23. Let's Talk About the F Word

Snarky Opener (0:00)

All right, today, we're going to take a page out of Miss Dula Peep's book. Let's talk about the F word.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless, and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because I'm very excited. I had applied earlier in the summer to a program for some leadership development skills, and I found out that I got into it.

So, it'll be kicking off shortly, and I'm really excited for this opportunity. It's gonna be really great.

I'm really passionate about furthering my career, increasing my knowledge and my education, and just trying to learn new skills.

So, I'm excited about what I'm going to learn, and I'm hoping it'll benefit me in the long run.

Let’s Talk About the F Word (0:54) 

Anyway, as hinted at in today's intro, we will be talking about the F word. And not the fun kind.

Also, if you didn't get the reference at the beginning, it's a nod to Wendy Williams. She had mispronounced Dua Lipa's name in one of her segments and called her Miss Dula Peep.

And I just think it's kind of fun to refer to. Also, that little Dua Lipa quote, let's talk about the F word.

It's from, she did a video for the Fashion Awards in 2021 and gave that iconic line referring to fashion as the F word. Let's talk about the F word: fashion.

But no, we're not going to be talking about fashion either. Today, we are talking about the word faggot. We're going to talk about what it means, where it came from, and how the gays feel about it today.

Now, obviously, this word can be pretty triggering for some of us.

So, before we dive into its oppressive origins and then the reclamation of the word today, we're going to pull our tarot.

Tarot (1:43) 

So, for this episode, we pulled another Major Arcana card. And I feel like I've been playing a lot of Major Arcana cards lately.

I pulled The Star in reverse. And actually, I've never pulled The Star before. Not for any of the podcast episodes, not for any of my own tarot reading. So, this is pretty exciting.

In numerology, it's a number 17, and the Major Arcana goes up to 21, so we're getting towards the end of our journey within that Major Arcana with this card.

As you know, in numerology, we add double digits together, so one plus seven equals eight.

And eight, obviously, if you turn it, it looks like the infinity sign to show that the energies are constantly flowing through us and never-ending. It's also tied to success and power.

And in tarot, this card is also connected to strength, which is number eight in the Major Arcana. And when we look at this card, we see a woman knelt over a little pond or lake.

She's pouring water into the lake and then also onto the earth that she stands on. And obviously, there's a bright star above her with some other stars surrounding her.

And so really, this card is really tying to the feminine energy, asking us to meditate and reflect, because if you think about it, we're seeing right in here the water element.

She has one foot in the water, one foot on the earth, and then she's pouring the water into the lake, and then also onto the earth. Water, as you know, ties to our emotions. That's also a feminine energy.

And seeing the earth that's tied to grounding, stabilizing energy, which we see in the suit of Pentacles, and that's also tied to feminine energy. So, there's a lot of reflection and meditation in this card.

So, we really need to think through our emotions here.

And while typically, this card might seem like she has a good balance, both between the emotions of water and the stability of the earth, when we're in reverse, it's signifying that we're not so connected between, you know, our stabilizing, grounding forces and our emotions.

We're feeling disconnected from something, whether it's from the universe, from our projects, from our family, friends, whatever. There's some kind of disconnect we need to address.

And despite any troubles we might be going through or obstacles, we can't lose faith in the process. You know, all those gym bros always like to say, trust the process.

It's like, if you go to the gym and you start lifting, you're not going to hit your fitness goals overnight. It takes a long time of commitment and dedication.

Same thing with work. You don't start a job as a CEO. You start your way at the bottom and work your way up. It's the same with relationships, friendships.

Anything worth working towards is going to take hard work and effort, and it's not going to be instantaneous.

So maybe it's taking us a little bit longer than we'd like it to, or longer than we thought it would. And so, we're starting to maybe lose faith in the process that we're going through.

We're losing faith in our journey. But we need to stay connected and trust the process.

And this card also is a little reassuring because it's saying that while we might be feeling shaky right now, inspiration is on the horizon, so we can't give up. We need to hold out for that inspiration.

