validate ourselves.

Toxic Comparisons Among Gay Men (6:05)

And again, this is something that I think most people struggle with at some point in their lives.

But as we've talked about it in the past, for gay men, there can be an obsession to be successful as a means of validation, because they feel shame for being gay.

And successful looks like different things. You know, some gay men may be obsessive about their bodies. Others may want to be the center of attention in social circles.

Some may want to have the most glamorous home, while others may be at the top of their careers.

And like Dr. Alan Downs said in The Velvet Rage, oftentimes this is a beautifully curated illusion to convince ourselves we're happy to overcompensate for the shame we faced growing up gay.

And full disclosure, you can be successful, whatever that definition means to you, without it being a result of shame.

But there is a fine line between genuine success and this curated life Dr. Alan Downs talks about to put on a show for others to offset our gay shame.

And because of this, it's no surprise that competition may ensue between members of the gay community.

In a 2014 blog post titled Sizing Up: When We Compete with Other Gay Men in Gay Communities, therapist Ash Rehn has this to say about gay men and their sense of belonging:

“Gay identity is a relatively new concept established in the last 40 years or so. Gay people have developed communities over this time that offer them support when they find themselves left out of mainstream ways of living.

However, there is no question that some gay men find their scenes to be highly competitive, and this goes beyond the question of finding a partner. Sometimes the effects of this competition are described to me as ‘not feeling as good as others’ or ‘feeling less as a person’.

I’ve spoken to men, for instance, who have told me about accumulating huge credit card debt through buying clothes, expensive holidays, or cool technology and other accessories so as to fit in with their peers and feel more comfortable in their gay networks. Others have responded to the anxiety of competition by taking drugs to feel more relaxed or ‘part of’ the atmosphere.”

And, putting it in the context of a real scenario, when I was doing research for this episode, I came across this Reddit thread from 2019 titled How to deal with comparing yourself to another gay?

Here's what the original poster said:

“Okay so long story short my housemate has a gay friend staying over this weekend. He’s extremely good-looking, muscular, funny, and nice. He’s very confident as well and I am quite intimidated by him but also attracted at the same time. It sounds bad but most other gay guys just aren’t really my type or are cute and I fancy them.

I’m in a weird position with this guy where I want to be him but also find him really attractive. This isn’t really a situation to resolve but just feeling a little insecure about my appearance, the way I talk, the way I interact with other people because I’m comparing myself to him. How do you stop comparing yourself with others?”

Why Are Gay Men Competitive? (8:38)

And I think we can all think of a situation we've been in where another gay man has made us feel insecure.

Maybe we went out with this guy who seems perfect, or at a party we met someone who seems to have it all together, and it can have us feeling insecure about our bodies, our love life, our careers, whatever it may be.

Or maybe you've been in circles where there's always someone who has to one up, someone when talking like they need to brag about who they know or what they do, and it breeds competition.

In 2015 Barrett Pall actually published a HuffPost article that takes a look at why the gay community is so competitive. In the article, he says:

“Since coming out, I have encountered many different types of gay men, because, as is true in all communities, no one is exactly the same, and within the broader gay community, as in any other large community, there are in fact subcultures that exist. However, what has boggled my mind is that there seems to be some sort of hierarchy within the gay community, or at least a never-ending amount of cliques -- you know, those things that existed in high school.”

So, here's some of the reasons he asserts gay men are competitive with one another.

For starters, we have a second adolescence after coming out. As adults, we may move to a big city or a more gay-friendly place that's less stigmatizing than when we were growing up.

It gives us the opportunity to meet other gay men like us and those who are not. But unlike actual adolescents, we don't have anyone to answer to.

You know, as kids, the problems we had weren't as big because we had our parents to answer to.

But as adults, in this second adolescence, we're essentially kids in a candy store, which Pall claims creates monsters on sugar highs.

Also, within the gig community, we separate ourselves into subgroups. You know, twink, otter, bear, top, bottom, masc, femme.

And these subgroups all come with their own stereotypes, and we're essentially creating prejudices within our own communities.

So, at the end of the day, we're developing cliques amongst ourselves, and those cliques aren't treated equally. And going off of that, a lot of us still struggle with masculinity and femininity.

In fact, Pall says we are using outdated ideas about what it means to be masculine and feminine to classify a group of people who do not fall strictly into either category.

We're also obsessed with looks and perfection, both of which we talked about in the perfectionism and body obsession episodes.

And when it comes to dating, everyone's kind of a possibility. Pall writes that whether sexually, romantically, platonically, or professionally, we can all fill each other's needs in multiple ways that do not exist in the straight world.

So, we may enter a new group and wonder if any of the guys we're meeting can be a friend or more than that.

