135. Don't Be A Mean Gay

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Raise your hand if you've ever personally been victimized by a gay Regina George.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because, I don't know if this is real or not, but I got an email from this website called FeedSpot.

I guess they're a blog or RSS feed or something like that, where they kind of pull together information on different podcasts, outlets, different things based off of categories, so that way journalists and influencers can find them and connect with them.

Well, they reached out and told me that I was ranked number three on their 15 Best Gay Dating Podcasts list. So again, don't know if it's real or not, but pretty exciting. At least, I'm ranking somewhere.

Don’t Be A Mean Gay (1:01)  

Anyway, from ranking podcasts to ranking the gay hierarchy, today, we are going to talk about a trope as old as time, and that is the bitchy queen/mean gays stereotype.

And the reason I'm bringing this up, as you know, it's the beginning of a new year, the beginning of a new presidential administration.

God help us all, and it's probably gonna be rough, and there's a lot of hate and divisiveness in the world. 

And despite all the hate the LGBTQ+ community receives, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies and judge and critique within our community.

And like I said, there have always been the unfair stereotypes that gays are catty and bitchy, but unfortunately, there may be some truth to it.

I mean, from shade being thrown to the infamous mean gays trope, it's both celebrated and criticized in our community.

So since we're kicking off a new year, I wanted to understand why those behaviors manifest and talk about how we, as gay men, can be kinder to each other and build up our community.

Because now more than ever, we need to spread more kindness in the world, including the gay world. But first, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (2:08)  

So for this episode, we drew a Major Arcana card, and it is The Lovers in reverse. So Major Arcana cards signify a big life event and an important lesson.

The Lovers is number six in the Major Arcana, which in numerology, is tied to harmony and reciprocity. And numerically, six comes after five, which is sometimes referred to as the conflict number in the tarot. 

So this suggests that we've moved on from some kind of challenge or hardship, and we're starting to reach a place of harmony.

And also The Lovers are reflected in another Major Arcana card, The Devil, which is tied to sabotage, and specifically self-sabotage.

Now, while The Lovers typically relates to relationships and alignment, the reverse indicates we are in a state of disharmony or imbalance.

So this is telling us that we may be out of sync with those around us. You know, relationships can be strained and communication can be challenging, and there may even be a lack of respect for others.

So this card is telling us that we need to look within to understand what that imbalance is. 

Through reflection, we can learn to better love and accept ourselves, so that way, we can cultivate genuine happiness.

And when we find happiness within ourselves that will often be reflected in our relationships.

The Roots of Gay Competitiveness (3:21)

So with that in mind, let's kick off the episode. And truthfully, I wasn't sure where to start off. 

Surprisingly, searching bitchy gays online didn't pull up any scientific research or data, so a lot of the information I found for this episode comes from opinion pieces and blogs.

But I thought we would start by revisiting some findings from the Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Gays episode way back when from April 2023.

And as we've talked about in so many episodes, for gay men, there can be an obsession to be successful as a means of validation, because they feel shame for being gay.

And success can equate to having a perfect body or being the center of attention in social circles or having the most fabulous home or excelling in their career.

And connecting it back to The Velvet Rage, because it always connects back to The Velvet Rage, Dr. Alan Downs says that oftentimes this is a beautifully curated illusion to convince ourselves we're happy to overcompensate for the shame we faced growing up gay.

And while you can be successful without it being a byproduct of shame, there is a fine line between genuine success and this curated life Dr. Alan Downs talks about to put on a show for others to offset our gay shame.

And in a 2015, Huff Post article, Barrett Pall asserts that competitiveness within the gay community is a result of several factors, including moving to a more open and accepting environment, such as a big city or gay-friendly community, which can provide an opportunity to meet new people, but competition can escalate as men try to establish their place in a community that offers both freedom and pressure. 

There's also the fact that the gay community is divided into various subgroups, such as twink, otter, bear, top, bottom masc, and femme. And each of these categories comes with its own stereotypes and expectations, leading to the formation of cliques and reinforcing biases within the community.

Also, there's the fact that the fluid nature of relationships in the gay community can easily cross into multiple areas, such as sexual, romantic, platonic, or professional, which creates uncertainty about one's role in various social circles, especially as new groups form.

And ultimately, the interconnectedness of the gay community can contribute to a feeling of closeness that borders on claustrophobia as exes and friends often end up dating each other, which makes the pool of new potential connections feel limited.

Additionally, in a 2016 Pride article, Zachary Zane claims that some gay men may be competitive with one another since many were bullied as kids for being gay.

And with many of us coming from small towns, we recognized that cities were a safer and more accepting place for us.

But to escape our small towns, we had to excel and strove to have the best grades or to be super athletic so we could get scholarships to go to college.

So with all that in mind, it's no wonder that gay men can be competitive by nature.

But in the scope of interpersonal relationships within the gay community, some gay men may feel the need to compete and outperform others and enmesh themselves with like-minded gay men.

And as we mentioned, dividing ourselves into various subgroups either based on our physicality or personality, results in forming cliques.

