29. Love Bombing

Snarky Opener (0:00)

It has taken me 29 years to learn to love myself, so don't try to pull some bullshit and pretend that you love me after two dates just to manipulate me.

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a non-jaded gay because I'm feeling kind of inspired to take some action, which I know is something that we've talked about in a lot of tarot for the past episodes.

But I've been in a place lately where I feel very stuck. And a lot of the situations I'm in right now just seem very temporary.

And obviously, most things in life are temporary, but this is especially, you know, short-term temporary, where I'm just trying to figure out what direction I'm supposed to be going in.

And I've been feeling stuck for a while and feeling like I just need to, you know, kind of wait for the days to pass by to get to the point where I want to be at.

But I finally got to a place where I realized I can't just wait. You know, I'm somebody who does take action a lot, but I felt like the right path forward for the situation was to just wait to get to a certain endpoint.

But I can't wait any longer, and I really realized that it's time for me to take action.

And you know, it might be different than my original plan of waiting certain situations out, but I really just need to take the action and start, you know, putting myself forward to get to where I want.

Because I can't just keep waiting to get to the place where I'm hoping to be and hoping I'll be happy then. I have to, you know, put in the effort now, and I can't necessarily put that on a timeline like I had in the past.

So, I need to start working on it now. I know it's pretty vague, but I don't want to get into too much detail, but it's a positive thing. You know, change can be scary, but it's a positive thing.

So, I'm just trying to reassure myself and keep working forward. Anyway, enough about me.

Let's get into the topic.

Love Bombing (1:45)

Today, we're going to be talking about love bombing. And some of you may be familiar with this term, and others of you may not be.

And spoiler alert, love bombing is not a good thing. And after this episode, you may realize you've been love bombed in past dating scenarios, or maybe you've even love bombed someone and didn't realize it.

So, we're going to go over what it is, how to identify it, and how to deal with it.

But before we do, you know the drill, let's pull our tarot.

Tarot (2:13)

So, for this episode, we drew the Ace of Swords. And as you remember, the suit of Swords is tied to the element of air. It's masculine energy, so it's very action-oriented.

Swords is typically tied to structure and stability. You know, communication. Think the pen is mightier than the sword. And in the suit of Swords, Ace is the first card.

So, it's kind of the beginning of a cycle or the beginning of a new journey.

And that being said, the Ace of Swords can really be a sign that, you know, we're receiving clarity on a situation, or we have a new idea for a new path forward.

And it's number one, so in numerology, that's tied to, again, new beginnings, new cycles, and also the individual.

So, when we get this card, it's indicating that, you know, there's bright ideas, mental clarity, and insight needed for swift action.

And it might even be a sign that maybe we need to be a little bold. For example, maybe we're in a situation we're uncomfortable with or unsure of how to proceed, so maybe it's really important to just dive in with the person, the situation, whatever, and just confront it head-on.

Obviously, in a mature, respectful way. Because again, remember, Swords, think of you know, the pen is mightier than the sword. It's about our communication style and our structure.

But it might be better to just approach that and confront it right away, instead of letting the anxiety build up around it.

And I know confrontation might be scary, but it shouldn't be because this card's really indicating that there's, you know, a surge of new energy coming forward, providing us wisdom and intellect.

So, we might have sudden realizations about issues or situations that have been troubling us, and we should just trust our intuition, our instinct, on how we should move forward and proceed with that.

But again, remember, this card is very action-oriented, so, you know, while we want to reflect on what we should be doing and what situations might be plaguing us, the card is really indicating that we do need to take action to move beyond that challenge.

We can't just keep treading water or running on the treadmill and not going anywhere.

We need to take it a step further so we can break through whatever that is and let this new energy really kind of empower us and inspire us to move forward and to trust ourselves and trust, you know, the structure that we crave in life and trust that what we're putting out there, you know how we communicate that's taking us in the right direction.

So, that being said, let's move into love bombing. And if you're not familiar with it, let's talk about what it is.

