128. Situationships: What's the Sitch?

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Just remember: it's all fun and games until your heart gets involved.

Episode Introduction (0:24)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a jaded gay because...

*So, this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.*

Yeah, I feel like there's nothing really more to say about that. So yeah.

I just feel like there's a lot of noise out there right now and a lot of discourse, and I don't really see my voice providing value in that right now.

So yeah, just make sure you remain informed and keep voting and, you know, make sure your voice is heard and speak out against injustices in a peaceful and respectful way. And buckle up.

Anyway, going from one bad situation to another. Today, we are talking about situationships.

That's it. That's the intro. I don't have much to give today. Um, yeah, situationships. We're going to talk about them.

First, you know the drill, let's pull our tarot card.

And I am going to try to really just muster up what energy I have left so I can kind of give some positive inflection in my voice for this. Here we go.

Tarot (1:44)  

So, the card we drew for today is the Two of Pentacles, which is very fitting for this episode.

Pentacles is tied to the element of earth. It's a very grounding and stabilizing force, and it's channeling feminine energy, which means it's meditative in nature. It's asking us to reflect.

And Pentacles is all about hard work, building our foundation, and reaping the rewards and success of our labor. In numerology, two is tied to duality, partnership, and choice.

So, when we draw the Two of Pentacles, it's indicating that we're balancing multiple responsibilities in our lives.

So, we need to be mindful of how we're spending our time and where we're spending our energy so we can remain in alignment with what we're working toward.

Romantically speaking, it reminds us to balance our relationships with our schedules to maintain a sense of stability and harmony. And again, the number two is tied to choice.

So, the Two of Pentacles is all about being mindful of the choices we're making and what will bring us the best outcomes, meaning which choice aligns with the foundation we're trying to build.

And with that in mind, let's kick off the episode by answering the question, what exactly is a situationship?

What is a Situationship? (2:53)

Well, according to Cambridge Dictionary, a situationship is a romantic relationship between two people who do not yet consider themselves a couple, but who have more than a friendship.

And according to Drawing Down the Moon, a London-based personal matchmaking agency celebrating over 40 years in business, this is different than a friend with benefits.

They state that a situationship is uncommitted and undefined, while a friends-with-benefits relationship is a casual sexual arrangement between friends.

Additionally, a situationship can involve emotional benefits, while a friend-with-benefits relationship usually prioritizes sex over emotions.

Expanding upon this, in a 2023 Cleveland Clinic article, psychologist Susan Albers asserts that a core theme of situationships is ambiguity. Here's a quote:

“Situationships are characterized by a lack of obligation or exclusivity, but the real hallmark is a lack of clear boundaries or labels. There are elements of friendship and romance, but they exist without defining the relationship. So, essentially, you have many of the benefits of a traditional relationship without having to make a commitment.”

And with that in mind, some examples of situationships include:

·       That one person you meet up with whenever they happen to be in town for work

·       The post-breakup rebound that you've been seeing for two months but can't imagine committing to right now

·       The special someone you're having a passionate love affair with over spring break and will never speak to again when school starts

·       That one devastatingly attractive individual you call every once in a while for sex

·       Or your go-to quote unquote plus one for couple-y events, whom you'd never dream of introducing to your parents, probably

Signs of a Situationship (4:35)

So now that we have some clarity over what a situationship is, let's take a look at some signs of situationships.

And Dr. Albers states that most situationships have most of the following five characteristics:

Number one, no labels or exclusivity

You've never had a DTR, which stands for define the relationship, conversation, and one or both of you may be seeing other people.

Number two, no clear boundaries

Expectations, both big and small, reasonable and unreasonable, play a crucial role in defining our relationships.

So, are you sharing expenses? Are they spending the night? Is it okay to meet family?

If neither of you are asking these kinds of questions, it becomes difficult to understand the nature of your connection.

Number three, irregular or superficial contact

Maybe they only text you once a week, or maybe you chat frequently but steer clear of deeper topics. 

Regardless, communication in situationships often ends up being sporadic, superficial, or both.

Number four, lack of integration into each other's lives

You've never met their parents. They've never met your friends.

If your connection seems to exist in a vacuum, it could be a situationship.

