47. Say Goodbye to Abandonment Issues

Snarky Opener (0:00)

I was always more of a Backstreet Boys fan instead of NSYNC, so I think that's why I have a little trouble saying bye bye bye.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I'm a non-jaded gay because I paid off my student loans. Finally.

You know, I did something that I think most people, definitely most financial experts and advisors, would definitely frown at, but I dipped into my 401(k) and took a little money out.

Just enough to pay off my student loans. And I mean, I didn't empty out my accounts by any means. But my thoughts are, you know, I know people say, you know, right now you should be saving your money.

Put it in your 401(k) account so it can build up over time, and you could have it for retirement. But the thing is, you know, I'm still definitely doing that.

The thing is, though, I've realized that, you know, that money is for retirement. I could die at 40, drop dead of a heart attack, God forbid, and never see that money.

And right now, in the present moment, I'm very stressed out over finances.

And so, if I can do something now, to take action, to get rid of my student loans, to ease some of the financial stress I feel, then that's, that's the path I'm going to take for now.

And I can always, you know, spend the next however many years I need to catch up on those retirement contributions, which I've done.

I actually did, after paying off my student loans, up the amount for my paycheck that goes into my 401(k) every pay period. So, I'm making up those contributions.

But I just feel a lot better knowing that these student loans are not over me anymore. You know, I paid off my car loan last year. I don't have student loans. I just have my mortgage now.

So, I just feel in a little bit more secure of a place. I am really strict with finances, but I still worry about it a lot.

And, you know, ever since I was a kid, even playing the game of Life, I hated the beginning when you'd come out and you had the student loans. I always wanted to pay those off immediately.

I didn't want any kind of debt over my head, even as a kid playing a board game, and that's carried over into my adult life. So, I'm very happy to have paid that off.

You know, I'm hoping to start saving up a little bit more, being able to just live in the present, not be as worried about finances. And again, all of this I'm saying, not financial advice.

You probably shouldn't do that. You know, do what works for your situation. But I'm not telling you what to do. This is just what worked for me, and I feel really happy about that.

Abandonment Issues (2:15) 

So, anyway, while it's easy for me to say goodbye to debt, sometimes I have trouble saying goodbye to unfulfilling relationships.

And today I'm going to be triggering myself because we are going to be talking about abandonment issues. Literally, I felt myself getting anxious putting this episode together.

So, just look at the sacrifice I'm making for all of you.

You know, when people hear the term abandonment issues, I think they think it means there was a lot of instability in their homes growing up, which has created these issues in adulthood.

But that's just one scenario. You know, I think, as gay men, a lot of us may struggle with this in a different sense.

For myself, personally, I had a very stable and secure home life, and I've always had a pretty good relationship with my parents.

But over the years in therapy, my counselor has said that some of the things I say and feel sound like I have some abandonment issues of my own.

And even though I was never rejected outright by my family, I still felt a sense of otherness when I came to terms with my sexuality.

And I think I might have touched upon this in past episodes, but when it comes to dating, I've been a bit needy in the past, where being in a relationship with someone has traditionally satisfied the sense of validation I needed, but I wasn't being myself.

You know, I'd feel anxious, like I needed to fit some mold to be a perfect partner. So, I'd appease whoever I was dating.

Because in the past, even in dating situations where I've been unhappy, the idea of losing someone was scary to me.

And I don't think that has anything to do with my upbringing but more of the dating dynamics I experienced earlier when I first came out.

So, we're gonna peel back the layers and get into that funness. But first, tarot time.

Tarot (3:38) 

Ooh. So, this is an interesting one for today's episode. We drew The Devil in reverse, which is a Major Arcana card.

As we've talked about in almost every episode, you know, Major Arcana are these big chapters of our lives, where Minor Arcana cards are more of like the day-to-day things we need to work on.

So, this is a really major card, and it's very scary-looking. In numerology, it's number 15, and, you know, obviously double digits, we add this together.

One plus five equals six, and number six in the Major Arcana is The Lovers. So, these two cards are kind of connected together.

And in astrology, it's tied to Capricorn, which is all about being ambitious, pessimistic, and responsible. And really, I think those are just three words that, you know, can perfectly describe me.