What is Love Bombing? (4:11)

According to the Oxford Dictionary, love bombing is the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.

So, you know, when you start dating someone and you do all those little cutesy things for each other, like paying for dinner, getting flowers, maybe buying them little gifts here and there?

Yeah, that's fine. That's not a problem. What's not okay is doing those things and then holding them over someone when times get tough. And here's a quick example.

So, a while back, I was dating someone, and while we were dating, I got a new job. And, normally, this is an exciting thing, but for me, it wasn't because I was very conflicted about leaving my job and starting this new one.

And there were a few other factors at play. So, it really was not an exciting move, but it was something necessary at the time.

And he knew all this, and he knew that, you know, this job offer was troubling to me because we had talked about it. And the day that I found out I got the job, he and I had already had plans for that night.

I was going to go over to a place around, like, seven or eight for a movie. It was just going to be really casual kind of thing.

But when I told him I got the job and that I was very conflicted about it, he wanted to celebrate. So, he changed up the plans and made a dinner reservation for eight o'clock that night.

And now, I'm normally in bed by eight or nine because I'm crazy and I wake up at four o'clock in the morning during the week.

And there's also, in my opinion, a difference between watching a movie at eight and going out to dinner at eight.

Because, when you're going out for dinner, if your reservation's at eight, that means you're being seated at eight.

It's gonna take probably 15 minutes to order, maybe another 15 minutes for your food to come. And then, obviously, you're not gonna rush to pay the bill. You're gonna have conversation.

And then you have to go back. And you know, when you're dating somebody, you don't just necessarily want to call it quits at dinner and say, all right, see you later.

Like, you do want to hang out and have some time with one another. So, when he changed the plans on me last minute, I said I really didn't want to go to dinner that late.

And he got annoyed because I guess he had plans earlier before we were supposed to get together. And I said I'd rather just get together for the movie like we planned, but he didn't want to do that.

So, he cut his plans early and made an early dinner reservation at this really expensive restaurant that I didn't want to go to. And it wasn't even that good.

Anyway, a couple weeks later, we got into a disagreement over our communication styles, and he started going off on me.

He was yelling, he goes, I changed my plans and took you to a $200 dinner, and you're so inflexible, blah, blah, blah.

And I had to remind him, I didn't want him to change his plans. I didn't ask him to change his plans. I wanted to keep the plans that we had originally.

I didn't want to go to that dinner, especially that expensive of dinner, because, like, Bitch, buy me Chipotle for all I care. It's $10, and I prefer that over the place we went to.

And also, I mean, at the core theme of it, it wasn't the factor of, you know, plans changing or going to dinner, this or that.

I wasn't happy about getting this new job, and he wanted to celebrate that, even though he knew I wasn't happy about that because he wanted to do what he wanted to do.

But again, this is an example of love bombing. The doing something quote-unquote nice, meaning taking me to the dinner but then having strings attached to it to hold over when things don't go your way.

And unsurprisingly, love bombing is often attributed to individuals who are high in narcissism or other anti-social traits.

In fact, Psychology Today says that it's considered a deliberate and manipulative tactic that is deployed in order to gain the upper hand over a new partner and increase his or her dependence on the bomber.

Now, full disclosure, this episode is going to be focused on love bombing and not narcissism, emotional abuse, and manipulation.

I do plan to do that episode in the future, but today, we're really going to focus on this technique that's often associated with that.

And there will definitely be some ties because, obviously, we are going to touch upon those as they tie into love bombing.

And it is important to note that love bombing can occur without someone necessarily having ill intentions, which we'll kind of touch upon.

But mostly, it is used as a manipulation tactic.

Examples of Love Bombing (7:32)

So, let's look at some examples of love bombing. And again, this comes from Psychology Today.