And lastly, number five, the relationship doesn't grow or end

Simply put, you aren't talking about the future or what either of you want long-term.

All you really know is that the relationship, whatever it is, is working well enough right now.

And here are some additional signs of a situationship, according to InStyle's Dr. Jenn:

Lack of progression

In a healthy relationship, you can expect certain milestones to occur, such as having date nights, spending weekends as a couple, meeting friends and family, sharing holidays, becoming exclusive, and exchanging your first I love yous.

Meanwhile, situationships tend to lack these milestones.

You're not integrated into their life

Couples typically share experiences like visiting their favorite coffee shop, meeting their colleagues at work, dining at their favorite restaurant, and spending time with their loved ones.

But if you're not being included in these aspects of their life, it's a sign that the relationship isn't growing. 

No real dates

Dating involves a degree of courtship to indicate your interest in the other person.

If your partner goes out with friends and chooses not to invite you, there could be a lack of investment in the relationship. And with that one, that's to a degree.

Obviously, it's important to have your time with your friends on your own, but if it's a regular occurrence and you've never met their friends, that could be a bit of a red flag.

The next one, a superficial connection

When interactions remain shallow, it indicates that your partner isn't making an effort to get to know you or share their true self.

And without genuine connection, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy, the relationship will struggle to evolve.

Inconsistent plans

If plans are erratic and often made last minute, it shows a lack of commitment to investing time and energy into getting to know you.

Even people who prefer spontaneity will typically plan ahead when interested in someone special. No plans for the future.

Healthy relationships involve discussions about future plans, whether it's trying new restaurants, planning vacations, or introducing you to friends.

If your partner isn't including you in these conversations, it may indicate they don't envision a future together.

Lack of a date partner for special events

If you find yourself attending family gatherings, holidays, or weddings alone, it's a sign of your standing in each other's lives.

Not being able to bring your romantic partner to these events indicates a lack of commitment.

No evidence of being a couple

If your partner's friends and family are unaware of your existence, it's a clear indicator of where you stand.

And while this is common in the early stages of dating, it can signal a problem in the long term.

And lastly, you feel anxious or bored

Inconsistent communication and a lack of planned dates can lead to anxiety.

Similarly, if your time together lacks romance and is confined to each other's bedrooms, you might find yourself feeling bored.

These emotions can signal that you're in a situationship that isn't progressing towards something more meaningful.

Now, all that being said, being in a situationship isn't inherently good or bad. It ultimately depends on the people involved, how they interact, and what they want.

And situationships can actually be fulfilling when both people involved are on the same page and want that.

How Situationships Affect Your Mental Health (8:50)

However, the ambiguous nature and lack of communication can be frustrating and confusing. And in these situations, no pun intended, a situationship can really mess with our mental health.

According to Anchor Therapy, any meaningful connection in our life will have either a positive or negative impact on our lives.

And when two people are in a relationship, it's likely that someone will care or fall more for the other person.

However, since situationships lack clear boundaries, they can result in emotional and mental trauma. 

And this is because falling in love occurs in three stages:

·       Lust

·       Attraction

·       And attachment

And in well-defined connections, so let's say a traditional romantic relationship, you understand what the attachment is and can determine if it aligns with your romantic goals.

And when we're in situationships, we experience those same stages of falling in love, but the connection is uncertain.

Again, a situationship may sound ideal when both people are on the same page, but feelings can change. 

And one person may start wanting something more than the other person can offer, which can lead to issues down the road.

And this is especially challenging because situationships fail to provide the emotional support and sense of well-being a person receives from being in a committed romantic relationship.

So, when a person becomes attached in a situationship, they may struggle with low self-esteem and self-confidence due to the lack of emotional connection.

Additionally, if you've invested a lot of time in a person and there's no commitment of any kind, you might begin to feel jaded and like the situationship is pointless.

And these uncertainties that arise are not good for our mental health in the long term.

According to Michelle Herzog, a certified sex therapist and dating coach, that emotional disconnect in a situationship can be a constant source of anxiety, low self-worth, and stress.

Now, surprisingly, when I Googled gay men and situationships, I couldn't really find anything. There weren't any studies about relationship types or comparisons between gay and straight dating styles.

So, I don't know if gay men are more inclined to find themselves in situationships compared to straight people.

