33. Self-Deprecating Humor: Am I Crying or Laughing?

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Sookie St. James once asked, "Am I crying or laughing?" And that rings true for me.

That's the power of self-deprecation, baby.

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because just yesterday, I started writing a new book, and I'm really excited about it.

You know, since the summer, I've been writing things here and there. You know, had a bunch of book ideas, been trying to get some things started, wrote a few early chapters for some stuff.

And while I'm looking forward to writing those stories, I haven't really been feeling a ton of motivation. But this new idea came to me. I started writing yesterday, and the words just flowed out.

I'm excited. I have some planning done for it, and I'm really looking forward to getting back into a project where I can just consistently write. And I'm excited to see where the story goes.

And it's going to be dark and humorous because, you know, I'm all about comedy.

And speaking of which, today I wanted to talk about humor, more specifically, self-deprecating humor.

Self-Deprecating Humor (1:14)

You know, we've seen stereotypical representation in the media, where there's the sassy gay sidekicks with campy humor and quick wit.

And in real life, I feel a lot of straight people kind of expect gay people to exhibit that kind of behavior to an extent.

And I'm sure we've all witnessed scenarios where the basic white girl is around a gaggle of gays and is like, hahaha, oh my god, you're so funny. And we're like, thanks. It's our trauma.

But in all seriousness, we all have varying senses of humor, but a lot of people, gay or straight, tend to deploy self-deprecating humor. And that can be fine. I'm all about self-awareness.

But we know that humor can sometimes be a coping mechanism, and unfortunately, we may be verbalizing some insecurities through our self-deprecating humor, which can actually affect our mental health.

So, we're going to take a look into that. But first, let's pull our tarot.

Tarot (2:00)

So, the card for this episode is The Sun in reverse, and that's a Major Arcana card. In The Fool's Journey, it's number 19.

As you know, in numerology, we add double digits together. So, one plus nine equals 10, and then one plus zero equals one.

And interestingly enough, with the numbers one and 10 coming up, it's tied to The Magician at the start of the Major Arcana and The Wheel of Fortune, which is number 10 in the Major Arcana.

And also, you can see, kind of with both of those, number one is the beginning of a cycle, a new journey, and 10 is the end of a cycle. So, we're really kind of getting both ends of the spectrum here.

And in astrology, you know, the sun is seen as our life force energy. You know, it's revitalizing, renewing. It gives us the energy to build and grow.

But when we draw this card in reverse, it can indicate that we're feeling pessimistic or even confused. And if we're feeling pessimistic, The Sun in reverse, is calling our inner child to come out and play.

We need to nurture that inner child. You know, sometimes, as adults, we get lost in the hustle and bustle of our day-to-day responsibilities and our checklists that we need to get done, that we forget to make time for ourselves and to have fun.

And if we neglect that part of ourselves for too long, we're going to grow pessimistic and bitter and cold and ultimately jaded.

And, you know, can also indicate that we might be struggling to see the brighter side of life or the silver lining in any situation we're in.

You know, we might be experiencing some setbacks or in a difficult time, or it might be a transition that we're kind of having trouble navigating.

And it might be easier to focus on the negatives and the uncertainty that can make us feel uneasy and anxious, but you kind of need to think of letting the sun shine on the situation to really reveal the whole situation.

And in doing that, we can see the good.

Every situation, there's going to be good aspects and bad aspects. Even if we're in transition, while things might be difficult, there is ultimately opportunity on the horizon.

We might be getting ready to move into a better situation, a new situation, something that's going to excite us and reinvigorate us.

But in the moment when we don't have the answers, we might be feeling uncertain and pessimistic. So really, with this card, we need to remember that it's not all bad.

We can't fear the uncertainty. We also need to look for the opportunities within the sunlight.

What is Self-Deprecating Humor? (3:52)

So, with that being said, let's kick off the episode by breaking down what self-deprecating humor is. And specifically, we're going to look at what the phrase self-deprecating means.

So, according to Merriam-Webster, it's defined as tending or serving to disparage or undervalue oneself. And acts of self-deprecation can include reprimanding or belittling oneself for perceived failures or flaws.

