142. Get Over Your Het Lag

Snarky Opener (0:00)

I hear that iced coffee is a great cure for het lag.

Episode Introduction (0:24)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a non-jaded gay because I went and saw Swan Lake this past weekend, and I know it's super gay.

Yes, I love the ballet. I started going back in like, December 2023. I went to go see the Nutcracker, which I've seen it before, but when I went to see it in Philly, I found out that they have, like, $25 seats because they're considered, like, quote-unquote obstructed views.

Even though they're not really obstructed, you just don't have, like, the best seat in the house, and you're not, you know, looking at the stage straight on. You're a little bit at an angle.

But since I enjoyed it, and since it was pretty cheap, I thought I would try to go to some last year. So, I saw Gisele.

I saw one other last summer, but then I saw that this season they were having Swan Lake, which is, like, one of my favorites. So, I first got into it back in, like, 2010 when Black Swan came out.

I loved that movie. Loved the music. And then, you know, a couple years ago I watched Swan Lake on, I think Prime I rented it, but it was great. So, I was so excited to see it was coming to Philly.

My mom actually came with me. We had a great time. And, like, this is gonna sound hella gay, but it was so beautiful I literally almost cried.

Like when the final number came on. I mean, I'm familiar with the music because it's on Spotify, so I, like, listen to it to go to sleep at night, because it's super relaxing.

But so, when that final song came on and just hear the music rise, I knew exactly how the song went. I knew what was going to happen, and just, like, I had to fight back the tears.

Very gay, I know, but I loved it, and yeah, just had a great weekend.

Het Lag (1:52)

Anyway, from feeling the energy of the dance to feeling the exhaustion of heterosexist society today, we are going to be talking about the concept of het lag.

So, a little bit of background. I grew up around straight people my whole life.

And like I talked about in previous episodes, I didn't come out until I was 21 so I never really sought out a sense of gay community until later in life.

I mean, most of my friends were straight, and I viewed them as my friend circle, and then I just viewed gay bars and apps as a means to date people.

And it wasn't until I got a little bit older that I saw my straight friends on a different trajectory than me, which was especially pronounced politically speaking.

And so, in my late 20s, I started making more friends in the gay community. And moving to Philly, I've really been able to connect with others in the community.

And now that I have more gay friends, I have noticed a difference in how I feel and even sometimes express myself around them compared to my straight friends.

And we touched upon that concept a little bit last year in the code-switching episode, but this past summer, I saw a meme online talking about the concept of het lag.

You know, like jet lag, except being tired of dealing with straight people. So, I wanted to look into this concept a little more, and we will be getting into it. But first, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (3:09)

So, the card for this episode is The Star, which is a Major Arcana card. And I feel like we've been drawing a lot of Major Arcana cards lately, so seems like there's some big doings going on in our lives right now. 

Anyway, The Star is number 17 in the Major Arcana, so it's kind of getting close to the end of that cycle. 

In numerology, we add double digits together, which equals eight, and eight is tied to infinity, success, and power. And the number eight, if you turn it sideways, it kind of looks like an infinity sign.

So, you can think of our energy constantly flowing through us. Also, Strength is number eight in the Major Arcana, so these two cards are somewhat connected.

Now, The Star is considered to primarily have feminine energy, which is asking us to reflect and meditate. 

And in traditional depictions of this card, this energy is really illustrated by a woman kneeling with one foot on the ground and one foot in a pond and pouring water around her, which ties into the suits of Pentacles and Cups.

She's connected to both her emotions and also the stability found in the element of earth. And this card is signifying hope and healing.

In the Major Arcana, The Star immediately follows the tower, which represents destruction and turmoil and taking a leap of faith.

So, this card usually appears for us after we've gone through a challenging period of change and transformation.

And as we're entering this peaceful time, it's reminding us that anything is possible, and we have the strength to grow and develop wherever we choose to plant ourselves.

So, we've overcome the hardships and we're approaching the end of this current cycle or chapter.

But this card offers us a momentary reprieve to check in with ourselves, take stock of our current situation, and prepare ourselves to move forward so we can achieve completion of this cycle.