I'm just gonna throw that on my resume going forward. But when we draw this card, again, very scary. You know, we have the scary-looking winged devil, giant horns. It's a very dark card.

There's two lovers underneath him, naked and chained to one another. And traditionally, when you draw this card, it's about sabotage and addiction.

You know, self-sabotage, what we could be doing to hurt ourselves. But we drew this in reverse, which actually indicates that we're releasing something and feeling liberation in a sense.

So really, while this is a scary card, what we drew today is good. And, you know, I say that lightly because, obviously, no card is good or bad. It just, it is what it is.

But I think this is a pretty promising card. It's giving us a good sign, and it's pointing to a renewal of hope or abandonment of a toxic or unhealthy situation.

So, really, it's kind of signifying that we're going to be freed from something. Something that's been destructive and holding us back in life.

And this can be difficult, you know, we might have to make a difficult or unpopular decision that may not, you know, resonate well with everyone, but it's the right thing for us.

And we just need to trust our intuition that we're taking the right course of action.

Additionally, this card usually appears when we might be on the verge of a breakthrough or kind of leveling up, whether it's in a career, in life, in a relationship.

But really, that doesn't come without a cost. It's not just moving on to the next thing. Easy peasy. Everything's going to be great.

Usually, we have to let something go. We have to let go of an unhealthy attachment or behavior or something that's holding us back.

And it might be hard, but when we let that go, it'll make room for us going forward to move on to something bigger and better.

You know me, I love a Kylie Minogue reference. I'm pretty sure I've said this in like five of the tarot readings that we've gotten in the past, but it's like her song, it's Better the Devil You Know.

And again, that comes from the idiom, it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't know, meaning it's better to stay in a situation that you're not fulfilled with, that might be hurting you, that you're not completely happy with, because it's at least comfortable and going out there and trying something new is scary and unknown.

But really, this, this card is indicating that we need to trust that kind of uncomfortability of moving into the unknown because that will be what's best for us.

So really, when we draw this card, it's calling us to confront our inner fears and anxieties, to free ourselves from the chains of whatever's repressing us, similar to the chains we see on this card, and really just let go of any limiting beliefs and unhealthy attachments so that we can move on to bigger and better.

And so, with that in mind, let's talk abandonment issues.

What Are Abandonment Issues? (6:15)

And you know me, I love a good vocabulary lesson. So here we go.

According to a 2022 Forbes article, abandonment issues are a type of trauma that causes the fear of rejection or being alone. And negative experiences can cause individuals to develop these issues.

So basically, it's this persistent fear of rejection or isolation, and it's characterized by symptoms like codependency, insecure attachment styles, all of which we've covered in past episodes.

And as a reminder, codependency is defined as an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.

Attachment Styles & Abandonment Issues (6:45)

And those who have insecure attachment styles may be anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant.

And again, we talked about this in the attachment styles episode, but just to go over it real quick:

• Anxious preoccupied, that means that somebody is seeking high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from partners, becoming overly dependent on them.
• And fearful avoidant is when somebody has mixed feelings about close relationships, both desiring and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness.

And anxious preoccupied is characterized as having high anxiety and low avoidance. And fearful avoidant is characterized as high anxiety and high avoidance.

So again, obviously, you know the high anxiety, self-explanatory, you're anxious. The low avoidance, though, that means that you're not likely to run away from the situation.

You're going to stay in it and still feel anxious because you're dependent upon that person, whereas when you have high avoidance because you feel those high level of anxieties, odds are you're going to run and just leave the other person because it's too much for you to handle.

What Causes Abandonment Issues? (7:34)

And when it comes to abandonment issues, there is no singular cause.

Instead, a variety of experiences may be attributed to this, including:

• Physical or emotional neglect in childhood
• Feeling rejected by caregivers
• Witnessing persistent parental fighting or arguing
• Experiencing abuse
• Experiencing the death of a parent or caregiver
• Or being abandoned by a friend or loved one

Additionally, in a 2022 article, a Talkspace therapist had this to say about abandonment issues:

“Fear of abandonment is the fear or belief that you’ll be left behind by those you love. This can often leave you feeling unloved, insecure, inadequate, and unworthy of love. Fear of abandonment can come in several categories — the fear of being left by a romantic partner or of being deserted by your parents (or children as an older adult). It’s often caused by something traumatic happening in your past such as death of or being deserted by a parent or caregiver; neglect; feeling rejected by your peers; or being left suddenly by a romantic partner.”

