118. Heterosexism: Take Off the Straight Jacket

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Of course, I don't think being straight is a choice. I mean, why would anyone choose to be so boring and average?

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because... Okay, story time.

So, I listen to podcasts, obviously. And I really love Good Children podcast. I found it last year. It's quickly become one of my faves. I mean, the hosts, Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella, are hilarious.

I listen to it Wednesday mornings when it comes out at the gym, and I have to, like, bite my lip, so I'm not just, like, laughing out loud at the gym. Anyway, that being said, I have kind of developed a crush on Andrew Muscarella.

You know, every once in a while, when he posts a story, I'll slide into his DMS, and, you know, I like his pictures and all that stuff on Instagram. I mean, don't get excited. It's very much a one-sided relationship. I still have not heard back yet, but it's okay. I persevere.

Anyway, so he posted something. I mean, this has got to be a couple months ago at this point. But he posted, like, a really funny Instagram reel walking through the streets of New York City and drinking an espresso.

And, of course, there's a Sabrina Carpenter Espresso reference in there, which, also, love that song. I don't care what the Billboard charts say or what anybody says, that is the song of the summer for 2024. 

But anyway, like, towards the end of the video, he goes, like, you know, that's that me. So, I commented on the post saying, that's that me with, like, the hand clapping emoji in between. So, it's like, that's that me.

So, I commented that right? Well, here we are two months later, and that comment has gotten 170 likes on the comment itself.

And, I mean, that's more likes than my Instagram posts normally get so, like, there's your action. Everybody, step up. Start liking my posts a little bit more.

But seriously, this comment is getting more likes than my own social posts. So, I don't know. I guess people liked it, and hopefully, that'll, you know, find its way to Andrew Muscarella, and he'll DM me back.

And if anybody out there listening knows Andrew Muscarella, like, give him my number, okay?

Heterosexism (2:15)  

Anyway, enough about me. Moving on from my depressing dating life to something even more tragic: hetero woes. Today, we are talking about heterosexism.

You know, most of the time when people do something bad or discriminatory to gay people, we tend to call it homophobic or homophobia.

And there has been some discourse over that word because a phobia is something you're irrationally afraid of, as opposed to being hateful.

And in recent years, I've seen the term heterosexist pop up. And so, I've been wondering, is there a difference between the terms homophobia and heterosexism?

And can they be used interchangeably, or do we need to be very careful with which term we're actually using to address hate?

So, we're going to get into it, but first tarot time.

Tarot (3:01)  

So, the card for this episode is the Two of Pentacles in reverse. Pentacles is tied to the element of earth, which is very grounding and stabilizing in nature.

It's feminine energy, so it's meditative and asking us to reflect. And Pentacles is all about putting in the hard work and reaping the fruits of our labor. It's tied to financial prosperity, but I like to think of it more as emotional prosperity.

And in numerology, two represents duality, partnership, and choice. And when we draw the Two of Pentacles in reverse, it's indicating there may be some tension in our lives and not the good kind like Kylie Minogue sings about.

And as a result of this tension, we may feel unbalanced and not in harmony with the world around us. And usually, this occurs when we've over-committed to too many things, and we've spread ourselves thin.

You know, we can't be everywhere at once. We can't do everything at once. And we can't be everything at once. So, this card is asking us to reflect, to see what area we need to prioritize on and put our focus there.

Figure out what you should actually be spending your time and energy on and start working in that area. Because if you're just doing half-assed attempts at everything, trying to see what sticks, you're not going to move forward anywhere.

You really need to find that area you're passionate about and start putting your energy there and putting your full attention there if you really want to see the results.

So, with that in mind, let's get into the episode.

What is Homophobia? (4:18)

And you know, I love to do it. We're going to start with a vocabulary lesson. According to Merriam-Webster, homophobia is the irrational fear, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or gay people.

According to Britannica, George Weinberg, an American psychotherapist, coined the term homophobia in the mid-1960s. And this happened as he observed the hostile reaction from his colleagues toward his gay friends.

Weinberg later discussed this concept with the early gay rights activists Jack Nichols and Lige Clarke. Nichols and Clarke then used the term homophobia on May 6, 1965, in Screw, a pornographic magazine aimed at straight men.

This magazine article used the word in reference to how straight men may fear they're gay. And this marked the first time homophobia appeared in print. Also in 1969, Time introduced this term to a wide audience in a cover story titled The Homosexual in America.

Then, in 1972, Weinberg published his book Society and the Healthy Homosexual. This was the first time he used homophobia in print, stating that those who were prejudiced against gay people were irrational and that gay people themselves were not intrinsically disordered.

And, fun fact, he was also a leader in the successful campaign for homosexuality to be removed from the list of mental illnesses in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

So, thank you, George Weinberg.

