01. Hello, Trauma. It's Me, Rob.

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Oh shit, we're really doing this. We're just gonna jump right into the trauma.

Episode Introduction (0:24)

Hi, I'm Rob Loveless, and I'm a jaded gay. At least I was, or maybe still am. I don't know. It really depends on the day you catch me. I'm getting ahead of myself, though.

Let me tell you a little bit more about me. I am a cisgender gay man. Twenty-eight, blue eyes, 5'8" (5'9" If I'm wearing my Timbs).

That's too much information, though. And let's get real.

So, I came out over seven years ago, bounced around from date to date, and I encountered it all. The good, bad, and ugly. Overall, I always felt lonely. Whether it was dating someone who was emotionally distant or single and trying to date, I just always felt this sense of being alone. And looking back, I definitely had some codependent behaviors.

I finally came across this article called The Epidemic of

 Gay Loneliness by Michael Hobbes. This article was an eye-opener for me and really was my first deep dive into anything surrounding gay psychology. It also mentioned this book by Dr. Alan Downs called The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World.

After reading the article, I bought this book almost immediately, and pretty much everything to a tee in that book matched what I had experienced through growing up gay and my journey in gay dating. So, since then, over the past five years, I've tried to be more cognizant of my dating behaviors and those of the men I date.

Because after years of bad dating patterns, I definitely became jaded and cynical. I've also been doing some work on balancing spirituality, meditation, and even trying to balance my religion with my sexuality, which is not always an easy thing.

Also, a big fan of counseling and Lexapro. Can't recommend it enough. Changed my life, love it.

About A Jaded Gay (1:52)

So, I decided to start this podcast in an effort to essentially build a platform for like-minded gay men, raising awareness around the unique challenges we face compared to our straight counterparts regarding dating and also protecting our emotional well-being in spite of these unique challenges.

Full disclosure, this podcast isn't always going to be about work surrounding emotional well-being. It's basically going to be just a platform for talking through all things gay, whether it's pop culture, politics, or current events. I think these areas affect us as gay men in different ways. And I think talking through those is just as important in our journey of, you know, achieving emotional well-being.

But that being said, I do want today's topic to be a deep dive into the concept of gay loneliness, like I read in that article back in 2017. But full disclosure, I'm not a psychologist or a life coach or anything like that. I went to school for communications, I write fancy emails, and I'm an aspiring author.

So, everything I say is based off of my own opinions and thoughts and through the research and experiences I've encountered in my life as a gay man.

But before we delve into the topic of gay loneliness, I wanted to start off the episode with a tarot card reading.

An Intro to Tarot (2:56) 

For me, tarot has been something that's been really instrumental in kind of seeking affirmations I need and guiding me through my day-to-day whether it's related to relationships, work, whatever. So, I'd like to pull a card for today's episode and really hold that meaning deep to us and kind of frame the conversation around that with that theme in mind from the tarot.

And just a little bit of background for anyone who's not familiar with tarot. Tarot basically is comprised of two components in a deck, there is the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana.

The Minor Arcana is similar to a playing card deck, you would see in the sense that there are four different suits. And each suit represents a different element. So, we have Swords, Wands, Cups, and Pentacles.

And then the Major Arcana outlines the Fool's Journey. So, it's a concept of thinking of this, you know, young child new to the world, just a thought or concept. So, you start with The Fool and make your way through the journey of the Major Arcana. And you gain the lessons from each card as you go through the cycles.

And it ends with The World, which is the final cycle. Basically, represents the conclusion of a final cycle. And if you think about it in terms of life's journey, at death, that's the entrance of the final unknown where you've experienced it all. You've learned it all and you've completed that cycle of life.

Minor Arcana tends to be more of the day-to-day little things to work on. Whereas Major Arcana cards tend to represent something big going on in your life, whether it's a career move or relationship, something like that.

So, let me pull today's card.

Tarot (4:21)

Okay, and today's card is the Knight of Wands. And Wands is a suit that represents fire energy, and you can think of it as being passion, creativity, things that really drive us and give us contentment in life.

One thing that's interesting to note is different suits and different cards tend to correlate with either masculine or feminine energy. Obviously, that concept is quite dated, and it's not tied to the binary. So don't think of masculine energy as being a man, feminine energy as being a woman in the sense of, in the traditional sense of that.

It's more so the energy surrounding it. So masculine energy tends to be more action oriented, whereas feminine energy tends to be more meditative. And in some cards, you'll get a balance of the two of them.