So right off the bat, that's kind of a not-so-great thing. But then we add the word humor to the phrase, and it seems to lighten things up on the surface.

And bringing it home to Pittsburgh, the University of Pittsburgh's Supporting Our Valued Adolescents group, referred to as SOVA, is a research project that aims to study how to help young people with depression and anxiety.

And in a 2019 article, they explain that self-deprecating humor is seen all the time in sitcoms and stand-up, and the best way to describe this form of humor is Chandler Bing from Friends.

And here's a quick quote from the article:

“Self-deprecating humor is a form of self-awareness, but the person using that humor only points out what they think are negative things or things they don’t like about themselves, but says it aloud in a funny, joking way.

You can joke about something you don’t like about yourself physically, something about your personality, or it can even be as straightforward as sarcastically saying something like, 'Anyone else in this room hate themselves too?'”

And while this form of humor isn't new, these types of jokes are constant on social media.

Additionally, in an Arcadia University blog post, one student wrote the following about self-deprecating humor:

“In my social circle, humor has a tendency to revolve around self-depreciation. One of the most common responses to “Why did you do this?” is often something like, “Because I’m a disaster and don’t know what I’m doing!”

This sense of self-depreciation is deeply ingrained in many of my peers as well as myself and, despite it being presented as humor, I often find I cannot tell the difference between joke and truth. I have found that, when discussing strong emotions, many millennials feel uncomfortable expressing emotional intimacy without making a joke out of it.

Any hint of vulnerability often cannot be spoken with sincerity, but is instead offset by sarcasm, jokes, and self-depreciation, which usually work in tandem with each other.”

Humor & Self-Esteem (5:48)

Now, a lot of us experience self-deprecating humor on a daily basis. We see it on TV, or our friends make a joke, or maybe we're even making the jokes about ourselves.

So why do we do it? Are we just being funny, or is it a sign of a deeper issue? Well, to understand this, we're going to take a look at self-esteem and how it ties to humor.

In 1999, Mark Leary published an article titled Making Sense of Self-Esteem in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science.

In it, he discovered the concept of the sociometer theory, which suggests that the self-esteem system evolved as a monitor of social acceptance.

So, he goes on to assert that human beings possess quote-unquote a pervasive drive to maintain significant interpersonal relationships.

And this drive was born because early humans who belonged to social groups were more likely to survive and reproduce than those who didn't.

Think about it. You have your community and shared resources, but if you become a social pariah, you're kicked out of the group and have to fend for yourself.

So basically, the sociometer theory claims that self-esteem is a psychological meter or gauge that monitors the quality of relationships with others.

And the sociometer continuously monitors our social situations for cues regarding the degree that we are either being accepted or rejected by others.

Here's a quote:

“The sociometer appears to be particularly sensitive to changes in relational evaluation—the degree to which others regard their relationship with the individual as valuable, important, or close. When evidence of low relational evaluation (particularly, a decrement in relational evaluation) is detected, the sociometer attracts the person's conscious attention to the potential threat to social acceptance and motivates him or her to deal with it.”

Lots of big words there, but what I took from that is it's like a fight or flight thing.

If we sense our relationships are faltering, if we fear rejection in social situations, then we are going to do something to deal with it and try to gain back the social acceptance.

And this is where humor, in the general sense, comes in.

Humor as a Coping Mechanism (7:35)

According to Psych Central, being humorous can have positive effects on health and is viewed as a type of coping mechanism that helps offset the burden of stressful emotions.

And basically, a coping mechanism is any behavior we carry out in response to a stressor.

And coping mechanisms are sorted into four categories, and they are:

• Problem-focused, which are behaviors that seek to address the problem causing the stress
• And meaning-focused, which attempts to understand the meaning of the stressful situation
• Support-seeking, which is calling upon family, friends, or medical professionals to help manage the stressful situation
• And lastly, emotion-focused, which are behaviors that aim to manage or reduce stressful emotions

And humor falls into the emotion-focused coping bucket. And as a coping mechanism, it can be considered healthy or unhealthy.

A few types of healthy humor are:

Affiliative

You can think of this style as good-natured, lighthearted, jolly humor.