What is Heterosexism? (5:45)

Now, in comparison, Merriam-Webster defines heterosexism as the discrimination or prejudice against non-heterosexual people based on the belief that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality.

And this and homophobia have similar definitions, but you can see that heterosexism is absent of the fear of homosexuality and instead emphasizes that it's when people believe that heterosexuality is the only normal sexuality.

Merriam-Webster states that the first use of heterosexism occurred in 1972. However, it is believed that the term was actually created by Craig Rodwell in 1971.

And that name may sound familiar because Rodwell was a gay activist, and we actually talked about him a bit in the Stonewall Riots episode last year.

As a refresher, he contacted the New York Times, The New York Post, and The New York Daily News to let them know what was going on the first night of the Stonewall riots, which helped garner greater attention.

And later, he and his partner, Fred Sargeant, created leaflets calling for gay people to own their own establishments, for a boycott of the Stonewall and other mafia-owned bars, and for public pressure on the mayor's office to investigate the intolerable situation.

And one of those iconic leaflets read, "Get the mafia and the cops out of gay bars."

But back to heterosexism. In January 1971, Rodwell published an article in QQ magazine titled The Tarnished Golden Rule.

And in it, he wrote:

"After a few years of this kind of liberated existence, such people become oblivious and completely unseen of straight prejudice, and to coin a phrase, the heterosexism surrounding them virtually 24 hours a day."

Homophobia vs. Heterosexism (7:26)

Again, both the definitions of homophobia and heterosexism are similar, and they tend to be used interchangeably. But there are a few distinctions between the two terms.

So, the first difference is that homophobia is generally more individual and a personal or emotional response directed toward gay, lesbian, and bisexual people, while heterosexism relates to systemic discrimination and the societal privileges of being straight.

Acts of homophobia are often apparent and hostile, while heterosexism is more subtle and ingrained in society. And the latter is often perpetuated through cultural norms, policies, and institutional practices. 

And lastly, homophobia affects people through personal and direct actions. Meanwhile, heterosexism impacts individuals by creating an environment that marginalizes and disadvantages LGBTQ+ people on a structural level.

So, by going over those differences, I'm sure you can probably think of homophobic actions such as using anti-gay language, workplace bullying or harassment, or physical assaults, all focused on someone's sexual orientation.

But on a systemic level, some examples of heterosexism include:

·       Marriage laws that only recognize heterosexual unions

·       Media representation that predominantly features heterosexual relationships

·       Workplace policies that do not accommodate or recognize same-sex partnerships

·       And educational curricula that exclude or misrepresent LGBTQ+ issues and histories

Manifestations of Heterosexism (8:56)

Furthermore, Case Western Reserve University's LGBT Center asserts that stereotypes and assumptions are at the root of heterosexist attitudes, which simplifies and disempowers the LGBTQ+ community.

And there are a few forms of how this manifests:

The first is over-sexualization.

Think of it this way: when a straight person introduces someone to their significant other of the opposite sex, people are usually like, oh, that's nice.

But when a queer person introduces someone to their significant other of the same sex, that person may automatically label that queer person for their sexual attraction to their same-sex partner.

And this has been something that I've struggled with in the past, and I think I talked about it in the We Are Family episode with my sister Michelle.

You know, she had boyfriends all throughout high school and college, and her relationship was viewed as a partnership versus a sexual thing. But for me, I always felt nervous telling my parents if I was dating a guy, because I was afraid their first thought would be, oh, he's having sex with men.

And this is a real thing. Some people with heterosexist attitudes assume LGBTQ+ people are only sexual beings rather than complex people who have, among other significant features, a non-homosexual orientation.

This also extends to people who assume that every gay person they meet is attracted to them. Like, don't flatter yourself, you basic straighty on the street. We have higher standards than that.

Or another example of over-sexualization is interpreting everything LGBTQ+ people do directly correlates to their sexuality.

The next manifestation is denying significance.

And this includes both personal and political significance. An example of denying personal significance is when someone expects people to avoid talking about anything LGBTQ+ related, including their partners or relationships.

And politically speaking, this can include criticizing LGBTQ+ people for quote-unquote making an issue of their sexuality and not understanding our culture.

And you know, I've learned over the years not to talk to my family about politics. Not that they're Bible-thumping conservatives, but they don't really understand things that affect me personally.

They think socially, everybody should be treated equal, but they don't realize how marginalized communities are treated so differently. And during the 2016 and 2020 elections, I was really concerned about the outcomes.

And when I would talk to my dad about it, he'd be like, well, you like to get fired up over politics. Like, yes, I do, because my rights are being debated every election cycle. Rights that my dad has been given automatically because he's straight.

And I remember when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. My dad was like, oh, well, you know, people like to get worked up about Supreme Court judges being appointed, but what they do doesn't really affect us.