They state that examples of this are:

• Giving numerous or extravagant gifts, particularly early in a relationship
• Excessive or exaggerated flattery
• Early, frequent, or extreme declarations of love and affection
  • For example, saying I love you. You're my soulmate. You're everything I'm looking for on a first date
• Attempting to be in constant contact
  • For example, bombarding the other person with non-stop texts or phone calls
• Seeking quick commitment
  • In a romantic relationship, for example, you know, a love bomber might bring things up like marriage or moving in together right away
• Displaying emotional neediness and reactivity
  • They may become upset if the other person has other plans or doesn't answer communication right away
• And ignoring attempts by the other person to set boundaries

And the biggest thing, the biggest core theme out of all this, is that love bombing is constant, intense, and makes you feel uncomfortable.

And in the tarot for past episodes, you know, we typically talk a lot about trusting your own intuition, and that's especially true here.

If something doesn't sit right with you, really reflect on that and assess the situation. Because, if it doesn't feel right, odds are it isn't right.

Phases of Narcissism (8:35)

And while this isn't an episode on narcissism, we are going to talk about a few phases of its cycle, which ties to love bombing.

So, phase number one is idealization

This is in the early stages of affection, usually at the beginning of a dating scenario. And you know, everything's good at the beginning.

They might shower you with gifts and compliments and attention. And everything just feels really secure, and you think you might have even found your significant other.

But then, as this behavior evolves, the love bomber becomes comfortable, and they may push you to make early commitments while at the same time becoming upset if you try to establish boundaries.

And then, we enter phase number two, which is known as devaluing

Love bombers then become more openly aggressive and engage in harmful tactics.

You know this can include withdrawing affection when angry, insulting the other person, attempting to control their appearance or behavior, berating them for small mistakes, or even engaging in physical abuse.

Basically, they become manipulative and critical if things don't go their way.

And they'll go back and forth between the idealization and devaluing phases, so they might treat you like shit and then make it up to you by circling back to that showering of gifts and compliments only to manipulate you again.

And it's a total mind fuck.

And this will continue on and on until they move into phase three, which is discarding

So, if you don't leave this person, either the cycle will continue, or the love bomber may move into the discarding phase.

Basically, they may suddenly move on from the relationship and break up with you or replace you by dating someone new immediately after.

And this can actually fuel the narcissist's ego. For example, when the target of the love bomber asks for compromise, empathy, integrity, honesty, and boundaries, the love bomber may decide that the target has lost their luster and is tarnished.

They're no longer considered the quote-unquote perfect partner to fluff the ego feathers of the narcissist. And sometimes post discarding they may still come back around.

So, this next phase, number four, is called hoovering

I'm going to read this description from Psych Central:

"If you reach a point where you’re ready to leave the relationship, your partner may renew the love bombing, insisting that they’ve “changed their ways” or are “making a sincere effort.” This phase is often referred to as “hoovering” — a term inspired by the vacuum cleaner — because your partner may be trying to “suck you back in” using love bombing tactics again. While this can often feel genuine, in narcissist love bombing, it’s often the start of a new cycle of abuse."

And the hoovering happened to me. I broke up with that guy, and believe me, it was not an ideal breakup. There was no mature conversation. And, of course, he blamed that on me.

Now, we had only dated, like six weeks tops, and a month and a half later, after we had broken up, he texted me out of the blue because, you know, while we were dating, he had bought plane tickets for us to go to LA *cough, cough, love bombing, extravagant gifts*.

But the one ticket he actually booked under my name. He had created an account for me through the airline and booked this ticket without really kind of confirming it with me.

We had talked about it, but there was never actually that, like formal confirmation of it. And they were non-refundable tickets.

So, when we broke up, we talked about how we were going to handle that, and I thought it was settled. I had Venmoed him for the money.

So, he had the, you know, the tickets, whatever. And that was until I got this text a month and a half later where he said he was trying to get a refund through the airline and that he'd keep me posted.

So, I said, "Okay." And again, this was all through text. So then, one Sunday night, unannounced, he shows up at my house, dressed up, to tell me what the airline said to him.

And then he tried to offer an apology, which was just full-on lies. And then he wanted to hug it out, and I told him, I said, no, I'm good. You're not getting a hug from me.