And again, this reprieve is calming and nourishing and reminding us that we have the strength, power, and energy to achieve what we desire.

What is Het Lag? (4:55)

So, with that in mind, let's start off the episode by talking about what het lag is. Now, I first came across this term on Instagram last year.

But after doing a little digging, I found a Reddit forum from five years ago called actuallesbians that included a screenshot of a tweet by Matt Horwood dated August 10, 2019.

So, with all that in mind, I believe that Matt Horwood was the first to create this term, but don't quote me on that.

Anyway, according to him, het lag is a noun and defined as a feeling of exhaustion and confusion experienced by queer people who have gone for prolonged periods of time surrounded only by straight people.

Now, despite that Twitter definition, I didn't find any articles or studies out there with the term het lag. In fact, Google continuously corrected it to jet lag. Rude.

But while that is a more whimsical definition, I think it highlights the real psychological burden LGBTQ+ people face when navigating environments dominated by straight people, which ties into the broader concept of minority stress.

And this also highlights some of the heavier aspects of LGBTQ+ mental health, such as code-switching and even heterosexism.

Minority Stress and Gay Men (6:00)

Now, the concept of minority stress has come up in some past episodes, but we never really talked about it in depth.

So according to the American Psychological Association's Dictionary of Psychology, minority stress is the physiological and psychological effects associated with the adverse social conditions experienced by ethnic, racial, sexual, and gender minorities and other groups who are members of stigmatized social groups.

So, in other words, it's the chronic psychological and physical strain experienced by individuals who belong to minority groups that face systemic discrimination.

And common sources of minority stress include:

·       Experiencing prejudice, discrimination, harassment, or verbal or physical violence

·       Expecting or experiencing rejection by others

·       Concealing one's minority identity

·       And internalizing negative societal attitudes about one social group that results in a negative self-view 

And this concept is frequently used by researchers to explain the increased rates of physical and emotional conditions among members of minority or marginalized groups.

And while marginalized groups all have their own unique experiences with minority stress, we're going to be focusing on how that manifests specifically within the LGBTQ+ community.

And it's important to note that these stressors associated with minority stress aren't just about individual experiences.

Instead, they're deeply rooted in our societal structures, which we've talked about in our heterosexism episode, as well as some of the discussions we've had about The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs.

In fact, according to the National Center for PTSD, minority stress can stem from external factors like discrimination and violence as well as internalized stigma and expectations of rejection.

And for gay men, these stressors can manifest in multiple ways, ranging from fear of coming out and social rejection to workplace discrimination and even challenges in healthcare settings.

Furthermore, a June 2023 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology titled Minority Stress Theory: Application, Critique, and Continued Relevance, asserts that minority stress has a direct impact on mental health and often leads to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse among gay men.

And this persistent stress of navigating a world that isn't always accepting can result in hypervigilance, emotional exhaustion, and feelings of isolation.

And not only does minority stress impact our mental health, it also affects our physical health.

In a 2020, National Athletic Trainers Association article titled Minority Stress and LGBTQ+ Patients' Mental Health, researchers found that this chronic stress can result in increased risks of high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, and weakened immune function.

And with both the emotional and physical symptoms there. I hope you picked up on the word chronic. It's important to note that with minority stress, because every day, we're participating in a world, in a society that was not created for LGBTQ+ people.

We don't adhere to the quote-unquote social norms, so we are navigating life differently than our straight peers, which can other us.

Compounding Effects of Minority Stress (9:00)

So, with that in mind, let's break this down a little further to understand how minority stress occurs through its three primary components. And these come from Psychology Today.

First is external stressors, which include discrimination, hate crimes, and institutional barriers.

Even microaggressions, you know, those subtle, often unintentional slights, can build up over time, which reinforces feelings of exclusion.

Next is internalized stigma. We've talked about it in the internalized homophobia episode, but as we experience these external stressors, we begin to turn that hate inward toward ourselves and start believing that we are less than or not worthy.

And growing up in a society that historically views homosexuality as quote-unquote other has led many of us to face those external stressors while we were figuring out our own identity.

And even after coming out, many of us may still struggle with self-acceptance, which can negatively impact self-esteem and relationships.