It includes things such as funny stories and clever, witty jokes that most people would find funny and take no offense to.

There's also positive reappraisal

And this is when you try to identify humorous aspects of a stressful situation. It basically helps to shift your perspective of the situation from a threat to a positive challenge.

And lastly, there’s self-enhancing

This is similar to positive reappraisal, and it generally refers to maintaining a funny outlook on life, laughing at yourself for small failures, or privately finding humor in the oddities of daily life.

Meanwhile, negative humor includes aggressive jokes, which is when you're making jokes at the expense of others, and self-defeating or self-deprecating humor.

And beyond stressful situations, humor can be used to cope with trauma.

Here's a quick excerpt:

“A 2015 study examined the relationship between humor and psychological trauma in over 200 victims of terror attacks. Researchers found that healthy humor styles used in this instance were associated with less trauma symptoms. Humor can be used to change your perspective of the trauma from serious to lighthearted, which may help to regulate stressful emotions. In short, laughing and making light of matters that feel serious or heavy may help relieve the emotional effects of the trauma.”

And I'm sure you all picked up on the million-dollar buzzword there. Say it with me: trauma.

Or, if you're Jamie Lee Curtis, trowma.

Queer Resiliency Through Humor (9:36)

We talk about this almost every episode. We all struggle with it to some extent, you know, with shame and trauma of growing up gay, growing up different.

And so, for many of us, we've turned to humor as a coping mechanism.

And this isn't just a coping mechanism for us as individuals, but it's something that has been embraced by the gay community for decades.

In a 2019 Psychology Today article, author John-Manuel Andriote claims that humor has played a central role in gay men's resiliency and that gay men have relied on their sense of humor to get them through tough times.

For example, he explains that camp humor, which uses irony and theatricality to mock the artifice of polite society, was developed in the 1920s as a way for gay men to express their anger at their marginalization and the loss of their male status that came from being grouped with women.

Here's a quick quote:

“At a time when gay men had few legal options to assert their equal citizenship and full humanity, camp was a way of fighting back and not allowing others’ victimizing actions and words to make them victims.”

And in the early 1990s, gay men living with HIV and AIDS put out a 'zine titled Diseased Pariah News.

In an effort to silence the stigmatizing language that was often used for people living with HIV and AIDS, the 'zine used biting, jagged humor to underscore the point that the people living with HIV and AIDS were not victims.

In closing, Andriote writes:

“From camp to gallows humor, we gay men know a thing or several about using humor to subvert and curtail the power of people, and even a plague, to hurt us by refusing to let them make us their victims.”

And regarding gay men and self-deprecating humor, in 1986, Stephanie Mansfield from the Washington Post sat down with Armistead Maupin, the author of The Tales of the City series, to discuss being a gay humorist.

In the article, Maupin gave this quote:

“One of the most maddening things about being a gay humorist is that you're essentially drawing on one of the greatest strengths of gay life, and that is this wonderful, rich, self-deprecating humor that gay people indulge in, and often when that's translated to the world at large, it's used against gay people in a way.”

And more than 30 years later, a 2018 article in the Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health explored the coping mechanisms LGBTQ+ youth develop in the face of pervasive stigma-related stress.

And among its key findings, the researchers observed that LGBTQ+ youth were most likely to utilize avoiding problems as a strategy to cope with stress, followed closely by being humorous, relaxing, and ventilating feelings.

Now, this is talking about humor in general, and as we discussed in the Psych Central article, using humor as a coping mechanism can be healthy or unhealthy depending on the type of humor used.

So, when it comes to self-deprecating humor, how effective of a coping mechanism is it?

Is Self-Deprecating Humor a Bad Coping Mechanism? (12:06)

Well, a 2018 study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences explored how humor could be a relevant component for predicting the way in which individuals handle angry feelings or episodes.

The study found that self-deprecating humor, which is oriented to oneself, was likely to be positively associated with the internal expression of anger and can be viewed as having a negative and damaging nature.

Additionally, it suggested that self-deprecating humor could be negatively associated with positive psychological well-being and positively associated with anxiety and depression.