So, let's look at some of the more specific scenarios that may cause abandonment issues.

So, this includes when a relationship ends suddenly or in an upsetting way, it can cause anxiety in future relationships.

Infidelity, divorce, neglect or abuse, and the death of a partner can all cause fear of abandonment.

If someone experiences childhood trauma, such as emotional neglect, violence, or abuse, it makes sense that it might be difficult for them to feel secure in future relationships.

Studies also confirm that children may develop abandonment issues if they're separated from a parent by divorce, incarceration, or death.

And remember how, in the emotional unavailability episode, we talked about how we seek out familiar relationship dynamics?

Well, if a past partner or even a primary caregiver engaged in harmful behaviors such as intimidation, dishonesty, manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional neglect, you might expect to see those behaviors in future relationships.

Additionally, the death of a loved one can cause deep and lasting grief and pain, causing us to feel terrified about losing others.

Or we may develop abandonment issues after a caregiver or romantic partner repeatedly fails to meet our emotional needs.

So, you can see there's kind of a wide spectrum about what may cause abandonment issues, whether it was a result of childhood neglect or from negative romantic experiences.

Symptoms of Abandonment Issues (9:43)

And these types of issues can result in both emotional and behavioral symptoms, including insecurity or anxiety in relationships.

You know, specifically, when someone doesn't feel secure in a relationship, it can put them on edge and leave them looking for signs of something wrong.

Additionally, they may have trouble regulating their emotions because of this extreme anxiety, and as a result, they may experience mood swings that can be very distressing and frequently lead to arguments.

Some other symptoms, you know, there's feelings of worthlessness, excessive neediness or clinginess, difficulty trusting others.

You know, someone with abandonment issues may find they're often jealous or question everything that their partner tells them.

They might also withdraw socially or engage in self-destructive behaviors, they may want to control others, and we can see a rise in codependent behaviors or going to extreme lengths to preserve a relationship.

So, they might engage in people-pleasing behaviors and may ignore their own needs and feel unsafe when they're not around their partner.

And this stems from a place of fearing that others won't want to be close to them.

And when it comes to going to extreme lengths to preserve a relationship, someone with abandonment issues might be afraid that they won't be able to find someone else, or believe that they don't deserve better treatment.

And so, they may refuse to leave their partner, even if they're being mistreated in an unhealthy relationship.

Or on the flip side, they may push people away, which ties back to the fearful avoidant attachment style we talked about earlier.

Gay Men & Abandonment Issues (11:00)

And I think the core theme of the fear of being rejected is pretty synonymous with the gay experience. You know, when we come to terms with our sexuality, there's a lot up in the air.

We don't know how others will respond to us coming out, and we may fear being rejected by our friends, our family, our government, our religion, the list goes on and on.

And then maybe we hope to find acceptance in our community or in who we date. But when it comes to dating, gay men may struggle with intimacy, attachment, and emotional availability.

So, if we begin dating these people, hoping for acceptance, but are kept at an arm's length away, then we may feel rejected by our own community.

And if this dating pattern becomes repeated, maybe we start equating dating with rejection.

Now in the realm of gay men and abandonment issues, in a 2015 article, Dr. Richard Travis stated that he believes many gay men struggle with abandonment issues. Here's an excerpt:

“Most gay men are not conscious that from a very early age, they are “pegged” to be gay and are actually treated differently by family and friends. Most of this different treatment is not necessarily a conscious choice by family, it just happens. Is there statistical proof that this happens? No. This is more of an observational and anecdotal view on the author’s part.

At any rate, this feeling that gay men are being treated differently leaves them with a feeling of being abandoned by family and friends that seems to treat their siblings differently. Of course, many people in the field of psychology know that most people who suffer from abandonment issues have big trust issues, and therefore they either are “clingy” and needy, or aloof and guarded. These men do not necessarily make the best relationship material.”