Maybe it'll come to us in the form of the success we're working towards, or we'll get a reassuring sign somewhere, or some indication that we're on the right trajectory, but it's going to take just a little bit more time.

So, hold off and just search for that inspiration around you. Be mindful and live in the moment.

So, yeah, going from the tarot to the F word.

The Origins of Faggot (4:29)

We're all familiar with it, and most of us have been called it at some point in our lives.

For myself, personally, I remember hearing that word thrown around a lot in middle school. You know, everybody was a faggot or a fag, but I didn't know what it meant.

I thought it was just kind of like another word you throw out there, like, you know, being like an asshole or a jerk or a douchebag, something like that.

And it wasn't until probably high school that I realized that it was actually a gay slur. And, you know, in middle school, I'm sure I was called it because, again, they were calling everybody that word.

I don't remember as an adult or in high school or college ever being called that. At least not to my face, maybe behind my back.

I have, however, been called a homo at the gym, which you're all familiar with, and then also a fucking career at the grocery store in 2015 but never a faggot.

But anyway, you know, where does this word come from? Because it's not, you know, obviously, you can understand that homo is short for homosexual. But, where does, where does this F word come from?

Well, interestingly enough, a faggot is an old English unit of measurement.

It was typically applied to bundles of certain items, and most commonly, it was used to measure a bundle of sticks, primarily used for kindling.

And a short faggot, no, that's not a gay under five-five, it equaled a bundle of sticks that is three feet long and two feet in circumference.

And a long faggot equaled a bundle longer than three feet. However, by the mid-16th century, this word took on a new meaning.

During this time, those who opposed the teachings of the Catholic Church were labeled heretics and burned alive.

So, there's some debate over if this is factual or speculative, but some believe that carrying these faggots, which again bundles of sticks, to fires to burn heretics, is how the association came to be.

And during these burnings of heretics, phrases were shouted, such as fry of faggot. Soon, faggot became a shorthand term for heretics.

So, by the 1800s, this word was also used to refer to women in a derogatory way.

So again, the association between the initial origins of the word and its use as a slur for gay men may have stemmed from this, but the etymology is still somewhat debated.

Faggot as a Gay Slur (6:21)

Regardless, the American use of faggot as a gay slur first appeared in the 1914 book, A Vocabulary of Criminal Slang, With Some Examples of Common Usages by Louis E. Jackson and C.R. Hellyer.

It was spelled with one g, and the example they used was:

"All the fagots (sissies) will be dressed in drag at the ball tonight."

And another quick vocabulary lesson, sissy entered the American English language in the mid-1800s, and it originally was short for sister.

However, its pejorative use appeared in the late 1800s and was used to describe an effeminate or cowardly man.

In 1923 a study titled The Hobo: The Sociology of the Homeless Man first used the word fag, stating:

“Fairies or Fags are men or boys who exploit sex for profit.”

And in the 1937 novel Big Money, author John Dos Passos wrote:

“The first thing Marge thought was how on earth she could ever have liked that fagot."

This was also spelled with one g.

So, in the early 1900s, the word faggot and fag were thrown around, and no one really questioned it because being gay was very taboo and kept on the down low.

Reclaiming the Word Faggot After the Stonewall Riots (7:24)

But then we have the Stonewall Riots in 1969, and the meaning of the word faggot became complex as some used it to reclaim their identities.

In 1973, Al Carmines, a gay actor and playwright, debuted his Broadway play titled The Faggot. And, I'm going to read a quick quote from a New York Times review:

“Mr. Carmines takes a liberated and ecumenical view of sex and love which still might shock less liberated members of the theater audience. Yet the purpose—sometimes stated and sometimes hinted at—is obviously to reveal the similarities in the many faces of love.

It is also very funny What it is not is self‐pitying or gloomy. Most homosexual shows are embarrassing for heterosexuals because they are either fiercely militant or atrociously maudlin “The Faggot” treats homosexuality as just a different kind of love.

Certainly, some of the problems of homosexuality—its restless promiscuity for example—are dealt with but quite lightly. The message is that perverts and inverts (and all other kinds of verts) are more like straight normal people than they are unlike This is refreshing and rather unusual.”