And then, fast forward a year and a half later, Roe v Wade was overturned. And the conservative judges said they wanted to revisit cases that allowed people access to contraception and legalized same-sex marriages and interracial marriages.

And fortunately, when that happened, that scared my dad, and he opened his eyes up a bit. But still, unless a straight person really follows LGBTQ+ politics, they don't realize how much of a threat we're under politically.

And, as Case Western Reserve University's LGBT Center notes, heterosexuality is politically supported by giving legal, financial, and emotional privilege to heterosexual relationships while legally denying LGBT individuals involved in same-sex relationships, housing, jobs, and child custody. And some people refuse to acknowledge this.

Another manifestation of heterosexism is labeling being LGBTQ+ a problem.

Here's looking at you, conservative Christians voting for Trump.

Next is making LGBTQ+ people invisible.

Most of us are aware that society assumes everyone is straight and cisgender until someone comes out. 

You know, we need to hide LGBTQ+ representation from children because otherwise, it's quote-unquote grooming and sexualizing children. But then people have no problem asking little girls and boys if they have boyfriends and girlfriends, respectively.

This also includes assuming everyone wants to get married or have a traditional heteronormative life. We've talked about this before with bi-erasure, but denying that bisexuality exists is an example of making LGBTQ+ people invisible.

And lastly, is considering heterosexism to be less significant compared to other forms of oppression.

The next category of manifestation is generalizing.

This assumes that one LGBTQ+ person represents the entire community. Or on the flip side, this can involve separating one LGBTQ+ person from the rest of the community.

For example, I think straight people think this is a compliment. But how many of us have heard someone tell us, oh, but you don't seem that gay?

Conversely, I'm not entirely sure if this falls into this category, but here's a personal anecdote.

Years ago, I had a close female friend, and she got mad at me because she thought I wasn't paying enough attention into what was going on in her life. Even though she only talked about herself, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, instead of telling me this, she would ignore my text messages or send passive-aggressive messages, assuming that I would mind-read her cryptic messages and realize she was mad at me. Plot twist: I didn't.

So, after three months of this, she finally texted me and was, like, oh, I found out who my real friends were this semester. You weren't there for me. Blah, blah, blah. And she just went off, which caught me completely off guard.

But as we were hashing it out, I told her that I wish she would have told me this so we could have addressed the problem up front instead of letting it fester with her being pissed off at me and me being oblivious to it.

And her response was, yeah, I should have told you. I sometimes forget that you're not a girl, so you don't get how girls communicate.

Like a lot to unpack there. First, her communication method was not tied to her gender. It was tied to her immaturity. So, you're generalizing that all women communicate like that.

And two, you're correlating gay men and women as being similar. So, you're generalizing that I'm a gay accessory that talks like a girl. And I don't know if she meant it that way, but it left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, bear with me. We're close to rounding out these manifestations.

Next, is expecting to be taught.

We've seen this with various marginalized communities, but it's not our job to educate the mainstream. 

If you are a person existing in this society, then it is your own responsibility to educate yourself and evolve with the times. You can't expect others to do that for you.

Sometimes it seems like a lot of my straight friends come to me with LGBTQ+ related questions. And part of me appreciates that they're interested in knowing more, but the other part of me wonders, what would you do if I wasn't your friend, or if I wasn't your gay friend? Would you take the initiative to look these questions up yourself?

And also, I'm a cisgender, white gay man. There's only so much I know based on my own personal experience, and there are so many other experiences within the LGBTQ+ community, which I try to learn about on my own to better understand for myself. Not so that I can educate all my straight friends.

And the final manifestation of heterosexism is misdefining LGBTQ+ aspects.

And some examples of this include:

·       Confusing bisexuality with nonmonogamy

·       Assuming bisexual people are promiscuous

·       Assuming lesbians hate men

·       Thinking of bisexuality and homosexuality as a phase

·       Trying to help someone go straight

·       And assuming that LGBTQ+ individuals want to convert homosexuals

Basically, a lot of dangerous stereotypes that many of us have heard before.

Also, another common occurrence that can exacerbate heterosexism is using the word gay as a synonym for bad or stupid. And you'll remember that discussion from our That's So Gay episode last year.

Microaggressions & Trauma (16:17)

Now, I'm sure most of us have experienced some form of heterosexism in our lives, and it's exhausting having to deal with it.

A 2020 study published by Public Library of Science titled Heterosexist Microaggressions, Student Academic Experience and Perception of Campus Climate: Findings from an Italian Higher Education Context found that subtle forms of heterosexism shape the social and academic experience of students in higher education contexts.

The study also mentions how microaggressions frequently include environmental slights that communicate hostile and derogatory messages about one's sexual minority status. And we've touched upon microaggressions in past episodes.