Daddy Issues & Abandonment Issues (12:34)

And this different treatment by family and friends can tie into daddy issues.

Now, full disclosure, I think there's enough material on daddy issues to do a full episode, which I'm hoping to do in the future.

But just to touch upon this concept as it relates to abandonment issues, Gino Cosme, a licensed LGBT therapist and gay counselor, asserts that it's not uncommon for gay men to fear being abandoned by any man who enters their lives because of the lack of emotional connection between father and gay son growing up.

And I know Dr. Alan Downs touches upon this in The Velvet Rage.

Again, I want to save that for the daddy issues episode, but essentially, I believe he said that traditionally, the dynamic between a mother and heterosexual son, or a father and heterosexual daughter teach them how to have an emotional connection that will carry over into adulthood.

But for gay sons, their fathers tend to back off emotionally when they start to realize their son is gay, and because of that, the mother overcompensates emotionally, which doesn't help the gay son in adulthood, since they never had that father-son emotional connection that taught them how to have an emotional connection with a man.

And according to psychologists, gay men who felt unloved and abandoned by a father figure are usually:

More emotionally detached

They struggle to establish solid and lasting, effective bonds. In addition, many children of emotionally unavailable fathers repeat this behavior when they become parents.

Additionally, they might feel more insecure

Due to the emotional suffering caused by the absence of the father, they are people who are more afraid of disappointment and abandonment.

And fear of abandonment can generate enormous emotional dependence on other people

Additionally, they typically have lower self-esteem

You know, paternal rejection compromises self-esteem and leaves a void that is difficult to fill.

They are more likely to have some psychological disorder

And often the suffering generated by an absent father can have several psychological consequences, such as depression, anxiety, and anorexia.

They are more likely to enter into toxic relationships

Due to low self-esteem and effective deprivation, people with no father present may have problems establishing healthy relationships, and this is due to the fear of losing someone they love again.

So many cannot cut certain harmful bonds, and they end up living in abusive and unhappy adult relationships.

And lastly, they're more prone to addictions

You know, many children of absent parents try to compensate for this deficiency in another way, including being addicted to drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, something like that.

And even if a gay son wasn't emotionally abandoned by their father, odds are they may still have a strained relationship with one or both of their parents.

Again, just because we weren't rejected by our parents doesn't mean they understand the adversity we face as gay men.

In fact, in 2021, a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that LGBTQ adults do extensive work to maintain their intergenerational bonds conflict work, which is defined as the effort done to manage severe conflict in a way that ensures family functioning, often at the expense of the LGBTQ person's own needs.

And that sounds very similar to the people-pleasing piece we talked about in codependent behaviors associated with abandonment issues.

So, with all that being said, I'm sure no one is shocked to hear that suffering from abandonment issues can cause anxiety and depression and negatively interfere with interpersonal relationships.

Whether it was being rejected by our families or dating toxic people, a lot of us probably have a touch of abandonment issues.

And you know, I love to talk about how we as gay men need to break the cycle of hurt.

Heal from Abandonment Issues (15:43)

So, what can we do if we think we may have abandonment issues?

Well, unsurprisingly, the number one answer is—say it with me—get a therapist.

Specifically, seek a professional who practices attachment-based therapy. This type of therapy will help you:

• Discover your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships
• Learn how to form secure attachments with others
• Develop your emotional regulation skills
• Find out whether a personality disorder or anxiety disorder is causing your abandonment anxiety
• And heal from trauma or childhood experiences that contribute to your fear of abandonment

Now it's important to note, this is attachment-based therapy and not attachment therapy.

When I was working on the show notes for this, one of the articles mentioned not to confuse this with attachment therapy, which attachment therapy is an unsafe practice that uses unconventional means, such as restraints, to address attachment issues.

So again, attachment-based therapy. That is what you're looking for.

Additionally, a PsychCentral article listed some additional types of therapy that can help you identify where your abandonment anxiety comes from. And these include:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, also known as DBT

In DBT, you can learn emotional regulation skills and self-soothing techniques. It's also a common treatment for borderline personality disorder.