And then when I said to him, please don't show up at my house unannounced again because it makes me uncomfortable, he replied saying, well, I told you I was going to keep you updated on the plane ticket.

So, he just completely ignored the fact that you're not respecting my boundaries or my comforts, which, again, classic love bombing.

And yes, I did get a Ring doorbell and security alarm immediately after that and blocked him on every form of social media, including LinkedIn.

And it's not that I felt physically threatened, but this was an issue that happened over the brief period we dated where, you know, when, if he was late for plans, for example, two hours late past when we made plans, he would just show up two hours later, when I'm like, guess what?

Now might not be a good time for me, because we had plans earlier. You didn't show up. I'm trying to move on with my day. I'm not going to wait around.

And even post-breakup, he would not respect my boundaries. I mean, you don't just show up to somebody's house unannounced. Like, that's not, this isn't a Hallmark movie.

Those big shows of affection usually are not a good thing.

And then when you do that and somebody says, hey, this makes me feel uncomfortable, please don't do that to just ignore that and say, well, I told you, I'd give you an update.

When we haven't talked for a month and a half. You told me you'd give me an update through a text message, so I assumed you're going to text me back.

So again, I just kind of made that conscious decision. I'm putting these barriers in place to just protect my own boundaries because I really don't want this person coming back in my life.

And knock on wood, it's been over a year. I haven't heard back from them, thank God. But here's an example of love bombing and some of the phases there.

Who is a Love Bomber? (13:03)

Now, interestingly enough, Dr. Chitra Raghavan, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, says that typically, it is the male partner in a relationship that commits the love bombing.

And obviously, you know that's for heterosexual relationships.

And in a 2019 Men's Health article titled What to Know About 'Love Bombing,' the Trend That's Ruining Dating for Everyone, author Zachary Zane cites that love bombing is classically associated with narcissists and sociopaths, who represents 1% and 1-4% of the population, respectively.

Now, in that same article, he goes on to write:

"Love bombing must go beyond those small populations because nearly every woman or gay man I've spoken to has been love bombed at some point in their dating career. (Straight men had experienced it, too, but to a lesser extent.) These numbers don’t add up. There simply aren’t enough narcissists and sociopaths going around love bombing everyone, which means that your average Joe Schmo on Tinder is doing it as well.”

Now that being said, I tried to see if I could find anything specific to gay men and love bombing, but there were really no results. Everything was just kind of tied to the general concept of love bombing.

And when I try to find statistics around love bombing, everything linked back to how it's closely associated with narcissism.

And since this isn't technically the narcissism episode, we'll have to explore that later.

Victims of Love Bombing (14:14)

But when it comes to those who are most likely to be love bombed, Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles and author says that people vulnerable to this include quote-unquote people pleasers, those who grew up in a narcissistic household, were abused previously, are younger or new to relationships, or empaths.

And for those of you unfamiliar with that term, an empath is basically someone who has extreme empathy for others and can actually experience or feel the emotions of others.

And unsurprisingly, love bombing is detrimental to your emotional health.

I mean, think about it, being in a relationship with someone who gives you something and makes you feel like you owe them something equal or greater in return, not a good feeling.

In fact, it's psychological manipulation and a form of emotional abuse that can turn into a larger cycle of abuse because they are looking for areas of insecurity to exploit.

For example, in my situation, early on, we had talked about some of our dating history, and I told him about some of the negative experiences I've had that I've mentioned on here when it comes to dating.

Like, you know, dating people with alcohol issues and people who've ghosted and stuff like that.

Now, just to be clear, and I think I've been clear in the past, but in case anyone was wondering, that's not a representation of everyone I've dated my entire life.

That's just some of the highlights of the negative situations that I've encountered over the years. I've definitely dated some great people out there who, you know, things just didn't work out, but they were mature, respectful relationships.

I've, you know, casually dated some people that, again, didn't work out, but we ended up becoming good friends and still stay in touch as friends.

