22. Deeper and Deeper: Building Emotional Intimacy

Snarky Opener (0:00)

We gotta open up. We gotta allow ourselves to go deeper and deeper. Not only in the bedroom but in our emotional connection with our partner.

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, sadly, I am a jaded gay because I'm just feeling stuck.

You know, I'm a pretty routine person, so lately, my days have all just kind of been seeming the same old, same old. You know, go to the gym, go to work, podcast, write.

And there hasn't been a lot going on outside of that. And some of that's my fault because, like I said, I'm pretty routine. I like to have my day scheduled out and all that.

So, I'm really trying to take the time to kind of find new ways to just add new things into my day, whether it's something as simple as just, you know, changing up my workout schedule, or going to the gym on a different day, or just something like that, because I need to change it up.

And I'm trying to make plans with some friends to kind of have something to look forward to. But just right now, it's still really hot out. It's still really sunny all day long, until like nine o'clock at night.

So, the days are just feeling long, and I'm feeling a little stuck, like I'm running on a treadmill, which, don't get me wrong, you know, I love working out.

But I want to get from point A to point B eventually. I don't want to just be stuck in place forever. So, you know, I'm just trying to keep pushing forward.

Just need to get over this little funk. But nevertheless, I'm still here. You can't get rid of me that easily.

And today, we are going to be talking about emotional intimacy.

Building Emotional Intimacy (1:32) 

So, as we've talked a lot before, you know, gay dating can be really hard, and a lot of us rely on apps to meet potential dates.

And like I've said in the past, when we're on those apps, we're in a sea of shirtless men, and it can lead us to think with the wrong head if you know what I'm saying.

And we might focus more on the physical attraction to a potential partner without considering if we're actually emotionally connected to them.

So today, I wanted to talk about how we can form a more emotional connection and kind of achieve that sense of emotional intimacy in our dates and relationships.

But before we do, let's pull our tarot.

Tarot (2:04) 

Oh, ho ho, big doin's here. We pulled the Wheel of Fortune, which is a Major Arcana card and a pretty significant one in the Major Arcana. So again, I think just last week, we had a Major Arcana.

So, this might sound familiar, but the Minor Arcana kind of signifies, you know, the little day-to-day things we want to work on. Major Arcana represents more of like the larger milestones in life.

So, the Wheel of Fortune is the number 10, and in numerology, remember, when we have double digits, we add them together. Now, what's interesting about ten, it's the first double-digit after a cycle.

So, you know we have, well, technically, with the Major Arcana, we have zero through nine. But you know what I'm saying. So, ten is the first double-digit we have, and it represents the end of a cycle.

And then, if you add one plus zero together, you get one, obviously, which indicates the start of a new cycle.

So, it's a really interesting card because it kind of signifies the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. So, we're kind of at a crossroads here.

But really overarching meaning of it is, you know, it's cyclical, and it's about change, which is perfect for me since I just said I was feeling stuck not two minutes ago.

And in astrology, it's tied to Jupiter, which is related to luck, expansion, and growth. And this card is asking us to try to understand the cycles of our life on a deeper level.

And the Wheel of Fortune, obviously, it's a wheel. And you can kind of think of it similar to, you know, if you go to a casino, you see the roulette table, you might gamble and make a bet.

And when you do that, you're really not in control of what the wheel lands on. You're leaving it up to chance.

And when we get the Wheel of Fortune, it is asking us to focus on what we can actually control in order to find peace with the uncertainty of change and to let go of anything that we can't control.

Because no matter what happens in life, we are always going through cycles, and there are always going to be things out of our control.

And it's really easy to sweat the small details and worry about the things that you can't control when really, we need to worry about the things we can control.

What can we do to take action, to take charge of the situation so that we can let go of the things we can't control and instead try to work the situation to our benefit by taking charge of the things we can control?

And when we do this, we're opening ourselves up to fated events and meetings without forcing your fate.

Because really, at the end of the day, there's a lot of uncertainty, and we don't know what lies in store for us tomorrow.

So, by understanding what we can and cannot control, we're allowing ourselves to be open for what the universe sends our way.

And it also reminds us that, you know, this wheel it's always turning, and life is a constant state of change. So, we might be going through a difficult time now, but it's not going to last forever.

Things will get better. And the opposite of that, when we're, you know, in a really good place and things are going well, we need to stay humbled and remember that, you know, things aren't always going to go our way, but we need to understand how we can react to those situations when things don't go our way.

How we can be in control of our emotions and how we control how we process the events of our lives. And I think this is tied, you know, to cycles of relationships. There's ups and downs.