Now, that's just one study. There seems to be some debate whether self-deprecating humor is healthy or unhealthy.

And personally, I think, in moderation, it can be healthy to be able to poke fun at ourselves and not take ourselves too seriously.

But I do think there's a fine line and that making too many jokes at your own expense could be damaging.

In fact, a 2019 Talkspace article took a look at when self-deprecating humor can become detrimental, and these are a few signs that there may be a problem:

Number one, you can't take a compliment

Sometimes, we might feel a bit uncomfortable accepting a compliment because we don't want to seem conceited, or maybe we just don't like the attention.

However, people with low self-esteem may struggle with compliments because they contradict their perceived flaws, and they may even interpret the compliment as someone having an ulterior motive.

Number two, your self-deprecation is a reflex

If you're making self-deprecating jokes without first thinking of the intent, you may want to look into breaking that habit.

Number three, your jokes fall flat

If you hear crickets after a self-critical comment, really reflect and see if your sense of humor might have made people uncomfortable.

We all crack a few self-deprecating jokes when we're with our friends, but if this is your go-to and your friends or social network are starting to not respond to your jokes, then it may be a sign you're overdoing it, and they may be concerned.

And a big indicator that this may be the case is if someone explicitly states that what you said has gone too far.

Number four, you're self-deprecating when you're alone

If you're speaking to yourself negatively on a regular basis, then you're going to start believing those comments, and they might start impacting how you view yourself.

Number five, you start believing the punch lines

The point of self-deprecation is to make light of your flaws and come to terms with the imperfections of humanity, not validate insecurities.

So, if what you said as a lighthearted joke starts weighing on you and you start accepting that reality, then that's a sign it's gone too far.

Break the Self-Deprecating Cycle (14:15)

Now, if any of those resonate with you and you believe your self-deprecating humor may be signifying some deeper issues, you can fix that, and the number one way to do that is to go to therapy.

And in all honesty, I feel like this is the answer for almost every topic covered in this podcast. Seriously, though, speaking to a therapist can help you develop healthier coping strategies.

Beyond that, though, you should make a conscious effort to break the self-deprecating cycle.

So, when people compliment you, don't fight it. Just say thank you and try to compliment yourself every now and then.

And if you feel self-deprecating thoughts during your alone time, try journaling. It's a good way to let out your feelings.

And if you're journaling about a situation you feel bad about, you have the opportunity to reframe negative thought patterns.

You can also go back and reread older journal entries and add new thoughts to them.

And lastly, we can all work to stop perpetuating the self-deprecation of others.

And we can do that by pointing out when others are being too hard on themselves and encourage them to show themselves some grace.

Additionally, this not only helps them break the cycle, but it can also force us to stop and think about our own similar moments when we've been too hard on ourselves.

Episode Closing (15:16)

Again, humor as a coping mechanism, it's not a bad thing, and it can be healthy.

And an occasional self-deprecating joke is fine, but we really need to be cognizant of when we're being too hard on ourselves, even if it's through a joke.

And connecting it back to the tarot. I think The Sun in reverse, like we talked about, is really shining a light on the situations we're in.

So, we were talking about life transitions. You know, there's a lot of uncertainty there, so if we're unsure, we need to rely on the sunlight to show us the positive opportunities that are on the horizon.

But specifically, when it comes to self-deprecating humor, we're all guilty of making these jokes. And again, on the surface level, it can be fine, but maybe some of what we talked about today is resonating more with us.

You know, we're realizing that we believe the truth behind our jokes. That is The Sun in reverse, shining on us and calling us out for our pessimism.

Maybe it's shedding some light on us and making us realize we are being too hard on ourselves, even if it's just through a joke.

So again, if any of that really resonated with you, take a step back and take a look at what you're criticizing yourself on.

Follow those tips that we talked about and, you know, I know we've covered in past episodes, but try to be kinder on yourself. Show yourself some grace.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (16:19)

So, thank you all for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

As always, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. I can really use the reviews, too, so I would definitely appreciate that. Five-star reviews only, please.

You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (17:11)

Particularly a decrement in relational particularly a.