So, the suit of Wands is tied to fire energy. Again, there's creativity, passion, contentment, things that give you pleasure in life. And that is tied to the more masculine energy which is action oriented. And the Knight of Wands is actually tied to both fire and air which are both masculine energies. So, air signifies the Knight's connection to communication, while his place in the suit of Wands connects them to fire which represents passion and action.

And typically, in the tarot, knights are depicted as messengers coming back from a journey, an elemental quest, where they're bringing you a specific message tied to that element. So, when we draw this card upright, like we did today, the key meanings are tied to energy, passion, inspired action, adventure, and sometimes impulsiveness.

But basically, the Knight of Wands is indicating that the time has arrived to take action. Once you take the first step, notice how everything else begins to speed up to propel you in the direction you've chosen. You need to have confidence in yourself or in others who have come to support you. And most importantly, we need to pay attention to our intuitive urges and act on them without hesitation. We need to trust ourselves.

So again, that's kind of a high level, look at what it means if you're interested in tarot. There's a lot of great resources out there to dive deeper. I really recommend Root Lock Radio. That's how I initially learned about it and got into it.

But again, as we talk through the the topic of gay loneliness, let's really kind of put a focus on that sense of passion and creativity, and feeling, you know, our intuition to take action and work towards the things we want and trusting in ourselves.

The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness (6:25)

So, in The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness, Michael Hobbes talks about a few of his friends who are struggling with drugs, partying, body dysmorphia, anxiety, and depression.

But what he notices most of all, is that, and this is a quote, there's a divergence between his straight friends and his gay friends, meaning that his straight friends typically don't seem to be struggling with these types of things.

In the article, he cites a statistic that gay people are between two and ten times more likely to die by suicide compared to their straight peers. And they're twice as likely to have a depressive episode.

And so, the conclusion based off of those statistics are that it's still dangerously alienating to go through life as a man attracted to other men. And it makes sense.

I mean, I thought once I came out, that was it. Hello, world, I'm gay. Now let me find the love of my life, get married, and have kids just like my straight friends, right? Wrong. Absolutely not.

And I'm sure a lot of us thought that, too. You know, we grew up watching Disney movies where we're seeing, you know, the prince and princess find each other at the end happily ever after, blah, blah, blah, it makes me fucking sick.

But that's what we thought when we came out. We had the big struggle of coming to terms with who we are as gay men. And once we were open with that, it should be smooth sailing.

And actually, a lot of researchers thought that, too.

Coming Out Doesn’t Cure Anxiety and Depression (7:36)

They thought that once somebody came out, that was a self-actualization moment for gay men. And once they came out, they could begin building their lives just like their straight counterparts.

However, a 2015 study found that the rates of anxiety and depression were actually higher in men who had recently come out compared to those who are still closeted, which that really kind of shocked me, you think it'd be the opposite.

When you're in the closet, there's this constant sense of worry. Do people think I'm gay, and like giving off gay vibes? Am I acting quote-unquote man enough? You'd think all that anxiety would be with you as you're lying about who you are.

But in reality, even if you're open with who you are, we're still anxious. And depressed.

Growing Up Gay Results in Trauma (8:13)

Now, this I found really interesting. In the article, William Elder, who is a sexual trauma researcher and psychologist, claims that gay men tend to harbor trauma from growing up. In fact, he had a quote in there that really stood out to me.

"The trauma for gay men is the prolonged nature of it. If you experience one traumatic event, you have the kind of PTSD that can be resolved in four to six months of therapy. But if you experience years and years of small stressors, little things where you think, 'Was that because of my sexuality?' that can be even worse."

And I mean, let's think back to middle school, how many of us were constantly bullied for being too effeminate, or not being good at sports, or being shy in gym class, or not dating girls or this or that?

These are those little things that add up over time through puberty, through adolescence, even into early adulthood, that now, even when we're out, we're harboring this trauma over a prolonged time.

Shamed for Being Gay (9:02)

And, you know, I think it's really interesting to pick up on this point, and quite ironic because, obviously, back in the day, homosexuality was considered to be a mental disorder. And unfortunately, some conservative politicians and big mouths still make that claim today.

I mean, Ben Shapiro claimed that homosexuality should still be considered a mental disorder since gay men have higher rates of suicide and depression. And the thing is, though, those two things are not mutually exclusive.

You're not depressed because you're gay. Think about it. While, yes, many gay men have higher rates of suicide and depression, it's not a symptom of being gay. It's because we're gay, and we're shamed our entire lives to believe we were wrong for being the way we were born.

We were taught that our biological norms, personality, and attitudes were not okay, and we had to cover them up to be another person. So, with that kind of logic, is it any wonder why gay men tend to have higher rates of anxiety and depression?