And you know, I think that's what it must be like to date me, refreshing yet rather unusual.

Anyway, fast forwarding to 1978, Larry Kramer published a novel titled Faggots. And that name might sound familiar because Larry was a playwright, author, film producer, and gay rights activist.

You're probably most familiar with his 1985 novel, The Normal Heart, which was turned into an HBO movie in 2014.

He was also instrumental in the founding of ACT UP, that is the AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power. And, I'm sure you're familiar with that, but if not, don't worry, there will be an episode on that in the future.

Anyway, back to his novel Faggots. I'm going to read the book blurb on the back:

“Graphically sexual and one of the best-selling gay novels of all time, Faggots is the story of Fred Lemish, who at thirty-nine has built up his body into a fatless state of being in Great Shape. Finally, he is ready to find Mr. Right.

But from the Everhard Baths to the Pines on Fire Island to that place of myth and legend, The Meat Rack, Lemish is looking for his dream lover in all the wrong places. Faggots is a fierce satire of the gay ghetto and a touching story of one man’s desperate search for permanence, commitment, and love.”

Now, this book ended up being a controversial bestseller and divided the gay community. And apparently, it was banned in the only gay bookstore in Manhattan.

And being a satirical novel, I think that the title can be interpreted either as condemning gay men who tend to be promiscuous, so he's using faggots as a slur.

Or, since it is a sexually charged book, the title could be used in a more liberating way.

And in the decades following, there's been mixed reception in the LGBTQ+ community in terms of using or reclaiming the word faggot.

Cases For and Against Reclaiming the Word Faggot (9:55)

Now, I found a really interesting GQ article from 2015 titled Reclaiming the Word 'Faggot' is a Tricky Business.

And here's a quote that really jumped out at me:

“There’s precedent in reclamation of language, of course. “Queer” was once a term used as a means of othering sexual minorities, to categorize us as social aberrations. It has since been reclaimed by the community as a celebration of our differences, carving out a whole area of academic study and providing a handy, single-syllable catch-all descriptor for anyone who lands somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ continuum. Can the same be done with “faggot”?"

In 2017 Alexander Cheves published an article in The Advocate taking a look at words the queer community has reclaimed. For faggot, he states:

"Fag” is a term some submissive guys in kink and BDSM call themselves, guys who are into degradation scenes and/or forced feminization and seek sadistic alpha tops. Outside kink, “faggot” is the ultimate “fuck you” to the hetero establishment — a term used by queer men who celebrate their sex and take a politicized, anti-assimilationist approach to queer identity. We like the protest parts of our history. We’re ready when the right comes for us — because it will."

He states that faggot is also the most offensive anti-gay slur in history. Gay men have died with that word ringing in their ears. It's controversial to reclaim a word that feels painful to so many people.

Now, interestingly, in this article, Cheves gave a case for and against reclaiming the word.

So, the case for it:

"Faggot” is a word fueled by anger, AIDS, and the queer scene of the '90s. If reclaiming slurs is a way of fighting oppression, giving power to “faggot” is a battle cry."

And the case against it:

"Some say “faggot” is equivalent to the most offensive racial slurs. If a hetero person called me a faggot, I’d respond with the same fury that we deem appropriate when racial slurs drop on the playing field or celebrities are recorded saying them. Public apologies are issued for racial slurs and public images are smeared; it’s a sign of progress that we’ve come to a time when “faggot” is treated similarly."

Now, queer sex columnist Dan Savage asserts that this word once scared gay men, but now reclaiming it, it kind of indicates that I'm not scared of you any more or this word.

Also, in a 2020 opinion piece in The Guardian, Andre Wheeler said:

“We’re in a moment when feminized male queerness – aka what stereotypically gets labeled as “faggotry” – has found greater acceptance and representation in popular culture.”

Still others in the community disagree with using the word because of the negative connotations it brings and is actually a subtle form of homophobia.

In fact, in the 2007 book Dude, You’re A Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School, author CJ Pascoe suggested that American high school boys use the word fag to assert their own masculinity by calling out another boy for being less masculine.