There's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

And this focuses on helping you identify your attachment style and how it influences the way you relate to others.

And lastly, there's Psychodynamic Therapy

This approach could help you manage some personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder.

Psychodynamic therapy may also help you recognize behavior patterns linked to your abandonment anxiety.

And this next one usually goes hand in hand with therapy: self-discovery.

Learning about yourself can help you identify how abandonment anxiety impacts your thoughts and actions.

And while you'll probably be doing this in therapy, you can also practice self-discovery on your own. For example, you can keep a log of your feelings and events that may be causing your abandonment issues.

You can curiously check in with yourself when you feel a surge of emotion. You can start with something like, wow, this is a strong feeling. What memories or fears could be at the root of this?

Also, try reading up on attachment theory and consider what attachment style you've developed.

And, using a workbook, you can identify situations that induce your fear of abandonment so you can be better prepared with coping techniques.

In addition to therapy, self-care is extremely important in addressing abandonment issues because, when you're practicing self-care, you're making sure your emotional needs are met.

And this is crucial for cultivating healthy relationships, whether platonic or romantic. And lastly, don't forget to show yourself some compassion.

Viewing yourself first with kindness instead of judgment can help you combat shame and other thoughts that may come up alongside your abandonment anxiety.

And a couple ways to do this are by challenging negative self-talk and using mindfulness meditation.

Episode Closing (18:17)

And connecting it back to the tarot, I think a lot of us do suffer from a touch of abandonment issues.

And obviously, you know, there's a wide spectrum of what that might look like, so maybe for some of us, it's stronger than others.

And it's no surprise because as gay men, I feel rejection is a pretty consistent theme that we experience on our day-to-day.

You know, whether it's from family or friends or men we date or, you know, anti-LGBTQ legislation we see, I feel rejection is just ever-present.

And while everyone gay or straight experiences rejection, I think for us, as gay men, we're more in tune to it, because it is a more consistent theme in our lives.

And because of that, we may have developed some, you know, unhealthy coping behaviors. We might have built up emotional walls. We might push people away.

We might seek out people who are emotionally unavailable, just because it feels a little bit safer not getting too deep and vulnerable with somebody.

But if we're truly looking for a lasting romantic relationship, healthy dating patterns, or even just being able to have healthy interpersonal dynamics with people within our community, we really need to work on letting go of these behaviors and saying goodbye to our abandonment issues.

Like we see in The Devil reversed, we're on the brink of greatness. We're getting ready to move on to a great situation. It's going to be very positive for us, with a lot of great opportunities and outcomes.

But to get to that state, we have to put in the work.

So, we need to say goodbye to any unhealthy attachments, whether it's our own behaviors or people we have in our lives or situations we found ourselves in.

We need to say goodbye to all the unhealthy pieces holding us back so we can move on to bigger and better.

And again, you know, I think with some episodes, some of the things we talk about, it's easier to do the work on your own.

But with something as big as abandonment issues, I really do think therapy is a crucial component for healing and moving on from that.

So hopefully, you know, through talking through this, that might have sparked something in you.

Maybe you're interested in pursuing, you know, professional help with somebody who practices one of the therapy styles we talked about.

But at the very least, definitely work on being kinder to yourself, having some self-compassion. So, I hope you found this helpful.

I know it's a heavy topic, but I think it's something that's really important to address. And I know last week's episode was a little heavier, you know, a little, ended on a little bit of like, a pessimistic note I feel.

So, I try to balance out the episode so it's not too heavy too frequently. So next week will be a lighter episode.

It'll be a lot more fun. I don't want to give it away yet. I mean, you'll know shortly what it'll be. But next week's gonna be lighter and a lot more fun.

So hopefully then you'll have some time to decompress between the heavy episodes.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (20:27)

But as always, thank you for listening. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and SoundCloud @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally on Instagram @rob_loveless.

You can also become a supporter of the show on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That's @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye, bye, bye. Bye-bye.

Outtake (21:22)

And these include dialectal behavior.

Oh, jeez, I should have rehearsed this ahead of time. I feel like I say that every episode.