I mean, think about it. It is exhausting to be gay. Every other day, something about our lives are up for discussion, whether it's marriage equality, or adopting children, or even donating blood.

These are things that are givens for the straight world but needs to be voted upon for the gay community. So, for me personally, when these things come up, it makes me feel like I have no control over my own life.

Rejection Within Our Community (10:15)

So okay, with that in mind, let's go back to the issue of gay loneliness. Not really surprising that we, as gay men, feel lonely and like we're isolated from the straight world because, for so long, we've been made to feel different and like we're lesser than our straight peers.

But then on the flip side, even when we come out and try to integrate with our gay community, we're also being rejected there. That's supposed to be our safe haven, but we're facing major rejection in that community. So, it's like we've got nowhere to go. We feel lonely because we don't fit into the straight world.

But we're also lonely because we're being rejected by our own gay world. So, people might be wondering, okay, but why are we facing so much rejection in our community? And I really think it goes back to the way we use dating apps. So, I'm not going to deep dive into this, this will be another episode for another day.

But honestly, gay bars aren't what they used to be because of the dating apps. That was before COVID, too. Now with the pandemic, we have small businesses shutting down, including gay bars. So, a lot of people have been turning to these dating apps to meet people. And that's our sense of connection and community, a virtual connection.

You know, and when we use dating apps, even if there's a face picture up of somebody, you're essentially talking to a virtual stranger. And because of that, I think people tend to lose that sense of connection that, hey, this is the person I'm talking to. They can't see past the picture, so they think they're just talking to another shirtless picture in the grid of men in their area.

And while we're not being rejected for being gay, we are being rejected for a myriad of other factors, whether it's our appearance, or if we're acting too fem, or if our body size isn't ideal, or if we're too hairy or not hairy enough, or based off of race.

It's like, for years, we gay men have been bullied by society. And now we're bullying our own community. It's a never-ending cycle of hurt there. And why do we do it?

How Can We Form Healthy, Fulfilling Relationships (11:53)

Maybe it's because we were raised to fear vulnerability since we were hiding aspects of ourselves as closeted gay boys. And now, as adults, we have a kind of emotional detachment from dating. So, like I said, reading this article really was an eye-opener for me, and it really hit close to home.

You know, I had always wondered why it seemed like dating was such a chore for me. And back in the day, when I was dating, I was super self-conscious about myself. Every aspect of myself from the clothes I wore to how did my body look to, you know, did they think I was attractive enough, was I acting cool enough or was I acting too clingy; was I being funny or weird?

So, I would get in my own head and have such anxiety that I couldn't carry a conversation with somebody. Or, on the flip side, I would end up dating people who, you know, either abused substances or emotionally unavailable, or a combination of the two.

And before I found this article, I always just wondered why, you know, what's wrong with me? So, this article was an eye-opener. And again, it led me in the direction of The Velvet Rage, which really made me consider, okay, yeah, my whole life has been different compared to my straight friends and family. No wonder why I can't date for shit.

I mean, my sisters and I were raised by the same parents, and we all had a great childhood. But our outlooks as adults on certain situations are completely different because they were raised seeing themselves in the media, seeing loving straight couples, whether it was through my parents' example of marriage or what they saw on TV.

Whereas I was a closeted gay kid trying to grow up to be straight. And for reference, when I was in middle school and during adolescence, the only gay representation I was aware of, I saw on Will and Grace. And obviously, for the time, that was groundbreaking, but looking back, that doesn't really offer a lot of true representation for the gay community.

And I didn't know any gay people personally, other than the few gay kids in high school who didn't have the option of staying closeted and were bullied because of that. So, I really never had an example of what a gay relationship, a healthy gay relationship could look like.

So, all that said, yes, this is super depressing. And where do we go from here? How do we move on from this pain so we can actually form fulfilling relationships?

The Velvet Rage (13:53)

And that's where The Velvet Rage came in for me. So, this book, as soon as you're done listening to this, go out and buy it, because I think, I think this is essential reading for every gay man out there. Because I think it's important, it creates a sense of self-actualization and realizing what behaviors you may be channeling, as well as kind of helping you have an eye out for other guys out there who may not be the right person and may not be overcoming their own problems.

And I'm just gonna give a brief skim over this, but again, read the book.

Basically, Dr. Alan Downs believes that there are three stages of gay shame, and this is the reason why gay men are not able to overcome certain emotional trauma and form fulfilling relationships.

So, the first stage is overwhelmed by shame.

And this includes that period of time when many of us remain in the closet, we're fearful of recognizing our own sexuality. And so, we just kind of shut it all down.

So, moving on to the second stage is compensating for shame.