And having been in high school during that time when the book was published, I definitely saw high school boys throw around that word even in situations that weren't related to anything remotely gay.

It was just, "Oh, you fag" when someone did something perceived as weak or not as being a tough guy.

And I'm sure a lot of us have similar experiences or were even called it, so that word can carry a lot of weight for us.

Straight People Can Never Use the Word (12:48)

And another problem to this is the fact that straight people, especially those in the spotlight, feel it's okay to throw around.

I mean, obviously, Eminem threw the word around like nobody's business in his heyday, but even today, it still persists.

Last August, for example, Matt Damon told a story about how he made a joke and used the word faggot, and his daughter taught him that it wasn't okay to use.

And he acted like such a martyr, like, "Oh, look at me. I learned not to use this word." Dude, it's 2022. Like, by now you really don't know you shouldn't say that word? Especially a man in Hollywood?

Like, come on.

And actually, when I was reading some articles on the topic of reclaiming the word faggot, a lot of authors compared it to how some people who are Black are reclaiming the n-word.

So, let's get one thing straight. If you're not gay, you don't get to use the word. Plain and simple.

Episode Closing (13:30)

For myself, personally, I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I've never really referred to myself as a fag, nor do I call anybody that.

And obviously, in this episode, I'm saying the word faggot and fag, and in this context of speaking it, it doesn't really bother me. I'm not feeling triggered by it.

But I don't know if this is something that I want to add to my vernacular because, obviously, it does come from an oppressive place.

However, I do understand why people are reclaiming it and taking power back over the word that was once used to oppress them because, like the article said, it is the ultimate fuck you to straight people.

So, you know, I'm really interested in hearing from you on your thoughts, if this is a word you want to use in your vernacular, or if this is something that you think should not be said and is still a subtle form of homophobia.

So please, you know, reach out to me on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, whatever. Let me know what your thoughts are on the word.

But at the end of the day, I think what's really important is that however you feel about it, it's important to be respectful of others' comforts in the community.

Meaning, if you're comfortable using that word, it doesn't mean that somebody else is so you shouldn't just refer to anybody in the community as that word.

And you know, as we talked about in the tarot, The Star indicates that, you know, we're on a journey, but we might be lacking the progress and feeling frustrated.

And we kind of are looking for inspiration on what the next step is. And obviously, that can be applied to our personal lives.

But in the scope of today's episode topic, you know, I think this is kind of a gray area and maybe somewhat of an obstacle. We have progressed such a far way.

And, obviously, the F word, it was used as a slur for so long and used to oppress people and condemn people.

But we're at a point today where some are reclaiming it and trying to take back the power it once held over them.

And so, I can really see it both ways, but in terms of our community's path forward, we're kind of at a bit of a crossroads where, you know, we have some saying this is still a form of homophobia, don't say it, while others are saying we're taking away its power and we're strengthening ourselves as a community.

So again, I don't think there's necessarily a clear answer on this. I think it's up to the individual within the community.

Again, if you're straight, you don't get to say that word ever. But you know, as we related to the tarot, I think it just goes back to being respectful of one another.

You know, understand what comforts you have and what triggers you may have, and don't just assume that because you're comfortable with the word, somebody else is comfortable with it, too.

Because at the end of the day, we are one community, but we are all very different people and have had different experiences as gay men.

So, your experience is not necessarily the same as somebody else's. So yeah, there it is.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (15:57)

Anyway, thanks again for listening. I hope you found this episode interesting.

I know I did because, again, really wasn't sure where the etymology of the word came from. So, kind of an interesting learning lesson.

Anyway, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. I'd really appreciate, too, if you can write some reviews for this podcast. I have, as of recording this, one on Apple podcast.

So, if you can add some reviews to that, I'd greatly appreciate it, and please make sure they're positive ones.

You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @ajadedgaypod. You can send me an email rob@ajadedgay.com.

And you can also connect with me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram and Twitter @rob_loveless on Instagram and @robjloveless on Twitter.

And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (17:09)

Mr. Carmines takes a liberated and economical view of sex and love.

Oh, that's not economical. That's a different word.