And the last component is anticipated rejection.

This is the expectation that discrimination or negative treatment will occur, which leads some of us to avoid certain social situations or conceal our identities in professional or personal spaces to mitigate the risk of encountering those external stressors.

And when you look at that framework, these combined factors can make every day experiences like dating, navigating social spaces, or even seeking healthcare more stressful for us, as gay men, compared to our straight peers.

Minority Stress & Isolation (10:26)

And going off of that last component of anticipated rejection and avoidance, one of the most profound effects of minority stress on gay men is social isolation.

According to a 2020 article published in Global Public Health titled Social Isolation and Connectedness as Determinants of Well-Being: Global Evidence Mapping Focused on LGBTQ Youth, minority stress contributes to a higher likelihood of loneliness and social disconnection among gay men, particularly those who experience rejection from family or struggle with internalized homophobia.

And this isolation can be exacerbated by societal expectations around heteronormative masculinity and relationships.

And some may avoid socializing altogether due to anticipated discrimination or discomfort in predominantly heterosexual spaces.

And while we may think of external stressors causing minority stress to come from outside of the LGBTQ+ community, unfortunately, we may perpetuate some of this from inside our community as well, which we talked about in episodes on gay men being competitive and why it's important to not be a quote-unquote mean gay.

In fact, the study found that some gay men may feel pressured to conform to specific social norms within the LGBTQ+ community, or face exclusion if they don't fit certain beauty standards or lifestyle expectations.

And unfortunately, this withdrawal can create a cycle. Social isolation increases stress, which in turn exacerbates mental health struggles.

And we talked about this concept of isolation a bit in Michael Hobbs' 2017 article titled The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness.

In it, he explained that while coming out was once seen as the key to happiness, many gay men continue to struggle with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse due to the chronic social rejection and unrealistic expectations within the community.

And despite the progress our community has made, the long-term effects of minority stress continue to impact gay men's mental health and sense of belonging.

Without supportive social connections within the LGBTQ+ community, we may also be at a greater risk for depression and unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse.

And when you consider the isolation and discomfort many of us feel in predominantly straight spaces, whether that's at work, social gatherings, or in healthcare settings, it's clear that het lag is a real, if informal reflection of these ongoing challenges.

Combatting Minority Stress (12:42)

So, with all of that in mind, how can we as gay men navigate and mitigate the effects of minority stress? 

Well, first and foremost, say it with me. Go to therapy. An LGBTQ+ affirming therapist can provide you with strategies to cope with stigma and discrimination effectively.

Additionally, we should all work to build supportive communities for one another. According to a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social Issues, community isn't just about personal friendships.

It's also about creating environments where LGBTQ+ people feel safe and valued.

That's why it's so important to have affirming spaces like LGBTQ+-friendly workplaces, queer-owned businesses, and social groups that celebrate our identities.

Through these spaces, we can find other like-minded people in our community to form genuine relationships with, whether that be platonic or romantic, where we can also be our authentic selves.

And way back when in 2022, we talked about how you can find your own community. And obviously, gay bars and apps are one way to meet people, but other avenues include:

·       Equality centers and volunteer groups

·       Meetup groups

·       Online groups and chats like Reddit

·       LGBTQ+ affirming faith-based groups

·       Employee resource groups

·       And friends of friends

I mean, for me, personally, through moving to Philly, I've made some great friends in the LGBTQ+ community through my Stonewall running group and also through friends of friends.

So don't be afraid to put yourself out there. And obviously, it can be easier to find your community in a city versus a small town, but even if you live in a more rural area, it's still not impossible to find those safe spaces.

If you don't have a strong local LGBTQ+ community, consider starting something yourself.

Whether it's a casual brunch group, a game night, or a volunteer initiative, small efforts can make a big difference in fostering connection.

And having this sense of community is so important since research suggests that having strong social networks can help LGBTQ+ individuals better mitigate the challenges and effects of minority stress.

And when it comes to building your own community, it's important that you're not just making acquaintances, but forming deep, fulfilling friendships within the community.