But I think our previous episode on attachment styles could probably provide some explanations as to why gay men may enter a situationship, whether they're the one who's more attached or distant.

So, something to think about.

How to Deal with a Situationship (11:13)

But if we find ourselves in a situationship, what should we do?

Well, here are a few suggestions from Dr. Herzog:

Number one, pay attention to your feelings

How do you feel, both during interactions and in between dates?

Track your physical and emotional responses, such as feeling judged, validated, relaxed, or anxious. And consistent feelings of unease may indicate the relationship isn't serving you well.

Number two, have the talk

Clearly communicate your relationship goals to see if they align with the other person's.

This might sound scary, but honest communication is extremely important in situationships. And sometimes, the talk leads to a mutual agreement to define the relationship.

And remember, if your relationship goals don't align, it doesn't make either of you bad people. It just indicates incompatibility.

Number three, make a pros and cons list

Listing out pros and cons helps you assess the positives and negatives of the situationship objectively, especially around significant issues like commitment and trust.

And be sure to prioritize significant factors like commitment over minor shared interests. Even if there are many pros, key cons like lack of commitment should be taken seriously.

Number four, explore your options

Question if what you're receiving from the situationship is truly unique, or if it's time to seek fulfillment elsewhere, even if that means dating others or spending time alone.

And number five, give it more time, but not too much

Give the situationship an amount of time, such as a month, to see if the relationship develops.

But after this period of time, ask yourself if you're happy with the progress or if there's a shift in dynamics.

Situationship Red Flags (12:54)

However, be mindful of these major red flags that can appear in situationships, as outlined by the Cleveland Health Clinic:

One-sidedness

If one person has more control or different expectations in the situationship, it can create imbalance and emotional strain.

So, ask yourself, if your situationship ended tomorrow, how would you feel, and do you think they'd feel the same way?

Another red flag, feeling underwhelmed

When you feel you're only called upon when they have nothing better to do or for sex, it can signal disrespect or emotional neglect.

If it seems like they don't genuinely care about you, this may indicate an unhealthy dynamic.

Dishonesty

If your partner keeps aspects of you hidden, like keeping you from meeting their friends or family or not wanting to be tagged in your social media, that could be a bad sign.

Fear of communication or vulnerability

Feeling unable to express your wants or needs openly or only engaging in shallow conversations may suggest that you're suppressing your true feelings out of fear, which can be a red flag.

And lastly, game playing or manipulative behavior

If the other person strings you along with minimal communication or breadcrumbing, they're likely manipulating your interest without genuine commitment, which is typical in toxic relationships.

How to End a Situationship (14:10)

So, with that in mind, whether you're witnessing red flags in a situationship or realize it just isn't for you anymore and you need something more substantial, how do you break things off?

Well, going back to the Cleveland Health Clinic article, Dr. Albers says that the best action to take is to be direct and clearly communicate that the situationship is over, rather than leaving things ambiguous.

And this should include cutting any lingering contact since confusing, sporadic messages can hold you back.

And this is easier said than done. Just because the situationship isn't a typical romantic relationship doesn't mean it's not still a form of a relationship.

It's going to hurt and you're going to feel sad. So, allow yourself to feel your feels and give yourself time to grieve.

And we had two episodes last year about grief, so definitely check those out.

Additionally, here are a few other steps you should take:

Acknowledge the complexity

Recognize that ending a situationship can feel different than ending a traditional relationship, and so typical breakup support might not seem to apply.

Seek internal support

If friends aren't aware or empathetic, rely on self-reflection to process the ending.

Reflect on your unmet needs

Remind yourself that the situationship likely ended due to unmet needs or incompatibilities.

Pause and journal

Take time to journal about what you gained, learned, and would like to avoid in future relationships.

And that kind of ties back to an episode way back in 2022 about manifesting Mr. Right.

And lastly, adopt a growth mindset

View the situationship as a learning experience rather than a failure, and appreciate it as part of your relationship journey.

Episode Closing (15:48)

Again, there's nothing wrong with being in a situationship if both partners are on board with that, but as Radiant Self Therapy notes, they can become toxic and block the possibility of having a genuine, healthy relationship.