We've had bad dating experiences and good ones.

And we just need to kind of process from those situations and really kind of take the good and the bad and understand what we can control in a relationship.

You know, we can't control our partner, but we can control the situations we're putting ourselves in and how we respond to those situations.

So, from the tarot, let's turn to emotional intimacy, and basically, what is it?

What is Emotional Intimacy? (4:58)

Well, according to a 2013 study published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, emotional intimacy involves a perception of closeness to another, sharing of personal feelings, and personal validation.

Additionally, Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City and faculty member in Columbia University's clinical psychology PhD program, defined it as allowing yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities, and trust.

And you might remember, early on in the podcast, we talked about how we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and so this is kind of the next step to that episode.

And if you haven't listened to it yet, I would definitely encourage you to go back. I think it was episode number five.

So, listen to that, and then listen to this one because I really think they kind of go in tandem with each other.

Five-Item Emotional Intimacy Scale (5:38)

Anyway, in 2005 Vaughn G Sinclair and Sharon W Dowdy actually developed the five-item emotional intimacy scale, which assesses the emotional intimacy component in one close relationship.

It was created with a study of different items which are fundamental components of an intimate relationship.

And these five components are:

• This person completely accepts me as I am
• I can openly share my deepest thoughts and feelings with this person
• This person cares deeply for me
• This person would willingly help me in any way
• My thoughts and feelings are understood and affirmed by this person

And so, the different measures of each of those components can help gauge a relationship's level of emotional intimacy.

And so that being said, what does this actually look like in a relationship?

Emotional Intimacy in Romantic Relationships (6:21)

Well, in 2017, Bustle published an article where experts illustrated this.

So, for starters, it's important to share your head and your heart. Dr Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist, explained that head is their agenda, and heart is what they are feeling and why.

So, couples with healthy levels of emotional intimacy often check in with one another, after work, at dinner, before bed, to hear how they're feeling and why they're feeling that way. They also tell each other their secrets.

Another relationship expert, Hope Suis, states that your partner should be one of the people who knows the most about you, including the things you tend to keep from everyone else.

They trust each other and are able to depend on them. And Suis also says that partners with healthy levels of emotional intimacy have developed faith that their partner will always have their back.

They also accept one another, even their flaws, even the little things that might bother them. And as a result, they can feel secure that their partner will not leave them for those flaws.

These couples always go to their partner first with big news. They're their confidant. The closest couples aren't afraid to have tough conversations that can help their relationship grow.

And I think those make sense, that these all sound like indicators of an emotional relationship. I mean, logistically, they make sense.

Why Do Gay Men Struggle with Emotional Intimacy? (7:30)

But for us gay men, it can seem unfathomable to think of a partner accepting our flaws and feeling like we won't be left for not being perfect.

I mean, from bad dating experiences, it can be difficult to imagine someone who always has your back, who you can depend on, or have tough conversations with while still feeling secure in your relationship.

And I think our conversations in episodes about perfectionism, internalized homophobia, and interpersonal vulnerability have already touched upon the fact that, for so long, when we were closeted, we felt we needed to hide who we were for fear of being rejected.

So now, even though we're out, we still may not feel secure in showing our authentic selves to potential partners for the fear of being rejected.

But by having our guard up, we're inhibiting ourselves from truly connecting with someone on a deeper emotional level. Additionally, we've touched upon gay loneliness way back when in the first episode, and gay loneliness can also lead to detrimental behavior.

I found this really great article published in Medium back in 2021 titled Gay Men and Our Desire for Deep Connection, and it provided some really great insights on this topic.

So, the author, Armando Sanchez, explains that, basically, we as gay men grapple with loneliness throughout our lives, and it starts when we realize we're attracted to men.

And as a result of hiding who we are, we're never fully connected to anyone. But connection is an integral part of life.

However, Sanchez states that gay men may convince themselves that we don't need deep connection or may even be incapable of it.

And he has this really great quote I want to read:

“It’s easier to hold this belief than to live in constant heartbreak and disappointment over the fact that others change or withdraw their connection from us when they find out we’re gay. There is a battle happening within us between our innate desire for connection and our belief that we do not want deep connection, and this battle has casualties.”

So, we're lonely, and when we're lonely, we tend to engage with others in ways that aren't fulfilling. And here's another quote:

“In gay world, we are able to be our full gay selves, but not necessarily our full human self. We experience joy and pleasure in many forms, but rarely do we feel seen or understood outside of our body, style, sexual position, social status, etc. This can increase feelings of disconnection and reinforce the belief that we’re better off alone.”