Now, whether intentional or unintentional, cliques can yield catty, judgy, and downright mean behavior. 

And personally, I believe that for some gay men, being mean and judgy is a self-defense mechanism in response to being bullied and criticized for being gay.

Essentially, it's a way to cope and protect themselves from being hurt. Like, I'm going to put you down and hurt you before you have a chance to hurt me.

Or it could be a means to establish dominance in the quote-unquote gay hierarchy as a warning, like, don't try to come for me.

Again, that's just my opinion. I don't have hard science to back that up, but there may be something to this.

Internalized Homophobia and Mean Gay Behavior (7:01)

In a 2013 article in The Advocate titled Are Gay Men a Gay Man’s Worst Enemy?, Carl Sandle explores the idea that some of this mean gay cliquiness stems from internalized homophobia.

He argues that gay men face societal rejection, and as a result, many of us internalize feelings of inadequacy.

That hurt and frustration can unfortunately be redirected at each other through cutting remarks, judgment, or exclusion.

A 2014 Slate video expands upon this, where J. Bryan Lowder describes bitchiness as a defense mechanism and suggests that humor, sarcasm, and shade have long been tools for gay men to shield themselves from a hostile world.

And this has resulted in the inception of the bitchy queen trope, which I think we've all heard of before, or maybe even seen in depictions of LGBTQ+ people in media.

In a 2016 Out piece, Michael Musto actually explored this trope and examined when the quote-unquote bitchy queen becomes too much. In it, he states that while entertaining in media, this trope often spills into real life, where it stops being a joke and starts being toxic.

So, think of characters that are the sassy gay sidekick or the gay best friend. While they might be humorous on TV, sometimes those quips and attitudes influence behavior, and what begins as parody can sometimes encourage real-life meanness.

And with that in mind, think about some of the interactions you've witnessed in the gay world. How often do we see cattiness being used as a form of bonding?

On one hand, it can be a way to connect, to show off wit and humor. You know, sometimes we might take playful bitchy jabs at our friends, but for some they take it a step further when they direct that at others in a non-joking way.

Like we talked about, there are a variety of factors why gay men feel the need to excel, which can create an environment where people feel like they constantly have to compete or prove themselves.

And because of this, some choose to use this sense of cattiness to tear other gay men in the community down.

And it's in these circumstances when the bitchy jabs extend beyond playful bonding and instead cross the line into exclusion and bullying, which is downright toxic and problematic.

In fact, Jonny Harvey wrote about what he called gays behaving badly in a 2017 HuffPost article. 

Examining the culture of exclusion within gay circles, Harvey explains that social status, looks, and wealth can become criteria for acceptance.

He likens it to high school cliques, but in the adult world, and he claims it's amplified by apps, social media, and even nightlife.

Not only is this mean gay behavior damaging and hurtful to those who are targets of bitchy cattiness, but it also upholds harmful stereotypes which paint gay men as shallow or self-absorbed.

And according to a 2022 Polyester Zine article, the way we treat each other within the gay community often reflects how we're treated by the larger world. And I know I've talked about this in many episodes, but we are already a marginalized community facing hate and criticism on a daily basis, so we can't afford to tear our own community, apart from within, and we shouldn't.

Instead, we should be working to break the cycle of hurt and build each other up. So how can we do that?

Simple Practices for Everyday Kindness (10:09)

Well, first, we should stop comparing ourselves to each other.

In his YouTube video, psychotherapist Matthew J. Dempsey talks about the compare and despair phenomenon and how competition amongst gay men is a slippery slope because we are putting ourselves up against the men who are supposed to be our teammates.

So, to combat this compare and despair phenomenon, we should instead:

·       Appreciate what we have

·       Practice gratitude

·       Remove or replace comparative thoughts

·       Focus on what actually matters

·       And document our achievements

And taking it a step further, let's work on spreading kindness in the gay community.

Now, while there isn't necessarily a step-by-step guide on how to be nice as a gay man, there are some simple practices for being kinder in general.

First off, we need to understand the key aspects of kindness, which includes:

Empathy

So, try to see things from other people's perspectives and understand their feelings.

Active Listening

Pay full attention when someone is talking to you.

Positive Reinforcement

Give sincere compliments and acknowledge good deeds.

Generosity

Offer your time help or resources to those in need.

Gratitude

Express appreciation for the people and things in your life.

Forgiveness

Let go of grudges and be willing to forgive mistakes

And Respectful Behavior

Treat everyone with courtesy and consideration.

And we can all practice kindness by:

·       Performing small gestures, such as holding the door open for someone or offering to help with a chore

·       Volunteering our time

·       Being mindful of our words, which includes avoiding gossip and negative comments

·       Smiling and making eye contact since these nonverbal cues can convey kindness

·       And being present in conversations and focusing on the person we're with

Cultivating Kindness in the LGBTQ+ Community (11:49)

And putting it in the scope of the gay community, we should remain proactive in being an ally to all members of the LGBTQ+ community, not just the letters we identify with.