You know a large social circle isn't necessary. What matters is having a few close, trusted friends who support and uplift you. So, make sure you're prioritizing quality over quantity.

And strong friendships require trust. So, make sure you're being vulnerable and open.

Again, while het lag and minority stress can feel overwhelming, building supportive communities and seeking therapy can help mitigate this impact and allow us to break the cycle of stress and isolation so we can thrive as members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Episode Closing (15:16)

And connecting it back to the tarot, The Star, we are at this momentary reprieve of peace.

It's a very calming energy where we just have time to really look back at what we've overcome, reflect on where we're at now, and figure out what we want to do to move forward so we can achieve completion of the cycle we're in.

And in addition to being a very healing and hopeful card, it's a reminder of the strength we possess.

And as it connects to het lag and minority stress and the current state of the world. Look, we've gone through a lot. I mean, individually, as we've come to terms with our identity.

Many of us have had different coming out experiences. Politically speaking, we had a rough go of it in 2017 to 2021 and we're in the swings of it again now.

But despite all those challenges, we have still found a way to rise above and we are still here speaking up for our authentic selves.

So, let's just all take a moment to acknowledge some of the hurt and pain and challenges we've overcome, and really give ourselves a pat on the back for still being here and trying to forge a path for a better future.

And while we're seeing attacks left and right on the LGBTQ+ community, I think this is really a reminder that having a sense of community is more important than ever.

Obviously, we need our allies. We want our friends and our family, our straight peers, to be there for us and listen to us and support us.

But at the end of the day, they will never fully understand the things we've gone through, because we do face so many unique challenges that they will never be able to comprehend.

So, while we still want to engage our allies, it's really important that we have our sense of community within the LGBTQ+ community.

You know, whether that's through your gay friends that you go to the bar with to watch Drag Race every Friday night, or a group of local guys that you do rec sports with, or, you know, just that couple you know through friends of yours that you've met at a few parties.

Regardless of the circumstances, or whether you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert, or somebody who enjoys going out to bars, or somebody who prefers, you know, quiet game nights. 

Whatever that is, I think it's really important that we are finding our people right now and building our community, and also making sure that we're creating inclusive spaces so those who may be struggling to find their community can find the acceptance and support they need from either us or other outlets in the community.

And even though at times we may feel isolated and powerless given the state of the world, we need to remember that we are stronger than we know.

The Star is showing us that we have strength and we have infinite energy and we will continue pushing forward.

And also how appropriate that we pulled The Star, it's guiding us forward so that we can find those like-minded individuals within our community, whether platonic or romantic, so that way, we can really foster a stronger sense of unity, eradicate any sense of loneliness, overcome the exhaustion of het lag, and come together as a united, strong, energized LGBTQ+ community that is there to support and uplift one another, especially during these trying times.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (18:02)

So as always, thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this topic. And I stand by it. Iced coffee, it really helps overcome the het lag.

But in all seriousness, if you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. Five stars only. I greatly appreciate it.

For more information on this topic, along with episode resources, blog posts, links to merchandise, socials, all that fun stuff, you can visit the website ajadedgay.com.

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You can make a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee for any dollar amount, and both the Patreon and Buy Me a Coffee are @ajadedgaypod.

And also, heads up, the podcast is coming up on its third anniversary on April 19. I cannot believe it's been three years already.

So, to commemorate that, I have a very special offer for you all. For any of you LGBTQuties who sign up for the Patreon at any dollar tier, you'll be getting a little gift from me.

And that also applies to all the LGBTQuties already subscribed to Patreon.

So again, if you sign up for just the $1 tier, guess what? You're getting a gift.

If you sign up at the $3 tier, guess what? You're getting the non-jaded gay shirt and a gift.

And if you sign up at the $5 tier, you're getting the LGBTQutie shirt, a personalized shout-out, and a gift. 

So, if you were on the fence about joining Patreon, uh, now's the time to do it. And again, this offer will be running from now until the end of April.

So, sign up anytime. I appreciate the support, and you'll be rewarded with a fun little A Jaded Gay gift. Get excited.

And remember: every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness. Mmm-bye.

Outtake (20:27)

Whew, breathe, Rob, breathe.