And I'm going to read a brief quote from Derald Wing Sue’s 2010 book, Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Race, Gender, and Sexual Orientation regarding microaggressions and sexual orientation:

"Sexual orientation microaggressions reflect heterosexism and long-held societal biases that continue to have a negative impact on the lives of individuals who are not heterosexual. The daily effect of this type of microaggression is an increase in marginalization, isolation, and devaluing of the lives of sexual minorities."

Going a step further, in a 2022 Psychology Today article, Chris Tompkins, a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, explained how heterosexism can be traumatic.

He writes that mental health professionals typically classify trauma into two categories: physical and emotional. And these are sometimes informally referred to as big T trauma and little T trauma, respectively.

Physical trauma includes domestic violence, sexual assault, death, a natural disaster, or the experience of war. And this type of trauma, the big T trauma, tends to be more recognizable than emotional trauma. 

However, even though emotional trauma is considered little T trauma, it's a highly distressing event. Here's a quick quote:

"Although this classification of trauma may make physical trauma appear to be more severe than emotional trauma, the effects of emotional trauma, especially if they're ongoing, are just as harmful." 

And from what we covered earlier, heterosexism and heterosexist acts seem to fall into the category of microaggressions, many of which we face on a daily basis. So, odds are, we may be carrying around some little T trauma from living in a heterosexist society.

And Tompkins goes on to cite research stating that heterosexism is an important predictor of PTSD among gay, lesbian, and bisexual people, and it is also linked to psychological distress in general.

And circling back to that Public Library of Science study, researchers found that heterosexist environmental microaggressions on campus were associated with negative perceptions of campus climate through lowered satisfaction with peer group interactions and perceptions of faculty concern for student development for both heterosexual and non-heterosexual students.

And the largest heterosexist microaggression reported by students was hearing peers saying that's so gay.

How to Combat Heterosexism (19:23)

Now, while we may all be conscious of heterosexism around us, it can sometimes be challenging to overcome this.

After all, our society is built upon heterosexism, and speaking an affirmation or implementing a breathing technique isn't going to change this.

But there are some ways that we can encourage our allies to combat heterosexism. And these come from the Safe Zone Program at Kentucky State:

·       Be nonjudgmental

·       Recognize that being LGBTQ+ is nothing to be ashamed of or judgmental about

·       It's homophobia, not sexual orientation or gender identity, that's the problem

·       Use gender-inclusive and nonheterosexist language

·       Don't assume gender identity or sexual orientation

·       Don't tease or harass others

·       Don't out people

·       Don't think of LGBTQ+ people solely in terms of their sexual orientation

·       Don't engage in homophobic jokes, comments, slurs, or other behaviors

·       Speak up against acts of homophobia and heterosexism when you witness them

·       Remember that an individual's sexual orientation involves more than sexual behavior

·       And allies should also educate themselves and engage in inclusive practices

Episode Closing (20:32)

And as frustrating as it may be, I think it's important to remember that this kind of change won't happen overnight.

But we have to be consistent and hold others accountable for challenging their heterosexist beliefs and behaviors.

And connecting it back to the tarot, Two of Pentacles in reverse. Like we talked about, if we're over-committing to every aspect of our life, we're going to spread ourselves thin. And we'll be stressed out, and we won't be able to really focus on getting the work done.

Much like looking at heterosexism, it's something that's so deeply ingrained in our society. It's not just something we can simply say, yep, we see it, and now it's going away. It's something we have to consistently work at.

And that can be very overwhelming because there are so many different avenues to approach this. And at the end of the day, we're just one person, individually. We can't achieve everything on our own.

So instead of looking at this as a whole big pillar we have to bring down, we really need to focus and assess where we're at, what kind of energy we have, where our strengths lie, and what kind of action we can take today. Action that feels right and feels safe for us.

So maybe it's as simple as just kind of recognizing our own unconscious bias and working to not assume gender identity or sexual orientation in people we see.

Maybe it's to start having some of these tougher conversations with family and friends, especially as we go into an election season, so they can recognize what kind of anti-LGBTQ+ legislation has been imposed against our community.

Or maybe there's a larger step we can take, and we have the energy to put ourselves out there and do some advocacy work or get involved with an organization that's really working to make actionable change.

Whichever avenue it is, make sure you're focusing on that. Don't let distractions keep you from putting your attention toward that goal.

And again, while we are just one person and only have so much energy to give, we are one LGBTQ+ community, so we really need to rely on one another. We need to be there for our community members. 

And we also need our allies to start speaking up and standing up for us as well. Because collectively, we have a much larger voice than just one person.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (22:26)

So, as always, thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

If you have any questions or feedback, feel free to send me an email rob@ajadedgay.com.

Also, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. Five stars only. Greatly appreciate it. It helps push us up in the algorithm so that way we can reach more LGBTQuties out there and spread the good word. So, thank you for that in advance.

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And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (23:52)

That's enough. Something is falling. Oh, Jesus, something fell. All right, we're fine.