Educating ourselves. Remember every experience within the LGBTQ+ community is different, especially those whose sexual orientation intersects with race or gender identity.

So be mindful of LGBTQ+ experiences, terminology, and issues to better understand others' perspectives. 

Also use inclusive language, support LGBTQ+ businesses and events, create safe spaces for everyone in the workplace, social circles, and community spaces.

Listen actively and validate others' experiences, challenge stereotypes, and speak out against misconceptions about the LGBTQ+ community.

Donate to LGBTQ+ organizations, amplify LGBTQ+ voices, and advocate for policy change. And I really want to call out this last piece because there has been a ton of anti-LGBTQ+ legislation circulating across the country lately, especially anti-trans and anti-drag legislation.

And I feel the most recent election raised awareness around the quote-unquote normal gay guy vote. And I'm rolling my eyes as I say that.

You know, there are a lot of white, cisgender, wealthy, sometimes straight-passing gay men who believe rights for gay men like them are on one side of the fence, and rights for others in the LGBTQ+ community, like trans people, are on the other side of the fence, and that they're separate issues. 

However, any way you slice it, and whether they like it or not, the LGBTQ+ community is one community, and it should not be segmented based off of their own quote-unquote class system.

So even if anti-trans and anti-drag legislation isn't impacting those gays personally, they should still be raising their voices and speaking out against it.

One because it's the right thing to do, but two, because after those conservative bigots are done attacking trans people and drag queens, they're coming after the quote-unquote normal gay guys.

So, speak out against discrimination against all members and all letters of the LGBTQ+ community, and speak up for the advocacy for the community as well.

Episode Closing (13:57)

And connecting it back to the tarot, The Lovers in reverse. Again, this is telling us that we might be out of sync with those around us.

Maybe we're the ones that have been the bitchy, judgey gays, or maybe we've been the target of the bitchy, catty gays. Either way, we need to cut the shit.

I mean, as cliche as it sounds, hurt people hurt people. You know, a lot of us grew up hearing negative things about gay people, so we do have some level of internalized homophobia and shame within us, and what we do with that is up to us.

We can either let it control our lives and not be our authentic selves and judge, critique, and shame others who we view don't live up to our standards in the gay community, or we can find ways to mitigate it.

You know, going to therapy or taking the time to really reflect, to be the healthiest version of ourselves, so we can get rid of the shame and also prevent that shame from spilling over to others in the community.

We can instead build each other up and spread kindness, especially in a time when we need it so much. And like The Lovers in reverse says, we should look within to figure out what that imbalance is, whatever that hurt is that we're experiencing that causes us to be judgmental.

So that way, we can overcome that imbalance and then learn ways to better love and accept ourselves; our genuine selves. Because when we do that, that is when we can unlock true happiness.

And when we find happiness within ourselves, we can spread that happiness through the relationships we're in, whether they're with friends, family, partners, or just other members in the LGBTQ+ community.

So, as we're going into what's bound to be a turbulent year, let's really work on being kinder to one another. I mean, one as a whole, we should just be kind to everyone.

We don't know what people are going through in their day-to-day lives, so just practice kindness.

But two, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, whether we share an identity or not, let's really work to be each other's cheerleaders and raise each other up, amplify voices, be there to lend emotional support when needed, and really come together to support ourselves in the midst of this uncertain and scary time.

Support Queer Money (15:48)

And while we're talking about spreading love and kindness, something quick to plug before wrapping this up.

As you remember, last year, I had John and David from Queer Money on the podcast for a great episode about how LGBTQ+ people can manage their finances. I've always loved the Queer Money Podcast and the work they do.

Unfortunately, in one of their recent episodes, they announced that the company who had sponsored them over the years has opted not to renew their sponsorship, and so right now, they're kind of figuring out what's next.

They've still been releasing some episodes here and there, but they're kind of figuring out what the next step is, how this is going to impact their business, and how they're going to continue sharing the important life lessons for queer people on how to manage their money in a smart, responsible way.

So, in the interest of spreading kindness, please show David and John some love. Go over, check out Queer Money. They have a podcast, website, blog.

They have a newsletter where there's new topics coming out every week. Just subscribe to all the things, go out and support them because again, the work they're doing is so important.

It's really going to benefit you, and also, it's really important that we're supporting other queer creators out there, especially those who are giving so much back to the community.

So again, that is Queer Money. As soon as you're done listening to this, go check out all their things and show them all the love and support.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (16:57)

And as always, thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to also rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. I greatly appreciate it.

For more information on this topic, blog posts, links to merchandise, socials, all that fun stuff, you can visit the website jadedgay.com.

You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, maybe TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod.

I'm saying maybe TikTok because I don't know what's going on with that TikTok ban. By the time this episode goes live, it may no longer be there. Or you can connect with me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, if you're feeling generous, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That gets you instant access to episodes ad-free, a day early, plus exclusive monthly bonus content.

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And remember: every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (18:33)

Don't be a mean gay, you fugly slut.