And then the dynamic may be thrown off because some men may be joining new groups purely for friendships or networking, while others are looking for more of a romantic connection.

Additionally, since we are a small community to begin with, everyone is essentially connected. Everyone knows each other and their business, which can contribute to that cliquey feeling.

And a perfect example of this is that our exes and friends can date each other.

I mean, I remember years ago, when I was dating this guy who was very plugged into the gay scene, we'd go to the gay bar, and someone could walk in, and you'd instantly know that person.

Like either we talked on an app, or we went out on a date, or the person I was dating had dated him. And at another point in my life, I had dated a guy whose roommate I had briefly talked to on an app.

And it's just too close for comfort. And that's not an uncommon situation. I'm sure a lot of you listening have experienced something like that before.

Here's a quote from the article:

“We can become each other's partners, sexual conquests, best friends, and ex-boyfriends. Our ex can date our best friend, who was someone we could have been dating at one point. The relationships that exist within the gay community are so complex and run so deep that it feels like we are constantly surrounded by no one new, and in an endless connect-the-dots game that feels both familiar and obscenely disgusting.”

Gay Men and Physical Comparisons (12:07)

Additionally, in 2016, Zachary Zane published an article in Pride that claims that, as gay men, our upbringing, community, and partners all impact us in ways that drive competition.

And you may remember Zane from his article that we talked about in the emotional unavailability episode.

Anyway, going off of that statement about our small, interconnected community driving competition, Zane explains that because of this small dating pool, we want to be our best, which also creates comparisons and competition.

And tied to this, the gay beauty culture consumes us, and we try to maintain unrealistic standards from having cut six-pack abs to preventing wrinkles.

And no surprise to anyone but social media consumption and dating apps can exacerbate these physical insecurities we may have.

In fact, a 2020 research study at California State Polytechnic University Pomona took a look at gay men and their self-perceptions based on Grindr use.

And I'm sure no one is surprised to hear that they observe toxic behavior on the app.

But the study found that there was a slightly higher percentage of users experiencing negative self-feelings than users who experienced positive self-feelings.

And the author proposed that those negative self-feelings were reinforced by users socially comparing themselves to others.

But despite acknowledging the toxic behavior, most participants expressed continuing using Grindr to seek physical validation, regardless of potential adverse effects on self-perception.

So that's great, right there. It's just an endless cycle of hurt.

Childhood Bullying & Perfectionism in Adulthood (13:27)

Now, going back to the Pride article, Zane goes on to say that some of the other reasons we as gay men may be competitive with one another is because many of us were bullied as kids.

And this is my own personal opinion, and it definitely applies to myself, but by being bullied, we may have wanted to correct the quote-unquote flaws we had that made us targets of bullying, or we may feel the need to be overachievers to compensate and justify ourselves.

In fact, Zane also says that excelling was a way out of our town. Shocker, but cities tend to be more tolerant than small towns, which is where many of us ended up.

But to get out of those small towns, we needed to have the best grades or be super athletic so we could get scholarships to go to college. And here's a quote from Zane:

“So many gay men strove to be the best to escape, which caused them to become competitive.”

Comparing Ourselves to Our Same-Sex Partners (14:12)

Now, additionally, competition breeds competition, so being a part of an overly competitive community may cause us to become more competitive ourselves.

And this isn't just tied to gay men in our social circles. It can also be who we date, which is another area of concern. We can end up directly comparing ourselves to our partners.

Here's a quote from Zane:

“Unlike a man dating a woman, a man dating another man can directly compare himself to his partner. We can directly compare ourselves to our male partner on looks, professional success, how many guys flirt with each of us when we go out together -- literally anything. This makes us more competitive than straight men and can make us competitive with our same-sex partners.”

And this competition amongst same-sex couples is not uncommon.

In fact, a 2018 Wellman Psychology article says that stage two of relationship development is coined the competitive or power struggle stage, and this is when differences of opinion really come to light.

Here's an excerpt:

“Stage two is entered when a couple decides to commit to one another by openly engaging in a large relationship change, such as agreeing to date exclusively, merging resources, moving in together, or starting a family. These big decisions stir unplanned emotional and physical reactions… cue competition! In gay male couples, this struggle can be intensified by certain drives inborn to males. Therefore, it is critical for male couples to understand and acknowledge potential sources of conflict that may arise in this stage of relational commitment to proactively quell unhealthy competition.”

And some of these relationship challenges that may cause relational competition include money. I mean, think about it, American ideals traditionally recognize the man as the quote-unquote breadwinner.

But with a same-sex couple, you have two people of the same sex who may want to fill that role. Another area is appearance.