And this is where we attempt to neutralize any shame we might feel surrounding our sexuality by being picture-perfect. I'm sure we all know those people who have the perfect abs or the perfect tan or super successful career, the smartest or always right on something or they own designer labels, and they're not afraid to name-drop and say how much money they spent on this or that.

And basically, they're trying to fabricate this beautiful life on the outside because they feel like shit on the inside. Now, that being said, obviously, you can be successful and be in good shape and, you know, spend money without being in that stage of shame.

But there is a stark contrast between being successful like that and clinging to this false sense of success, where you're more worried about what people see on you, so you're spending more money than you should, buying those clothes to impress people. Or feel like shit, but are going to the gym because you have to make yourself look good because you have to put on this picture-perfect image for everybody else.

Now, an interesting point about this is that Dr. Alan Downs says during this stage, a gay man may take on many sexual partners in his attempt to make himself feel attractive, sexy, and loved, and essentially less shameful for a moment in time.

Now, again, obviously, some people are just looking for more casual connections. But this is really focusing in on those men who want the meaningful relationship, but are never able to sustain that kind of dating pattern and instead fall into this pattern of the short-lived casual hookup type of thing.

And the interesting thing is, while many men make it out of the first stage of shame because they come out of the closet and embrace their sexuality a bit more, not every man will make it out of that second stage. Some are going to be stuck there forever.

Obviously, we want to know what the final stage is and how we can get to that.

So, let me start by kicking off the third and final stage of overcoming shame is discovering authenticity. And this is when a gay man begins to build a life that's based upon their own passions and values rather than proving to themselves that they are desirable and lovable. So, I think right there, obviously, we're using the word passion, which is a direct tie into our tarot card today, the Knight of Wands.

So, ultimately, the goal of The Velvet Rage is to help gay men achieve this third stage of authenticity. And by finding their passions and values to prove that they are enough for themselves.

Lacking Authentic Validation Growing Up Gay (16:58)

So, as gay men, we tend to feel some of that anger and stress, anxiety, depression, all that internal turmoil basically boils down to the concept of rage, which Dr. Alan Downs says is a result from not receiving the authentic validation we needed as children through putting on this facade of growing up in a straight society.

So, the route from our trauma really comes from two distinct sources.

And that's being a man in a hyper-masculine culture.

Obviously, you know, both within the gay and straight communities, there's a big focus on what masculinity is, you know, within the gay world masc for masc, all that bullshit.

And then the second is being a gay man in a decidedly straight world.

The way we can begin to work through some of this rage and trauma is to really establish a sense of authenticity through passion, love, and integrity. The one area that really stood out to me was the concept of integrity. So, I'm going to read a quick excerpt here:

"Integrity, meaning integrate all parts of oneself, or more formally, the state of being undivided. For the gay man, it means the absence of hiding parts of yourself, no longer splitting and allowing all parts of yourself to be known. Since this is the principal journey of the gay man as he moves from shame to authenticity, the attainment of integrity represents a crowning achievement."

For me, like I said, that really stands out because I think, you know, as a closeted gay child, we were all taught to hide parts of ourselves, the parts that didn't adhere to our hetero society.

Achieving Authenticity (18:28)

Now, obviously, that all sounds nice, but how do we put that into practice? How do we take theory into action? Because again, in our tarot today, we have the double action. Dr. Alan Downs offers a few areas of support for achieving this sense of authenticity.

Again, read the book because it goes much deeper. I'm just going to take a few key points that really stood out that I think are pretty easy things we could all work on to incorporate on a day-to-day basis.

So, make decisions based upon the man you wish to become.

And I think this goes back a lot of us who have either heard this or seen it on social media, but there's that saying that says be the gay man you needed to see as a closeted child. Meaning be the positive role model you needed when you didn't have that view of what a healthy gay man could look like.

Make choices that contribute to your inner peace.

So essentially, don't just run to the nearest substance to help you get through a tough time, because that's kind of masking the problem.

Make choices that actually contribute to resolve the problem.

Search for contentment versus approval.

Take a non-judgmental stance whenever possible, which I know seems to be hard for us gays to do, but hey, let's all work on being a little kinder this year.

Respect your body and you can interpret that to mean different things to you, whether it means avoiding substances that impair your better judgment, whether it means avoiding hookups, and really only being intimate with people that you're striving to build a lasting relationship with. Just be kind to your body and respect to those choices that feel natural to you.

And again, this isn't shaming anybody who wants a more casual encounter versus a relationship. This is just going to say whatever you are working towards achieving respect your body in that manner.

Don't obsess over pain as it cultivates more pain.

