38. Learning to Accept Kindness

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Like, be nice to me, but not too nice, because that makes me uncomfortable. But if you're not nice enough to me, then I'm gonna assume you hate me. And what a fun cycle we're in.

Episode Introduction (0:28)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. And welcome to 2023. I'm Rob Loveless, and today, I am a non-jaded gay because the podcast is growing. Literally, I'm in shock.

So, this is a little bit of late news. For starters, back in December, the week of December 7, A Jaded Gay on Apple Podcasts' Sexuality charts was number 10 in the UK, which was huge for me.

Also, I was checking, and the show has more than, like, 170 followers. And according to my Spotify Wrapped, apparently, A Jaded Gay was in the top 10% most shared globally.

So, I cannot believe it, and thank you for everyone who's been following the show, who's been engaging with it online and has been sharing it with your friends.

Like when I started this less than a year ago, I was obviously hoping it would be successful, but I never expected to get this kind of engagement this early on.

So, I really appreciate it. And I'm excited to say that the podcast is continuing to grow.

Announcing Patreon & Social Channels (1:23)

So, a few new things for 2023, which I'm very excited about. For starters, we are on YouTube and SoundCloud. You can check it out @ajadedgaypod.

You know, I like to keep it consistent across all the handles. But on there, both on YouTube and SoundCloud, it'll just kind of be snippets about, like, you know, the main point of each episode, ranging anywhere from, like, three to eight minutes.

So, just kind of synopses of the episode, not the full episode. But on YouTube, you get some fun little, you know, graphics there, too.

And additionally, I'm excited to announce that I have started a Patreon. So, full disclosure, this is an indie podcast. I pay for everything.

So, I decided to create a Patreon to see if anybody was interested in donating to the show to help offset some of those costs. Additionally, there's things I'd like to do in the future, like maybe do more video or get better equipment.

But obviously, that costs money, so any donation you could put forward would be great. We have three tiers.

The first tier is the Jaded Gay tier. It's just $1. It's simple, general support, so no fancy features, but just giving me $1 a month. Thank you.

Second tier is the Non-Jaded Gay tier, which is $3 a month. If you choose that, you will have access to episodes a day early on Patreon, and they'll be ad-free.

And then, the top tier, for $5 a month, is the LGBTQutie tier. And with that, you'll get the same benefits as the Non-Jaded Gay tier, but on top of that, you'll also get the ability to get a personalized shout-out from me in future episodes.

So, hopefully, there's some fun incentives for you there. Again, any donations you could put forward, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Regardless, I'll still be putting out episodes every week, but think about donating anyway.

Learning to Accept Kindness (2:53)

Since this is the first episode of the new year, I thought we'd go back to basics. I hope you like the reference. If you know, you know.

And I debated trying to belt that one out for you, but I figured let's start off the new year on the right foot and not alienate all my listeners because nobody wants to hear that. But yes, back to basics.

So, at the start of the new year, people might feel like it's a fresh start. And they may be thinking they want to dip their toes back into the dating pool.

But like we talked about last week, if we aren't addressing and resolving issues from the past, then we're just going to carry that negativity with us going forward.

And a lot of people want to date a great, nice guy, but when said guy comes around, they tend to close off and maybe reject the kindness, which seems counterintuitive, but a lot of us, myself included, are guilty of this.

I mean, it's definitely something I struggled with when I was younger, and think I've gotten better with it as the years have gone on.

But if we're afraid of accepting kindness, then we're going to continue being unsuccessful in dating.

So, in this episode, we're going to address why some guys are uncomfortable with this and how we can learn to accept kindness.

But first tarot time.

Tarot (3:56) 

And for this episode, it's going to be a little different. Since it is the start of 2023, instead of drawing a card, I'm going to pull the card for 2023.

So, if we add up all the numbers, two plus zero plus two plus three, we get seven. And that is The Chariot. So, this card, I'd like it to kind of be representative for us going forward for what the year will be.

And really, this card is tied to just taking inspired action and momentum going forward.

And in numerology, the number seven is tied to personal growth, planning, assessing, and it's kind of like the transformation number within the tarot. You know, I feel like we're getting ready to evolve.

And in astrology, it's tied to Cancer, which is very nurturing, and protective, and intuitive. So, when we get this card, it's indicating that we're about to take the first steps of a journey.

So maybe it's literal, we're going somewhere. Maybe it's just, you know, our career goals going forward, relationship goals, whatever it is, we're getting ready to move forward on some kind of life journey.

But what's really important to note is that we're not rushing forward into this. The Chariot card isn't showing that we're racing right through this relationship.

It's indicating that we're taking those first steps of the journey. So, we're at the very beginning of this, kind of the planning preparation phase.

And so instead of just kind of sprinting into motion, this card's asking us to have clear intention.