Again, it's easier to compare yourself physically to someone of the same sex. And this type of competition is especially dangerous because it can trigger harmful mental and physical disorders.

Another area, duties. And this kind of ties back into the money piece, but there are typical gender norms of who fills what role in a couple.

And these deeply rooted gender norms can elicit competition in gay couples over who quote-unquote wins the more traditionally masculine chores around the house.

And the last area is friendships. We talked about how we have a small interconnected community. And as a result, most same-sex couples share the same friend group.

So, one, there is no separation of lives here. But two, because that group of friends may be mostly other gay men, there may be some insecurity of the threat of another impending on a relationship, which can cause anxiety and jealousy.

And while all of this may seem like just some competition, don't all competitions result in a winner and a loser? I mean, if you're not winning, then you're losing, right?

And especially in the scopes of a romantic relationship, if there are high levels of competition where it feels like someone is the winner and someone is the loser, won't that cause some resentment?

So, what can we do?

Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Gay Men (17:00)

Well, generally speaking, there's plenty of tips online about how to stop comparing ourselves to others. This includes:

• Appreciating what you have
• Practicing gratitude
• Removing or replacing comparative thoughts
• Focusing on what actually matters
• And documenting your achievements

And that's all great, and those are things that we should definitely work on. But specifically, as gay men, there's deeper work we need to do.

In his YouTube video, psychotherapist Matthew J. Dempsey talks about the compare and despair phenomenon, and how competition amongst gay men is a slippery slope because we're putting ourselves up against men who are supposed to be our teammates.

I mean, we face enough adversity in our daily lives from politicians, strangers on the street, Florida, for Christ's sake.

We are a small community, so why are we tearing each other down when we should be building each other up?

Now going back to that Reddit post we talked about earlier, this was the most popular answer on that thread:

“You eventually learn that comparing yourself to others is a waste of time. That doesn’t mean you can’t get inspiration from how they dress, act in some situations, and maybe some workout tips if you’re into that. What you’re feeling is natural. It doesn’t mean you’re inferior in any way to him, and you shouldn’t feel threatened or intimidated. He’s just another guy.”

Don’t Compete with Your Partner (18:09)

And in the scope of a romantic relationship, the Wellman Psychology article gives some positive practice tips on how to reduce competition in same-sex couples.

For starters, communicate proactively with your partner and share what works for you. Let your partner know what he can do to support your needs and why these actions help you.

Also, brush up on your financial literacy. Take classes together on how to better save and manage money so that finances become a joint effort.

Use chore cards to eliminate the discussion about who does what around the house. Each partner selects chore cards from a stack at random, and these cards detail their specific house duties for the week.

Encourage your partner to make plans with friends, even if you can't be there.

And lastly, spend time personally reflecting on your own needs. When you take care of yourself first, you'll be more willing to support your partner without quote unquote keeping tabs.

Episode Closing (18:55)

And going back to that HuffPost article, Pall ends the article with some really powerful words that I'd like to close this episode out on:

“When you find your authenticity and get over the cliques, the classifications, the notions of masculinity and femininity, what you find is that you are simply you, an individual who wants happiness, love, and respect. You won't feel the need to tear others down but the desire to build them up higher and higher. We must go back to being a brotherhood before it's too late, and claim our pride in a new way. Let's lose the labels because they further perpetuate stereotypes that were put on us to make us look like savages, animals, deviants. Let's lift each other up. Let's make each other proud. Let's define a new way to be gay.”

And putting it in perspective with the tarot, with the Ten of Pentacles in reverse, it's asking us to reflect on the traditions and expectations that might have been placed upon us from either family, friends, society, and kind of chip away at those.

We really need to reflect and understand what expectations we hold for ourself.

Like we talked about today, it's very easy to fall into the trap of being overly competitive and being at our best just to impress others instead of taking care of ourselves.

So, we really need to take that time to reflect on what matters to us and what areas we want to put efforts into. Maybe it is our career, maybe it is our fitness journey, maybe it's our dating lives.

That's all fine, as long as we are doing it for ourselves and approaching it in a healthy way.

And as a final note, I do think within the gay community there can be a lot of cliquiness, cattiness, and tearing each other down, and we are such a small persecuted group to begin with that we really do need to lift each other up.

We need to support each other, and I think we can start by supporting ourselves because if we are making ourselves the healthiest we can be emotionally, then we can also spread that kindness out into the world and support others emotionally.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (20:33)

So, thank you all for listening. If you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me, Rob Loveless, personally on Instagram @rob_loveless.

And you can also support the show for as little as $1 a month on Patreon @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (21:24)

Oh, thank God. The recording's done. I have to pee so bad.

That's what happens when you chug a whole bottle of San Pellegrino before you record.