And you know what? We're not alone. A lot of gay men in the community feel like this.

But since such a large number of us feel this way, it makes it even more difficult to achieve a deeper connection.

And when we're all guarded and trying to date, we risk hurting ourselves further or hurting someone or dating.

Rebuild Your Ability to Connect (9:51)

So, first off, we need to assess our relationship with ourselves.

And if we've been hurt by lies and rejection for being gay from friends and family, or if we've been hurt by unhealthy relationships, we gotta take some time for ourselves to heal.

And to do this. Sanchez suggests that we start by doing some inner child work. For starters, we need to recall and reframe our childhood memories.

We need to explore memories from childhood that relate to our sexuality or that impacted the way we view the world as a gay person. Sanchez says to revisit these memories but as our current self.

So, we need to recall what was said and the impact it had on our younger self, but we need to be looking at that through the lens of our current self.

So, that being said, keep your focus on your current self and reframe the scene for your younger self. Console them and let them know that the negative actions was not deserved and was not his fault.

And, then once you're done, envision your future where you've healed and grown into a healthy gay man. Visualize your life in ways that are fulfilling to you.

So, in conclusion, acknowledge you can have the healthy relationship you want.

And here's another great quote:

“As gay men who grew up as gay children in a world bent on refusing to understand us and to reject us, we must take the time to understand ourselves and the pain we carry. Not only that, we have to let go of the belief that our pain was deserved or our fault.

This world was not kind to us, but that does not give us permission or reason to continue to be unkind to ourselves. We owe it to our younger self to learn what he was never taught — how to connect with others in a deep, authentic, and loving way without fear or need to be anything other than who we are. He is still starving for love and connection. Offer him the chance to experience connection and fulfillment.”

And to wrap up the article, the author offers a few reflection questions that I think we should all ask ourselves on a regular basis to check in with ourselves.

And these questions are:

• Number one, how do I show up with the people and connections in my life? Are we authentically ourselves, or are we guarded with them?
• Number two, do these feel fulfilling to me, or does part of me still feel like something is missing?
• Number three, what have connections in my life looked like up to now, and what do I want connections to look like in my future?
• And finally, number four, what do I need to do in order to create the types of connections I want, and how committed am I to doing this work?

And in addition to doing this inner work to give ourselves permission to trust and form connections, here are a few simple ways we can build emotional intimacy with a partner.

Build Emotional Intimacy with a Partner (12:09)

And these are coming from a 2020 NBC article where they interviewed a few experts on the topic.

So, number one, be strategically vulnerable to earn their trust.

Like I said, we already had that podcast episode on interpersonal vulnerability, so go back and listen to that if you haven't.

But I like this point of being strategically vulnerable because it takes things a step further. Strategic vulnerability is when you pick one place in your life to open up to someone instead of trying to be vulnerable in every area of your life.

So, it's kind of like taking baby steps to opening up. And you'll get to that place over time where you can be vulnerable in every area of your life but start off small.

So maybe something about work you might not discuss with a casual acquaintance and tell your partner that.

Number two, give your partner daily affirmations and compliments.

And I think this is so important and ends up getting overlooked a lot in relationships.

You know, this may happen when you start dating someone, and it's puppy love, but I've noticed with some guys I've dated, after a couple of weeks, this goes away entirely.

And obviously, relationships mature, and you're not going to be all goo goo ga ga in love 24/7, but it's still important to make an effort and communicate some form of compliment or affirmation.

And this article gives examples of verbal affirmations that can be as simple as saying, I want you to know how deeply I love you or I really appreciate the time you've taken to do X, Y, or Z.

And going off that point, I do think it's really important to communicate your love to someone, and by saying I love you instead of just love you, because I think that extra word I, I don't know. I know it's very small, but it just, saying to somebody I love you versus saying love you.

It just it, it does feel like it carries a different weight.

Number three, prioritize sexual satisfaction.

The article references a study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy that found that couples reported having a greater emotional connection when they were sexually satisfied.

And here's a quote from one of the experts featured in the article:

“While having sex itself isn’t a cure-all for improving your emotional bond, taking the time to learn and explore your partner’s desires — and having the same reciprocated — can lead to greater feelings of emotional connection in and out of the bedroom."

And finally, number four, make an effort to break out of your day-to-day routine.

Oh, and I feel like they're speaking to me directly. I didn't even really remember this part of the script when I started recording my intro today. So that's really weird how it connected, but here we are.

Anyway, going off of that, you know, when they say, make an effort to break out of our day-to-day routine, they state specifically that, you know, balancing our daily routines, we tend to fall into a cycle, and it can be boring, and then this can affect your relationship.