You know, set our goals, be focused, and create a plan of what we want to achieve and how we're going to do that.

It's a sign of willpower, determination, and strength, and it's really calling us to be courageous and not be afraid. Let's let go of those inhibitions. You know, trust our instincts, trust our intuition.

We have to take the path forward that's best for us, but we can't just jump into it and race ahead and hope for the best results. We need a plan. We need to prepare, and we need to take action.

So, with that in mind, you know, going back to accepting kindness for today's episode, this is really kind of like the building block for hopefully the year.

You know, we're gonna learn how to accept kindness into ourselves, whether it's through, you know, relationships with family members, co-workers, romantic relationships.

But really, like, let's start with this and really build upon it. This is our first step into creating a healthier, kinder year for ourselves.

So, without further ado, let's get into the topic.

Why Gay Men May Avoid Kindness in Relationships (5:48)

You know, we've been taught to be kind to others. We've seen the Disney movies and romcoms with the big romantic gestures.

But then, when a guy shows up for a first date with flowers, our alarm bells go off. And why is that?

Well, I'm sure you know the answer. Say it with me: trauma.

I'm going to start off with an excerpt from an article published in The Conversation titled Trauma Makes Us Shun Kindness When We Need It the Most:

"It seems intuitive that many of us would fear and avoid emotions such as anger and anxiety. But some people fear positive emotions such as happiness and contentment and of accepting the compassion, kindness, and support of others. If you grow up in an environment characterized by threat, for example, allowing yourself to experience or trust these feelings means letting your guard down and being caught out. In this context, positive emotions become a risky business.”

So, way back when, in the interpersonal vulnerability episode, we talked about how we, as gay men, have repressed our authentic selves and hidden our emotions because heteronormative society told us that we were bad, wrong, dirty, flawed, all that fun stuff.

And so, when the time comes for us to form a romantic relationship, we have to lower our guard and reveal those parts that we've hidden for so long, which can be really difficult.

Additionally, we may have seen straight peers making fun of gay couples and bullying LGBTQ+ individuals, or we may have experienced our own hardships as gay men when it comes to dating.

So, it's really no surprise that because of those factors, we don't trust those positive, hopeful feelings we develop that naturally occur when dating.

It's like, we get anxious if we feel too good or too comfortable. In addition to this gay trauma, being loved and accepting kindness are difficult for anyone, gay or straight.

According to Psych Alive, being loved can stir up several uncomfortable emotions.

For starters, it can arouse anxiety because it threatens long-standing psychological defenses formed early in life in relation to emotional pain and rejection.

And as a result, being loved leaves us feeling more vulnerable, which can be frightening. And sometimes, this fear turns into anger and hostility, which may cause someone to hurt their lover.

You know, for example, they may distance themselves from their partner, or they might push them away.

My Experiences with Vulnerability (7:47)

For myself, personally, way back when, years ago, I was dating this guy, and you know, I talked about it before, how I was, like, super anxious with dating him. He was a little bit more reserved.

But, you know, I was trying to really, kind of open myself up to him and really kind of express my feelings and be a little bit more verbal to let him know how I was feeling.

And you know, at this point, we had only been dating a couple months, so like, we never had, like, the define the relationship conversation or anything.

But I noticed he had seemed a little withdrawn, so I tried to, kind of, like, take matters into my own hands.

And when we were kissing goodbye the one night, you know, we pulled away, and I said to him, I really like you. And he had a visible reaction, and kind of, like, looked a little off put and, like, was like, okay.

So that felt great. And then a couple weeks later, we were talking through things because I was telling him, you know, how I felt anxious and like, you know, I felt like there was a little like wedge between us.

And he kind of was telling me some of the things that kind of annoyed him. And the one thing he said was, you know, you don't need to tell me you really like me. I know you really like me.

And I was, like, off put by that because, honestly, you know, yeah, I'm sure because I'm texting you back and being romantic with you and stuff, you know that, but sometimes it's nice to hear that.

And also, I was hoping that you might reciprocate and take that as a sign to kind of be a little bit more verbal and show a little bit more of your vulnerable self, too.

Which never happened. I got dumped, you know. Let's cry about it and move on.

Being Loved Can Trigger Negative Feelings from the Past (8:57)

Anyway, I found this really interesting, too. Being loved triggers feelings of sadness and pain from the past.

Specifically, close moments with a partner can activate memories of painful childhood experiences, fears of abandonment, and feelings of loneliness from the past.

And this is because people are afraid of being hurt in the same way they were as children. Also, we talked about how self-deprecating humor can lead to negative self-beliefs about oneself.

Well, if we hold negative self-concepts, then being loved creates a kind of identity crisis because it contradicts our own perception of ourself. Here's a quote:

"However painful it may be, people are somehow willing to accept failure or rejection because these are harmonious with the incorporated negative view of themselves, whereas the intrusion of being loved or having positive responses directed toward them is disruptive of their psychological equilibrium.”