So, I've had an assortment of dating scenarios, not just bad ones. But I kind of just told him about some of the, you know, some of the top-level not-so-great ones that I had because that's what we were talking about the time.

But he used that against me. And when we had arguments, he'd say, well, I treat you so good, and you've only dated fuck boys.

You don't know how to be in a relationship, and you have anxiety, and you stopped taking your medication, so you're overreacting.

And it was really kind of hurtful because these were things that I confided in him. That I had, you know, not really talked about too openly with other people that I've dated in the past.

You know, like some dating situations or even mental health issues. It's kind of a sensitive subject. You know, unfortunately, there is some stigma associated around that.

So obviously, now here I'm on my podcast, kind of broadcasting it to, you know, my 12 listeners, or however many people tune in.

But you know, previously, before this, I wasn't going around telling, you know, everybody that I dated, you know, here's my situation.

But he was someone who, early on, made me feel comfortable enough to say that to him. So, to have somebody that you feel you can really trust and confide in, and then have them use that against you, one, it's hurtful.

Even has you kind of questioning your sanity. Like maybe he's right. Maybe I am a terrible person, maybe I am immature, maybe I don't know how to date.

Maybe, you know, it is bad that I'm easing off of my medication, even though I'm, you know, checking in with my doctor along the way to make sure I'm doing it appropriately and checking in with my mental health.

Maybe it is wrong that I'm doing that. Maybe he is right. And, you know, we probably started having arguments about, you know, maybe a month into dating, and within two weeks, it was over.

Because it just, it quickly spiraled and the bullshit that was happening, it was just ridiculous. And the first couple times, you know, like I said, I was questioning my sanity, like, maybe it is me.

But then I realized time and time again there were so many double standards and such hypocrisy going on, and it just, no matter what I did, it wasn't going to be right.

And I, you know, do think I can communicate pretty well. I've, you know, I can talk in some difficult situations, whether it's personally, professionally.

But no matter what I said, it seemed like it was coming across wrong, and it's because I didn't realize he was twisting my words and trying to spin the conversation to get back to a point where he could blame things on me.

So, I just, you know, I was fed up. I had it, and I, I just ended it.

How to Prevent Love Bombing (17:34)

And so that brings us to the question, what can you do to protect yourself from being love bombed?

Because again, it happens very quickly, very intensely, and it's almost like, you know, the rug's pulled out from underneath you.

You go from dating this person seems perfect and really kind to someone who just seems mean and acting maliciously. And it seems like it could happen almost overnight.

So, what can we do to protect ourselves?

Well, first off, it can be difficult because understandably, we want to date someone who is affectionate and attentive and kind. And there's nothing wrong with those things.

You know, if someone's exhibiting those behaviors, it doesn't mean they're trying to manipulate you. But it's important to remember that building trust into healthy relationships takes time.

Meanwhile, love bombers will want to rush into that process right away. So, remember, genuine affection is mutual and should occur at a pace that's comfortable for both partners.

And when being love bombed, there's often an abrupt shift in the type of attention from affectionate and loving to controlling and angry, with the pursuing partner making unreasonable demands.

So, we need to be aware of those who are constantly seeking to stroke egos, those who are pushing a relationship to levels when we're not ready for them, and those who are quick to show warmth and affection but then lose their temper and find other ways to punish us when they don't get their way.

And a good way to protect yourself is to establish your boundaries early on. And remember, an emotionally healthy partner should respect that.

How to Heal from Being Love Bombed (18:48)

But if we should get love bombed, how do we recover from that situation?

And I'll tell you how: buy a security system and get a new haircut.

No, I mean, you could if you want to.

But in all seriousness, the first thing experts recommend is break off all contact with them. Don't give them any window to crawl back in, because they will take advantage of that.

I mean, just think, like I said, you know, he texted me about that update, and I texted back. And that gave him the window to think, okay, I'm just gonna show up at your house unannounced.