So, some of us might hold on to those bad feelings of, you know, bad relationships, situations, rock bottom points we might have hit in time. It's important to recognize that pain, but kind of map out a way to overcome it and take steps to move on from it.

Relinquish the urge to always be right.

Don't let your sexual tastes filter which people you allow into your life.

I've been seeing this meme on Instagram lately. And it's true, it says, hey, can you start being nice to people you're not sexually attracted to? Because honestly, it's like, you know, on an app, if somebody's not interested in somebody, they might just shrug them off or flat-out reject them.

And I think, you know, even if you don't end up dating somebody, we're missing opportunities as gay men to make substantial connections with others, whether it's through friendship, dating, relationships, whatever.

So just because you're not into somebody that way doesn't mean you should just write them off as a person as a whole. I mean, obviously, communicate where you're at, be open with your feelings and thoughts. But maybe you could form an actual friendship from that.

And lastly, keep your inner circle safe and sacred.

Be mindful of who you're letting in and be mindful of who you're telling things to. You know, I know, within the gay community, there's pockets of cliqueyness here and there.

Obviously, if you're somebody who's looking for genuine connection, you're not going to want to tell your deep, darkest secrets to those people. Because obviously, you think they're going to keep that to themselves?

You need to know you can trust the people you're letting into your life and trust them with the information you're comfortable sharing with them.

And lastly, above all else, we need to accept that joy in life comes not from success, but from how we live life.

Episode Closing (21:36)

So, as we're coming to the end of this episode, let's go back to the Knight of Wands and reflect on how that kind of ties into our topic for today. And again, I think this one, there's a pretty linear connection there.

We're talking a lot about passion, creativity, pleasure for us. And it goes back to like Dr. Alan Downs said in his book, we need to find things that we are passionate about, that give us a sense of peace and joy. Not at the expense of getting validation from others.

Again, in the tarot, we have that double masculine energy, so it's full action. So, I think this really is a reminder for us to find those areas in our life that we enjoy for ourselves. Take dating out of it, take the straight world out of it, take all of it out of there, and figure out what makes you happy at the end of the day.

Because, in that tarot, it says we need to trust our intuition and to take action. Be mindful, be smart, but take action when it comes to what brings us happiness and joy, not at the expense of others' validations. But at what makes us content, what we decide makes us happy.

So, as we wrap up, let's do a quick exercise to put into practice what we learned today about overcoming gay trauma, achieving authenticity, and reconnecting with our passions.

Get a piece of paper and pen or open up the notes on your phone and write down three things that are your passions in life. And this could be anything. It could be hobbies, experiences, things you do with your friends, anything like that, but just things in life that bring you contentment and joy.

Next, write down an achievable action you could take for each one of those three passions. For example, a passion of mine is writing. So, an achievable action for me would be to make time to write maybe one hour every weekend or try to write 15 minutes a day.

Finally, as you look at your three passions and the respective actions for each, write down a goal for each of those passions of where you would like to take it. Again, for me, I love writing and I want to be an author and have my novels published.

So, for me, I'm going to work towards writing more novels. And basically, I'll achieve that by just doing that actionable measure whether it's 15 minutes a day of writing or writing an hour on weekends.

But taking things bit by bit, step by step to work towards those goals that will bring us joy. And again, not for the sense of validation of others or for the means of purely being successful at those, but just because we enjoy doing those and we're making time in our lives to enjoy those passions.

Shoutouts (23:53)

Thank you for listening. I hope you found this topic inspiring and you're feeling positive and have some actionable steps to, you know, work towards your own happiness and find those areas of passion in your life.

Before we wrap up today, I just want to close out with a few butt plugs.

First off, special thanks to my friend Tyler Sova for A Jaded Gay's theme music. You can find him on Instagram, @tylerrsova.

Also, big shout out to my good friend Tillie Lee for the cover art photography. You can check her Insta out, @tilleephotos. T-I-L-L-E-E-photos or her site, tillielee.com. That's T-I-L-L-I-E_L-E-E.com.

And lastly, a huge thank you to Dustin James for the cover art design. You can find him on Instagram @dgraphicsdjw. And I'll include all this information in the show notes if you're interested in checking them out.

Again, thank you so much for listening. Definitely check out The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness by Michael Hobbes and also The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World by Dr. Alan Downs.

I'll include both of them in the show notes so you can check them out at your leisure.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (24:58)

Also, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe. You can follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. And you can also follow me Rob Loveless on Instagram @rob_loveless and on Twitter @robjloveless.

Definitely, definitely, definitely work toward discovering your authenticity through making time for your passions in life. After all, every day is all we have.

So, you've got to make your own happiness. Thanks, everyone, and I'll see you next week.

Mmm-bye.