Also, this next one isn't a quick quote. This is going to be a full-on excerpt because I found this whole passage really interesting, and I know I wouldn't do it justice by trying to summarize it myself.

So here we go:

"Accepting being loved in reality disconnects people from a fantasy bond with their parents. Early in life, children develop fantasies of being fused with a parent or primary caregiver to compensate for what is emotionally missing in their environment.

The imagined connection offers a sense of safety, partially gratifies the child’s needs, and relieves painful feelings of emotional deprivation and rejection.

This fantasy persists into adult life, although it may be largely unconscious. As a result, the hurt individual maintains a sense of pseudo-independence, an attitude that they can take care of themselves without a need for others.

As a result of merging with their parents in their imagination, people continue to both nurture and punish themselves in the same way they were treated by their parents.

In addition, as love relationships become more meaningful, deep, and threatening, people tend to revert to utilizing the same defense mechanisms that their parents used to avoid pain.

Reacting in a manner similar to their parents offers a sense of safety, regardless of any negative consequences.

Once the fantasy bond takes hold, people are extremely reluctant to take a chance again on real love and gratification from a romantic partner."

And rounding out this lovely segment, accepting love can stir up an existential crisis because the experience of being loved makes us place more value on our life.

And as a result, we fear the end of being loved as if it might devalue our life or our worth.

Additionally, Psych Central explains that receiving kindness is harder than giving it because we have defenses against intimacy, and we have to let go of control and be vulnerable.

We might also believe it's selfish to receive and feel a self-imposed pressure to reciprocate.

Also, in a 2020 Psychology Today article, Dr. John Amodeo notes that in typical Western culture, men are trained to be independent and project an image of being strong.

And as such, accepting kindness may contradict the societal norm, which may result in feeling shame.

So, you can see between our own shame from growing up gay to feeling like we don't adhere to societal gender norms, along with general difficulties people have with vulnerability, we have this layered complexity that keeps us from accepting kindness, even though we desire it because it feels uncomfortable.

Fears of Compassion Scale (11:52)

According to a Psychology Today article, people who are most afraid of compassion can come to see people offering help as dangerous or malicious as mistrust gives way to paranoia and projection.

And believe it or not, there is actually a Fears of Compassion scale, which is comprised of three subscales:

1. Number one, expressing compassion for others
2. Two, responding to compassion from others
3. And three, expressing kindness and compassion towards yourself

And the study that developed this Fears of Compassion scale found a number of factors as to why people are afraid of responding to compassion from others.

Here's a few, and most of these are I statements taken from the study:

• Wanting others to be kind to oneself is a sign of weakness.
• I feel that when I need people to be kind and understanding, they won't be.
• I'm fearful of becoming dependent on the care from others because they might not always be available or willing to give it.
• I often wonder whether displays of warmth and kindness from others are genuine.
• Feelings of kindness from others are somehow frightening.
• When people are kind and compassionate towards me, I feel anxious or embarrassed.
• If people are friendly and kind, I worry they will find out something bad about me that will change their mind.
• I worry that people are only kind and compassionate if they want something from me.
• When people are kind and compassionate towards me, I feel empty and sad.
• If people are kind, I feel they are getting too close.
• Even though other people are kind to me, I have rarely felt warmth from my relationships with others.
• I try to keep my distance from others, even if I know they are kind.
• If I think someone is being kind and caring towards me, I put up a barrier.

And hearing those put bluntly like that, it might sound irrational, but how many of us have felt that way without being able to put the words to our feelings?

You know, I think a lot of these statements reflect what we talked about earlier regarding feeling like we're not worthy of affection and kindness and that we have a natural defense when people are kind toward us.

And that's a problem in general, but especially if we put it in the scope of a romantic relationship.

How to Accept Kindness (13:40)

If we want to establish a healthy romantic relationship, then we need to learn how to accept kindness and be vulnerable.

Otherwise, we're going to end up dating people who are no good for us and who may only hurt us more, and then reinforce the idea that we need to stay protected by not accepting kindness.

So how can we do that? Well, I think some of this goes back to overcoming internalized homophobia.

And as a reminder, in 1998, Ilan Meyer and Laura Dean published a research article in Stigma and Sexual Orientation titled Internalized Homophobia, Intimacy, and Sexual Behavior among Gay and Bisexual Men, and they defined internalized homophobia as the gay person's direction of negative social attitudes toward the self.

And this, of course, comes from being raised in a heteronormative society that told us we were bad and wrong for our sexuality.

And if you haven't listened to that episode yet, I've linked it in the show notes, so definitely check it out as it ties to this.