And as we come to the end of this episode, be sure you're assessing your own relationship patterns.

If most of your relationships turn into situationships, consider how that pattern aligns with your romantic goals.

Additionally, if situationships are a recurring pattern and are unfulfilling to you, therapy may help explore underlying reasons, especially if avoidant or anxious attachment styles are involved.

And lastly, be sure to focus on finding support to help build fulfilling, secure attachments. And connecting it back to the tarot, the Two of Pentacles.

Again, two is all about duality, partnership, and choice. And when we put ourselves out there in the dating world, we're faced with infinite choices.

Do we swipe left or right on this person? Do we go out with this person who asked us out first, or do we go out with this other person that we've been vibing with more? Are we looking for a hookup, or are we looking for something more long-term?

And all these choices, while they may seem little or individual, are ultimately carrying us forward on our romantic journey.

And again, with this episode in mind, there's no shame in whatever romantic pattern feels best to you, whether you're looking for something more casual, a situationship, a long-term monogamous relationship.

As long as everyone is safe and consensual, to each their own. But we should be mindful of our own dating practices because while it might just seem like a little fling here or there, ultimately, those add up over time.

And in five years, we may look back and think, why was I in all these flings without ever finding that long-term relationship I was looking for?

So, this card should remind us to really be intentional in the choices we make as it relates to dating. And even if we're dating somebody, we should continue to assess what our dynamic with them feels like.

Are they somebody we feel safe with and that we can be ourselves around, or are we always feeling anxious waiting for them to show up?

And if we find ourselves in a situationship, we need to assess if this is the right situation for us to be in. 

And again, while it can be scary to make that choice to break off a situationship, ultimately staying in a dynamic that lacks clarity or boundaries, that could prevent us from finding that right person.

Again, our dream guy could be right around the corner, but if we're trapped in a situationship, we'll be blocked from meeting them.

So regardless of what state of dating we're in, whether we're just putting our feelers out there through a dating app or actually have been seeing somebody for a little bit, we want to continuously assess where we're at and look within to make sure that our connections feel genuine and that we're making choices that align with the foundation we're looking to build in a romantic relationship.

And something I really want to highlight, while the Two of Pentacles is reminding us to be mindful of the choices we're making and which ones will bring us the best outcome, the best outcome does not always necessarily have to mean the most, happiest outcome in that moment.

You know, it's easy to get swept up in the feels and the butterflies when you meet somebody instantaneously, and you're just head over heels for them.

There's that instantaneous attraction, but just because you feel that initially doesn't mean they're the right person for you.

You know, sometimes those butterflies we think we're feeling are actually anxiety or our cortisol levels spiking. So, that's obviously not always the best dynamic to be in.

So, while you can think, oh, wow, this person, I just feel this way around them. I'm going to make the choice to be with them because that's what makes me happiest in that moment.

While you may feel that temporary sense of excitement in that moment, that doesn't mean that that's the best choice for you in the long term.

So again, we want to make choices that have the best outcome for us, but that doesn't mean making choices that make us happiest or most ecstatic in that moment.

It means making choices that align with the foundation we're trying to build and will bring us happiness in the long term.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (19:27)

So, as always, thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Situationships. I think we've all found ourselves in them. Have you?

If so, I'd love to hear more about it. Tell me your situationship stories and how things progressed, whether you had the talk and it led to a happy relationship or if you had to break things off.

And maybe any tips or words of wisdom you'd give to others out there who find themselves in similar situations. You can send me those stories along with any feedback at rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast, five stars only. I greatly appreciate it.

For more information on this topic, along with episode resources, blog posts, links to social and merchandise, all that fun stuff, you can check out the website ajadedgay.com.

You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, if you're feeling generous, you could support the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That gets you instant access to episodes ad-free, a day early, plus exclusive monthly bonus content.

Or, if you'd rather just access the bonus content, you can purchase those episodes individually for $3 each.

And, if you're scared of commitment, maybe that's why you're in a situationship. Don't worry, I get it. You can make a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee for any dollar amount. And both the Patreon and Buy Me a Coffee are @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (21:19)

And remember, if your relationship goals don't align, it doesn't make either of you bad people. It just indicates incompatibility.

That's not true for my situationship exes. You were bad people.