So, you know, for example, obviously, movie nights and cuddles are great, but it can feel stale after a while, especially compared to your early dating days, where you're still trying to impress your partner.

So, find some balance and incorporate some date nights into your relationship.

Maybe one weekend, you stay in, and you do that movie night, and the next you go out to dinner or a movie or something like that.

And, bonus points for experiential dates like traveling somewhere or taking a class or something along those lines because when you do that, you and your partner are trying something new together that breaks out of your cycle, and it's a brand-new experience that you get to share together.

Episode Closing (14:58)

And I think going off to that point especially it can really tie back to the tarot, because, you know, as we talked about in the Wheel of Fortune, it indicates the cyclical nature of life. The ups and downs, the ebbs and flows.

And just like a relationship, you know, over time, it could potentially get boring or stale, like they talked about, in making an effort to break out of the day-to-day routine.

So, I think that kind of goes hand in hand, where if you're somebody that's currently in a relationship and looking to open up a little bit more with somebody and to build up a deeper level of emotional intimacy, try to change things up a little bit.

You know, find ways to compliment or affirm your partner at least once a day, whether it's something as simple as I love you, or, you know, complimenting them for, you know, a hard day's work or something they've done around the house, or just something nice they did for you.

Also, look for ways to change up your dating life. You know, like I said, don't always just stay in and order takeout, try to do something. Try a new restaurant around town, go out and get a drink somewhere.

Get together with friends that you haven't seen in a while, you know, go online, see if there's a cooking class in your area.

Just something like that, to get out of the house and change up the routine, something that you haven't necessarily done before.

Because, again, when we start dating somebody, we might be going out all the time, but then over time, we just get comfortable.

And you know, it's good to be comfortable with somebody, but there's a difference between being comfortable and then getting too content in the relationship, where you're not putting in the work to keep it alive.

And for those of you who are single and, you know, have struggled opening up with people in the past, start trying to identify some ways where you can start being strategically vulnerable.

And even if you're not dating currently, try just implementing this in your life with your current relationships. You know, your friendships, your family relationships.

You know, maybe confide in a sibling, open up to them about something small that you normally wouldn't open up to a casual acquaintance about.

Or maybe one of your close friends, open up to them about something and start allowing yourself to be vulnerable in those relationships, to help you build up over time so that you can learn to trust people and hopefully build up the confidence to be open and vulnerable when it comes to dating a partner.

And, you know, I think it's also important to really take the time to assess who we're opening up to.

You know, just because you meet somebody on a date and you have a good time doesn't mean you should open up and spill everything out to them because you need to assess, are they somebody worthy of you being open and vulnerable with.

It should be a two-way street. And I'm pretty sure we covered this in the interpersonal vulnerability episode that, you know, odds are, as you open up to somebody, they'll also be opening up to you as well.

But if you feel like you're opening up and the other person is staying closed off, or if they seem to be kind of, you know, flaky, or keeping you at an arm's distance, then maybe that's a sign to kind of pull back a little bit and not to be guarded, but to assess the situation and see, is this somebody that's a worthy partner for me?

Because at the end of the day, any healthy relationship with a healthy level of emotional intimacy is built on trust, and you learn to trust people by being vulnerable.

You know, relationships aren't always pretty. There's gonna be ugly moments. You can't be perfect all the time.

So, if you're dating somebody who you can't be open with, and even if it's through no fault of your own, if it's because something about them that they're putting up walls, then that's a sign to really reassess our relationship and really kind of take time to think over if they're the person for you.

And when it comes to opening up to people and forming emotional intimacy, sometimes it might be easy, sometimes it might be hard. Just like the Wheel of Fortune, it ebbs and flows.

There's good times, and there's bad times, but it's important to remember when we have those bad times, it's not going to last forever.

But we need to assess what actions we can take and what we can control in that bad situation to help us get to a better situation.

And when we're in good situations, it's important to, you know, appreciate that time, but be mindful that things are not always going to be perfect.

Sometimes, things will get tough, and know that we will have to put in the work as well.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (18:16)

So, thank you all for listening. I hope you found this helpful.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions, you can email me rob@ajadedgay.com.

Also, please feel free to connect with the podcast on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @ajadedgaypod. You can also connect with me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (19:09)

Oh, my God. I thought I was recording the video, and I wasn't.

I recorded two seconds of my head setting the video up and then gave that whole little spiel without actually hitting record on the camera.

Well, I guess you bitches just aren't gonna see my face this week on TikTok. Sorry about it.