But, Reader's Digest version, the Gay Therapy Center published a list of 30 ways to combat internalized homophobia, and I'm going to read off a few of them as they relate to being kinder to ourselves:

• Find friends in the community who you identify with and understand it may take a while
• Try detaching from your thoughts to assess if you're being illogical and self-critical
• If you have judgmental/non-affirming family members, learn to love them from afar so you're not constantly exposing yourself to their criticism
• Work with an LGBTQ-affirming therapist or life coach

Additionally, a Psychology Today article listed these methods we can use to be kinder to ourself:

• Look in the mirror and say, I love you
• Speak to yourself in a kind tone like you would to a friend
• If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up
• Look at your current life and routine and see what you've been doing to care for yourself
• Ask yourself what you need
• And be kind to yourself and practice acts of self-compassion

And when it comes to accepting kindness from others, it might feel a little uncomfortable at first, so start small.

And one of the easiest things you can do to start allowing yourself to accept kindness is by learning to accept a compliment.

According to Psych Alive, we may struggle with accepting compliments because, deep down, our inner critic might be telling us that we're unworthy of the kind words being offered to us.

And when we're self-critical, our stress and anxiety increases. But it's important to note that our inner critic is actually trying to help us by kind of acting like a guardian, working to detect threats to ourself.

But at the same time, our inner critic can be overactive, which causes us trouble. So, it's important to use self-compassion to calm our inner critic.

And by doing that, we can truly know and accept our core self and allow ourselves to receive compliments. And this is important because compliments are crucial for relationships.

According to the article, it is a way of deepening a loving bond with your partner and can also support the process of healing from trauma.

Additionally, a 2015 Rookie Magazine article titled How to Accept Kindness, states that real compliments come with no strings attached. The person giving them wants nothing from you.

Take the kind remarks at face value without assuming there's an ulterior motive.

And keep this in mind, if you constantly reject people's compliments, your brain is going to start automatically coming up with excuses as to why you can't possibly accept kindness because that's the pattern you're training it to follow.

And to close this episode off on a positive note, I'm going to read a really powerful excerpt from a 2017 Yahoo article about how accepting kindness doesn't make you selfish:

"I’d measured kindness like money or a commodity or a service — something to be earned, paid for, and reciprocated.

But therein lies my challenge: Kindness is not money or a commodity or a service. It is love, and to bestow it requires no more than that.

There is no pre-qualifying application to decide who is and isn’t worthy of receiving it, nor is there a running tally of who is the most kind.

We are all worthy of kindness by our mere humanity — myself included. I used to think that I had to be someone’s best friend or in dire straits to deserve kindness.

Either I earned it, or I needed it. To discourage or deflect acts of kindness in a world so hungry for love would be a sin.

Instead of saying, 'You really shouldn’t have' when a friend gives me a birthday gift, all I need to say is 'thank you' and be grateful. There’s joy in giving, but I’ve finally discovered the joy in receiving.”

Episode Closing (17:32)

So, like I said at the top of the episode, I think this is really important for us to focus on, work on, and incorporate in our daily lives for the year ahead and beyond.

Because really, this is kind of like the fundamental building block. You know, we need to learn to accept kindness if we want to form lasting relationships.

And again, not purely romantic, but, you know, just deeper relationships with our family and friends. But especially in the scope of a romantic relationship, we need to learn to accept kindness and not be distrusting of others unless they've given us a reason not to trust them.

We can't let ghosts from the past haunt us in the moment and keep us from building a future with someone going forward.

And tying it to The Chariot, we're at the beginning of a new journey. Literally, the beginning of a new year, but a new path forward.

So, what are you wanting to achieve this year? Either personally, professionally, maybe romantically? This is where we start out, and this is where we're taking the first steps.

And by allowing ourselves to accept kindness, that's really kind of giving us that first little push forward so we can step out into the world and begin this journey for the year ahead.

So, once you're done listening to this, I hope you're all going to start working on practicing self-compassion and being a little bit kinder to yourself. Being a little kinder to everyone else.

We can use more kindness in the world. But most importantly, I hope you found this uplifting and you're excited and ready for the year ahead.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (18:41)

And quick butt plug, like I said the beginning of the episode, I did set up the Patreon. Please, if you're able to, I'd really appreciate if you could donate at any tier. Again, as low as $1 a month or as high as $5 a month.

Anyway, thank you all for listening. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. Five stars only. Be sure to share the podcast with your friends.

If you have any feedback or questions, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com. You can follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, YouTube @ajadedgaypod.

You can also become a monthly donor on Patreon @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (19:42)

Again, as low as $1 a month, or as high as $5 a month. $5, that's literally like a Starbucks coffee.

So, I mean, it's essentially like you taking me out on a date. But giving me money, and then I never see you.

Which, honestly, doesn't sound so bad given my past dating.