So, don't give them anything. Cease all communication. Block them. It's not being petty. It is protecting your space, your emotional health, and your boundaries. Block them, delete their number, all that stuff.

And, if you've been isolated from friends and family because of your manipulator, then be sure to re-establish those relationships.

And that's important because people who have been love bombed often feel as though they've lost their sense of self.

And for me, I don't know if I would necessarily say I lost my sense of self, but I was very confused and conflicted.

You know, I've been hurt by some people I dated in the past, but I never really felt angry at anyone before.

But, like, I was livid over this situation. I was so angry about how I'd been treated by this love bomber. And I mean, even now that I'm, like, talking about this, I am getting a little anger in my chest.

Not a lot, but just a little bit. And I was also angry at myself and confused of how I could let this happen.

You know, how did this happen so quickly, and how did it just spiral out of control, and did I do something wrong?

And, you know, like I said, I was feeling those things. I really had to take a step back and assess the situation afterwards, replay those scenarios in my head, to really understand how, you know, what I was bringing to the relationship in terms of, you know, was I bringing my best self forward?

Was I bringing any baggage? What could I have done wrong in it?

To hold myself accountable for that, but also to draw a line and understand, okay, there's definitely places you can hold yourself accountable for maybe not doing the right thing or not taking the best action.

So, like I said, I was just really confused, and I was also questioning, is this something I did wrong? Am I a terrible person that's immature and can't communicate?

So, I really had to take some time and realize, okay, throughout all my dating scenarios, I had never been accused by anyone of the things he accused me of.

So, you know, to me, that was something that was kind of indicative. I've had situations where I've, you know, dated somebody here and there and then, you know, didn't work out one reason or another, but we've remained friends.

Or there's been people that, you know, maybe it wasn't a great breakup, but there was certainly wasn't name calling, and my integrity and certain things about me were never called into question.

And people never went below the belt critiquing my past dating life or my mental health during a breakup.

So, that's something I really had to think back to a lot throughout that situation to remind myself, like, if this was really a recurrent problem, then I think this would be happening over and over again, where people would be calling me out on those things.

But since it's just one person who had some other bad tendencies, and the love bombing was a big thing, maybe show myself some grace. And that's the biggest thing from all the research I found.

When we end things with a love bomber, we need to show ourselves some kindness along with patience and forgiveness.

According to GoodTherapy.org, a good way to heal and move forward is by going to therapy. Shocker, I feel like that's the answer for everything in this podcast.

But by doing this, we can better narrate the situation so you can resolve the trauma of the emotional abuse. And here's a really powerful quote that I liked from the article:

“Understanding the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of gaslighting and other emotional abuse. Armed with knowledge, survivors understand the relationship cycle they endured and can move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the merry-go-round of emotional abuse and be just fine.”

Episode Closing (21:58)

And bringing it back to the tarot. In the Ace of Swords, it's telling us, you know, we're feeling new energy coming into us.

You know, new energy that's bringing wisdom and intellect and clarity to uncertain situations. And it's calling on us to take action.

So, in a situation, if we think that maybe we're being love bombed, if we're, if anything that, you know, was said during this episode is really resonating with you, maybe it's time to take a step back and look at your current situation and then take action.

You know, get that clarity we need.

Find a way to achieve that clarity, whether it's through reconnecting with friends or family that you might have been isolated from during a love bombing cycle, or if it's, you know, talking to your therapist, or just, you know, seeking more research online about this, we need to seek that clarity and trust our intuition so we can take the appropriate action forward and know that we'll be just fine no matter what.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (23:37)

So, thank you once again for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. I'd really appreciate any reviews you can give me. I've been getting quite a few ratings but not a lot of reviews. So, I'd definitely appreciate that.

Feel free to send me an email rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can also connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You could connect with me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (23:20)

Like, bitch, just take me to Chipotle. It's $10. I love it. I don't care the guac's extra.

I just, I'd rather that. I don't want to go to an expensive dinner. God, I fucking love Chipotle. Not sponsored.